Wednesday, August 1, 2007

KSK 2007
NFL Season Prekkake:
Minnesota Vikings


Relatively Rapid Retrospective Realities Regarding The Vikes:

-When the Detroit Lions visited the Vikes on October 11, 1964, it was the first (and only) instance where both teams took the field wearing white jerseys. The game started as scheduled and continued until the Vikes changed into their purple jerseys on the sideline in time for the second quarter. The Vikes not only lost the game, but then had to run a warm load of laundry AND a cold load that night.

-Also in 1964, Ohio State alumnus and NFL Hall of Famer Jim Marshall ran a fumble recovery 66 yards into his own end zone for a safety. This lapse in football awesomeness has largely overshadowed the fact that Marshall started at defensive end in 282 consecutive games. That consecutive games started mark still stands as the NFL record (Brett Lorenzo Favre only has 237. What a pussy).

-Distinguished Badass-in-Multiple-Walks-Of-Life Alan Page is one of seven Vikes--along with Marshall, four other players, a coach and a GM--to be enshrined in Canton. Page went on to earn his law degree from the University of Minnesota in 1978, the same year he was cut by the Vikes, in part because their front office believed that Page's hobby of distance running caused him to lose too much weight to be effective on the field. He was almost immediately signed by the rival Chicago Bears and played four more years in the League with that team. Page now sits as an Associate Justice of the Minnesota Supreme Court, and may be the only player in NFL history to sit through more court appearances than Chris Henry.

-Finland native/offensive lineman/taxi squad member Seppo Evwaraye was signed by the Panthers last year , but was unable to play because the processing fee for his work visa was $5 too light. He played in NFL-E this past spring, and is noted for his 40 time (< 5.0s) and his two brothers, both of whom play for the Finnish national team. He has two goldfish, Megatron and Steve.

-The Vikings made a complete uniform overhaul in 2006, including this massive transformation of their helmets (image courtesy: Wikipedia)

Holy shit, dude. They ruined it. It was so much more awesome the old way.

Projected 2007 Record: 7-9, 2nd place, NFC North (because it sucks)

Actual 2007 Record: 3-13, T-3rd place, NFC North, (because they suck)

Star-Trib Writer Michael Rand, who also does the blog RandBall, really, really likes his team's chances this fall:

Oh, it's going to be ugly. They don't have a No. 1 receiver. The might not have a No. 2 receiver. They don't have a QB who is even remotely proven. They don't have a pass-catching tight end. They do have two decent running backs.

The defense is a year older and missing the star coordinator from a year ago. They still do stupid shit off the field (see Cedric Griffin's Pants-off Dance-off), and the head coach has the trust and confidence of about 12 percent of the fan base, at best.

They open with four fairly winnable games, which should put them at 2-2 into the bye. The four coming out of the bye (at Chicago, at Dallas, Philly, San Diego) will rip them apart. From there, it will be an all too familiar shame spiral.


One time I heard this story about how this one guy was farming hookers from Minnesota and he met up with these two girls, and they were like really hot and shit. Then he goes, "Hey, let's go to Dallas." And these dumb bitches were like, "Okay!" Bad move, sisters. So anyway, dude drives 'em down and they they get there, and he's all, "Looks like we're outta gas. Guess you bitches are gonna have to sell that pussy so we can get home." Just like that, man. They were insta-huers. Seriously, dude. It was in Rolling Stone. When the Vikings rented out those boats two years ago and tried to fuck everybody, I bet that's what they were up to. That was two years ago, right?

34 comments:

BigRicks said...

Not for nothing, but the Vikes certainly don't play in the NFC South.

gymclassheroes said...

Did you take that pic at a lemon party?!?!?!?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Oh shit. I should fix that.

Otto Man said...

I'm no expert like Fred Smoot, but it doesn't look like that guy is using the dildo correctly.

BeaverFever said...

MMP,is that a picture of BDD that Clint was hoping to see ?

Unsilent Majority said...

that's gayer than the carson palmer hotdog ad!

Monday Morning Punter said...

And yet in the predictions I have them correctly listed in the North. Total brainfart on my part.

TheNaturalMevs said...

It's cause pretending you know football is tougher than pretending you get laid, have a life, and have a family.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I never said I had a life...

Pemulis said...

that guy looks like the real life version of the cry baby troll on planet unicorn. we better make fun of him so he starts crying and the forest doesnt die.

BeaverFever said...

a whole paragraph on Alan Page, but no mention of Fran Tarkenton being one of the hosts of "That's Incredible" ? that disappoints me.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"MMP,is that a picture of BDD that Clint was hoping to see ?"

Well played.

TheNaturalMevs said...

The king has spoken....kiss his ring.

TheNaturalMevs said...

How did you guys decide on the KSK pecking order? At a virtual cyber bar?

Shoopmonster said...

Shouldn't you be out keepin' it real and reppin' the C-Bus?

grungedave said...

3-13? No way... the Vikings will suck, but they still play in the NFC, where they can win 5 games by pure accident. Which is kinda necessary given the limitations of a Brad Childress offense.

Otto Man said...

The king has spoken....kiss his ring.

Ah, that's the old mancrush Clint we all know and loathe.

My Insignificant Life said...

Somewhere Brady Quinn weeps tears of jealousy as he views that picture.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Please stop saying I have a man crush on "Big Daddy". I don't want his imaginary wife to be mad at me.

fallex said...

You guys are so imaginary.

Otto Man said...

I don't want his imaginary wife to be mad at me.

Yes, of course Drew's wife and child aren't real. Because if they were, that would get in the way of your wildest fantasy of him storming into your mom's basement and carrying you off into the sunset.

Just keep writing Mrs. Big Daddy Drew in cursive on your Trapper Keeper, over and over, and one day it'll happen.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Just keep writing Mrs. Big Daddy Drew in cursive on your Trapper Keeper, over and over, and one day it'll happen.

Do you promise?

I'll just settle for an autograph. Or maybe I can interview Drew so he can be condescending just before he steps his feet into the Blogger Hall of Fame....

SlickBomb said...

Hey, buck up Vikes fans, Brian Brohm is graduating this year, and he'll probaboly only hold-out till week 2.

Chris said...

I am still waiting for otto man to carry me off into the sunset.

Otto Man said...

Sorry, Chris. I'm imaginary.

Free Pacman said...

There's nothing wrong with having an imaginary wife... until you get arthritis in your wrist.

Burnsy said...

An imaginary wife? I call that a hole in my mattress.

Chris said...

I say your real and that is all that matters...

Also looks like I need to find a new picture thingy.

BeaverFever said...

i'm keeping it real.

matt said...

I'm saving myself for Kige Ramsey. Wood paneling makes me weak in the knees.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Is Steve an autobot or decepticon? And when he transforms into a golddfish does he rust?

These are questions your fanbase wants answers to Seppo Evwaraye.

Ian said...

OK, a little late but need to fix some "facts" - Jim Marshall isn't in the HOF (should be, but isn't) and doesn't hold the most consecutive games played record either (a punter does but Marshall has most consecutive starts).

Drizztdj said...

The punter isn't a real football player. Long live Wrong-way Marshall!!

SKOL VIKES!

Smitty Lite said...

Ahh the vikings... ruining football seasons for me for 26 years and counting...