Wednesday, August 22, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Houston Texans
"DAVID CARR IS A CAROLINA PANTHER!!!"

An arbitrary number of fast facts about the Houston Texans:

  • Amobi Okoye’s cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians that I have ever seen in a life form.


  • Mario Williams: still a dumb pick.

  • For reasons that he can’t discuss, Matt Schaub will soon being changing his name to Matt Thompson and entering the witness relocation program.


  • Keenan McCardell returned home to Houston for his 16th NFL season to back up Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones (who is not, as his name implies, a haberdasher). McCardell has over 10,000 career receiving yards and 62 touchdowns. Accordingly, we expect members of the Art Monk Yakuza to support McCardell’s Hall of Fame candidacy once he retires.


  • Will Amobi Okoye continue to tea-bag running backs as
    he moves up to the next level? Hells yes, son.


  • The Texans devoted much of their offseason to strengthening their shitty, shitty pass defense. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, they hope to improve to merely 'shitty' this season.


  • The backfield committee of Ahman Green, Samkon Gado and Wali Lundy will insure continued brisk sales of Earl Campbell throwback jerseys.


  • Gary Kubiak has come a long way since his days of terrorizing Parker Lewis and the rest of Santo Domingo High. [Update: I may have him confused Larry "Kube" Kubiac, sorry.]



Seriously, what’s more fun: carrying a clip board for John Elway,
or whalin’ on some nerds?


The Texans have been the punchline to the league’s non-Browns related jokes about futility for years now. But with Schaub in control of the offense, we think this is the season they begin their transformation from laughingstock to respecting stock. Even if they don’t, Texan fans can at least celebrate finally being rid of David Carr…



Are you ever too old to shotgun a beer? This guy doesn’t think so.


24 comments:

grungedave said...

2007 motto: "well, at least we don't have to worry about the Madden Curse!"

(and thank you for not bothering to put up a projected/actual record)

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Hmm.. what would happen if we combined Ferris Bueller's Day off with Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds? Thank goodness Fox executives have come so far. Seriously though, "the Kube" would probably be an o-line upgrade for the Texans.

denvergodfather said...

Any reference to Parker Lewis Can't Lose makes my day. Thank you so very much. Really.

BeaverFever said...

I'd be willing to bet that at least one kid in the parker lewis picture is wearing a Swatch watch.

BigRicks said...

The Texans are truly off the "shitty, shitty, shitty" but are now a more respectable "stinky, farty, smelly."

/Lewis Black

Chris said...

Beverfever - My slap bracelet defeats your swatch watch

Weed Against Speed said...

Who knew Conan O'Brien was on Parker Lewis Can't Lose? I sure as hell didn't.

BeaverFever said...

@ chris, not if my swatch has a "face-guard". For the record I never owned or wore a swatch while going to high school in the 80's.

tokentitanhack said...

How dare you insult my Titans like that. Earl Campbell throwback jerseys would be OILERS jerseys, not Texans jerseys. Jeez...little doest thee know.

The Battleship said...

"The Texans have been the punchline to the league’s non-Browns related jokes about futility for years now."

That's the nicest thing anyone's not written about the Lions in a long time.

flubby said...

I know who Earl Campbell played for. Now go back to cheering for Nashville's second favorite football team.

Chris said...

Whose the first flubby? Vanderbilt...damn it feels good to be gold.

Jarrett Carter said...

Not pictured - The Texans' Memorial DJ Screw lounge on the upper mezzanine, choopin' and screwin' all your favorite soft pop hits from the 80's and 90's.

QWIJIBO said...

I think Joe Kane would make a better quarterback for the Texans, cause everyone knows Kane is Able.

JAMMQ said...

And Parker Lewis says, "Mental note: shotgunning a beer looks kinda cool. Being a Texans fan doesn't."

Wormfather said...

"David Carr is a Carolina Panther"

Yes, but...

a. You still live in Houston

b. You're still a Texans Fan

Sounds like Mr. Carr got the better end of the deal. And speaking from the heart, after being sacked 2.434x10^45 times, even the Sex Cannon's shit would start to stink (he's still fuck it though)

The Pirate Sloth said...

David Carr is alive?!?!?!

playmaker-27 said...

Kudos on the Parker Lewis Can't Lose reference......How do some shows disappear to never be syndicated, yet we are still forced to maybe, if we don't change the channel fall asleep or kill ourselves see reruns of Full House (the later yeats).....creepy......

David Carr surviving the Texans is a testament to the fortitude of the human body---it shows that despite the punishing abuse, the mental agony, and the socialogical terror that can come from being pummelled in the (somewhat dim) limelight of a (somewhat crappy) major city that we as humans are resiliant enough to make it through and proceed to seek the same punishment elsewhere. It's like marriage, taxes, or divorce and jail. We gotta try hard to avoid them all and mostly end up doing them all evenutally.

mB

Bouj said...

Talk up Carr all you want. Make it out to all be the Texans' fault. Just wait until SandyVag starts sidearming bad passes, not finding wide-open receivers, and rolling into a ball at the slightest sign of pressure. Then you'll see him for what he is: Tim Couch with better hair.

Liston said...

You know when you're at a party and there's that one guy that nobody invited mulling around. It's kind of funny for a while to watch him squirm around and make awkard eye contact with everyone and repeated trips to the chip and dip tray but the more you watch him the more you want to punch him square in his nose. That's what it was like watching David Carr quarterback the Texans.

Love,

Liston

Jay Byers said...

The Texans really are missing a great marketing opportunity with Amobi-Wan. Think about it - the offensive line is shit already, how much harm can adding an eight-foot Wookiee do?

J.L. White said...

Ahhhh.....Green, Gado and Lundy. It's the Dream Team of running backs that the Green Bay Packers no longer want to keep around anymore.

Dan said...

... because Morency (who couldn't even start in Houston) is a way smarter option than Green.

Fun stat for the Texans fans:

Carr is being sacked once per 6 attempts in Carolina, a higher rate than his last year in Houston.

Schaub and Sage have combined for one sack so far this preseason.

Ryan said...

I heard through the grapevine that David Carr has no gag reflex.

I can't wait till the Jake Delhomme cock fighting ring gets uncovered. We will then be assured that Carr sucks.