Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Now THIS Is A Fantasy Draft Board

The KSK Keeper League Draft is this evening. I’ve never been in a keeper league before, so my board is completely fucked. I’d like to draft for the future, but who the fuck wants to wait a whole year for a team to be good? I want to win now, bitch! Now I know how Dan Snyder feels. This building for the future idea is horseshit. I have the 6th pick. But, since Leitch drafts at #2, it’s really like having the 5th pick. C’mon, Steven Jackson!

Anyhoo, while composing my board, I got the idea that we needed a genuine fantasy board, one that had actual fantasies on it. So the KSK Voltron assembled, and these were the fantasies that spurted out. Consider these the innermost fantasies of our collective subconscious. I have ranked them in some particular order. You can probably tell which ones are Ufford’s.

-Everything Steve Martin wishes for in the above video
-Scarlett Johansson naked in a plastic kiddie pool full of baby oil
-Year long NFL season, which subsequently bankrupts all other sports
-Sitting in a comfortable chair with a tub of popcorn as I watch commenters drown
-Three shelves of single malt scotch and bourbon, a crystal rocks glass, and an ice box
-A summer home on Lake Washington in Seattle. A winter home on South Beach
-Sea Gals out of hot water, can they use my shower?
-Tonight’s draft lasts less than four hours
-A license to kill
-The ability to piss pure Yuengling
-Magic Carpet, with complementary harem
-A leather jacket that makes its own milk!
-That dinosaurs would roam the earth once more
-Flatter abs, bigger biceps, wider shoulders, two more inches to my height and length
-The ability to tan
-The ability to shit greenbacks
-Fucking flying, bitches
-An end to baseball bloggers emailing us their stupid shit
-Being hired by Josh Homme to front Queens of the Stone Age
-Tenure at Arizona State
-My own personal M1A1 tank (with full-time crew)
-A Suburban like Laurence Maroney’s
-Large piranha tank
-Optional vampirism
-Pet dingo
-World class opera singing ability
-A gong to voice my displeasure
-The Royal Shakespeare Company available at my beck and call to act my favorite movie and TV scenes
-Have my seminal fluid taste like grape jelly
-The collective burning of every New Found Glory CD
-A request from the President to design an aggressive euthanasia program. Say goodbye, hobos and retards and fat chicks!
-Operation Ivy League Human Shield in Iraq
-That Man Vs. Wild Was REAL, dammit!
-Bill O'Reilly blinded by a sudden burst of understanding like in The Allegory of the Cave
-A microwave burrito so hot even God couldn't eat it
-Bakula-like ability to Quantum Leap into certain people at certain points in time, including the guy who was in Jenna Jameson’s first sex scene
-Tequila bender with Mel Gibson
-Posts that write themselves
-KSK bought by Rupert Murdoch for $5 billion
-Free reign to paddle Kim Kardashian on the ass with a tennis racket
-Replacements tour
-A magical remote control to turn up the funny on certain Deadspin commenters
-Some really, really good nachos that never congeal, get soggy, or get cold
-Cameo in a Sam Peckinpaugh film
-Pillow fight with Keeley Hazell

Actually, flying belongs at the top. But that would involve some semblance of effort. And if I have one true fantasy, it’s to never have to make any sort of effort whatsoever


devang said...

Uh, BDD I get the following when clicking on the certain Deadspin commenters link.

"The url contained a malformed video id."

Can you please repost?

Total BS said...

devang - That's what happens when you simultaneously link to all but 10 of deadspin commenters.

Zac said...

Maybe one wish of yours is coming true...

He responds to the allegations....I think. It restores my faith in produced television.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Captain Caveman said...

Devang: fixed the link.

Captain Caveman said...

p.s. that one wasn't my idea.

Bryan said...

If you want to quantum leap into the first Jenna scene, you get double-points because you would have Randy West's hair!

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bear doesn't really answer the allegation on that blog now, does he?

But I still like his show 100x more than Survivorman. He's just a better host.

flubby said...

no, it was my idea

Biggus Rickus said...

No invisibility a la Richard Mulligan on Soap, only real? That should be two, right behind flying.

Captain Caveman said...

Since Drew edited out all my Seattle sports fantasies (except the Sea Gals one):

- Griffey returns to DH for the Mariners as M's win World Series.

-Seahawks win Super Bowl XLII 84-3 over Steelers (Tomlin sends kicker onto field for FG as time expires).

-Clay Bennett brutally murdered in Starbucks parking lot.

Matt said...

"-The ability to piss pure Yuengling"

But would you drink your own piss? I think it's a damn good excuse to.

Total BS said...

And no fantasying for more fantasies.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"But would you drink your own piss? I think it's a damn good excuse to."

Bear says it's okay.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

I want to ride a fucking dinosaur to a fucking Replacements show.

Hustler of Culture said...

Free reign to paddle Kim Kardashian on the ass with a tennis racket

Actually, I think you can already do that for free, but the lines are horrible.

Tracer Bullet said...

Nobody;s fantasy calls for their team to win the Super Bowl? You clowns are idiots. That said, I want Sara Ramierez bathed, oiled and brought to my tent.

Tracer Bullet said...

Shit. Next time I'll read the comments.

Chris said...

I wish that the Simpsons would return to form and bring back all the great writing from around yr seven. Also I would like some of the instinct weed from last weeks Entourage.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

The ability to insert myself into the narrative of any film, playing the part of the character of my choice, and then carry the consequences of that scene back into my real life.

I'd also really, really like to stage a coup over Marc Cuban and all of his holdings.

Finally, I'd like to publicly execute every poser dipshit who thinks that his Ramones shirt makes him some kind of a fucking tough guy.

BeaverFever said...

all the coffee milk I could drink for the rest of my life. coffee milk = liquid crack.

Steven said...

This should destroy Drew's man crush on Bear, it killed mine...

Shane Rollins said...

The Jenna idea got me thinking.

The ability to Bakula into every man who ever took any hot chick's virginity, depending on choice. I still think I wouldn't bang Hilton, but imagine being the one to take Alyssa Milanos, you'd take her's and throw a wicked fastball.

dick_gozinia said...


Operation Ivy formed their own league?

God bless the Seahawks, Caveman, and the Sea Gals (especially the sea gals)

Hustler of Culture said...

shane rollins -

I like your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Unsilent Majority said...

Chris- It's just Northern Lights

smeos said...

I would like my liver to be able to produce Jim Beam and put it directly into my bloodstream on command.

Oh, and I would like Matt Hasselbeck to die a horrible death and be replaced by a decent quarterback that doesn't try to throw the ball THROUGH THE DEFENDERS YOU STUPID FUCKER I HATE YOU WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MILLION SUNS!

Oh, and more wars. This one is boring, and I need more of that ejaculatory smart bomb footage on CNN. Shock and Awe indeed . . .

dick_gozinia said...

I want my own construda.

I also want a real life Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card that has unlimited availability.

"Sir, you can't just drive around smashing this stolen ferrari into people driving slow in the left lane!"

"Oh no? WHAM! Get out of Jail Free, bitch!"

Pemulis said...

The Star Wars Prequels turned out awesome instead of disproving god's existence.

Slash said...

Some really, really good nachos that never congeal, get soggy, or get cold.

This is my dream too...

Franklin said...

A get out of Hell Free Card

Andrew said...


fallex said...

Ribs are revealed to be a life-extending elixir.

Franklin said...

The Evil disgusting vile human Mike Greenberg on a meat hook

Chris said...

UM - I see, color me disappointed.

Creighton said...

Speaking of fantasy, a quick aside: on the Yahoo! Big Board for football, the comment for Bernard Berrian is "Has nice deep-ball chemistry with Grossman".

Counting the days till the Cannon's back in deep-ball action...

Wasted Talent said...

I second the Replacements show... with Jawbreaker as co-headliners.

Otto Man said...

Some really, really good nachos that never congeal, get soggy, or get cold

I read this as narrated by Wilford Brimley's character in "Cocoon."

"And we won't get old, and we'll never die, and the nachos will never, ever get soggy."

Awful Announcing- said...

Sorry, but my Gong is used for pleasure only. Especially when Mottram picks back-to-back-to-back QBs.

Greg Schuler said...

You'd be better off going with the M1A2 SEP or if you prefer all things German, the Leopard 2A6M is a nice ride.

Wormfather said...

-A request from the President to design an aggressive euthanasia program. Say goodbye, hobos and retards and fat chicks!

Ummmmmm, master race anyone? Not that I'm opposed to one, but you forgot about the freaks.

naptown drew said...

Thank God somebody else is out there who thinks the Ladies(...) are totally gay. It's as if the Deadspin commenters have this collective boner for them even though the only thing they have going for them are vaginas.

Rip Slagcheek said...

Replacements show, thirded.

With very special guest The Minutemen. Because D Boon is suddenly not dead.