Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 9: Betrayed!


Vick: Whoa, man.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

I am stoned like Betty fucking Crocker. I can’t believe how fucking stoned I am. Check it out! Tree bark is growing on my legs! That is fucking trippy, man.

(phone rings)

WHO’S THAT?

(phone rings)

Quit scaring me like that, Mr. Phone. I don’t sneak up behind you and start making weird fucking noises. Show some goddamn respect.

(phone rings)

Shit.

(picks up phone)

Who dis?

Purnell: Ookie, it’s Peace.

Vick: Oh, Peace! How the fuck you doin’, man? Dude, remember when we put that rabbit in a garbage can and rolled it down a highway exit ramp? That was fucking hilarious.

Purnell: Michael, I’m not doing so hot. Listen man, Quanis and I have decided to negotiate plea deals.

Vick: You’re starting a flea circus? That’s fucking crazy man. I saw a cartoon about that. They were on trapezes and stuff. Really high end, mind-blowing shit. Do fleas fight? That would be bitchin’.

Purnell: No, we pleaded guilty. You know, in the dogfighting case.

Vick: Oh, the dogfighting thing! That shit’s still going on? I smoked up, like, sixty times after that, so I figured that shit was just over and what not. I always think things will work out in the end. You might call me an optimist like that.

Purnell: No, it’s not over. We had to settle with the government.

Vick: Settle? How much did they pay you?

Purnell: No, not that kind of settlement. We got a chance at reduced charges in exchanges for testifying that you were the main financier and organizer of the fights.

Vick: So you get off easier by testifying against me?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

MUTHAPHUCKKA, I’VE BEEN BETRAYED! YOU SOLD ME OUT, MAN!

Purnell: We didn’t have a choice! We were going to go to jail for years!

Vick: But what about our friendship, man? What about all the good times we had together? Like the time we smoked up and ate that entire package of Hormel pepperoni? Or the time we smoked up and went down to the dock and unhooked all the boats and watched them drift away? Or what about the time we smoked up and I nailed your fiancee? We shared moments, man. Precious memories. And now you’ve gone and doodooed all over them! You and Qyntel!

Purnell: Quanis.

Vick: Whatever.

Purnell: We’re still friends. You know we’re boys, man. No one can take that away from us. But we had to do what we had to do.

Vick: You didn’t have to do anything! Look at me! I do nothing all day! I had to take a shit just now and I didn’t even bother to get up! Now there are fruit flies all over me!

Purnell: This is serious, man. These people mean business. They take this dogfighting shit hard, man.

Vick: But I don’t get it, man! I’m no animal hater! I love dogs. That’s why I like to fight them! I like to admire their inherent dogginess! This is horseshit!

Purnell: Either way man, you have to plea. It’s the only thing to do.

Vick: Fuck that. Nobody can send my ass to jail. No one has my escapability! I’mma beat the rap, then get back to doin’ what I do best: run with the football as a quarterback.

Purnell: But I thought you were suspended.

Vick: (takes bong hit) I was? Man, why am I always the last motherfucker on Earth to know shit?!

Photo courtesy of The Onion

27 comments:

Matt said...

And now you’ve gone and doodooed all over them! You and Qyntel!

Nice Qyntel Woods reference thrown in there.

I can't wait for Episode 10: Jail!

"Oh shit, I am so fucking stoned, man. Wait, where's this bus taking me?"

"Michael, you were sentenced to 9 months in prison."

(takes bong hit)

"MUTHAFUCKA, I'M MICHAEL VICK! I'm gonna escape from here like I did against the Vikings that one time. Was stoned then too!"

Then Episode 11: The Real Longest Yard

....this could really go on a long time, and I love it.

Big O said...

They should just call this BDD's ye olde football blogge

BeaverFever said...

"That would be bitchin’." Since when does Vick talk like a white surfer kid from Orange Co., CA ?

Hooks Orpik said...

Who could have guessed starting an adventure feature on Michael Vick would produce this much awesomeness.

It's almost as if BDD Darren Daulton-ed it to the future, found out all this gold and then went back and let it fly. Good stuff.

Otto Man said...

When the inevitable Movie of the Week is made about this, I'd like to see Purnell and Quanis played by the same guys who do Grizz and Dotcom on "30 Rock."

gerry dorsey said...

it's like vick knew you were going to be doing this feature and screwed the pooch (no pun intended) just to give you material.

Wormfather said...

Fate smiles upon you BBD.

I have to admit that at first I wasnt a fan, but somewhere around episode 3 shit got funny.

You my friend are a visionary...now if you'll excuse me I've got to stop yanking your johnson now.

Matt said...

No fucking way Ookie uses the word inherent. At least not correctly.

Jay Byers said...

"I had to take a shit just now and I didn’t even bother to get up! Now there are fruit flies all over me!"

Damn.

Now that's real laziness.

Signal to Noise said...

Nicely done. I hope there will be an episode where Michael goes in front of the judge.

devang said...

Quit scaring me like that, Mr. Phone. I don’t sneak up behind you and start making weird fucking noises. Show some goddamn respect.

You know, I've jumped sometimes when the phone rings unexpectedly, and I don't even smoke pot.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Brilliant as always, Big Daddy, although whenever I see that picture I wish the technology existed to allow me to reach through the screen and rip that big fucking bag o'schwag right out of Ookie's undeserving clutch.

No lie: my security word is ooqibvjy

My Hero Zero said...

I'm no law-talking guy, but can a man with no knowledge of the flight capablilities of fleas really be the mastermind behind an underground dog-fighting operation?

I thought not. Case dismissed.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Promise me that post-conviction we will be treated to Ookie's inner-monologue as the Latin King's play a game of Amtrak and run a train on the Vick-express.

Panger said...

I think Michael needs to be counseled by Martha Stewart.

H.N.I.C. said...

WWSM, Do you really think vick will be in General population? You can't be that stupid.

The Last Unitard said...

Ookie don't surf.

Jason said...

+2 for "inherent dogginess". That shit had me rolling.

Awful Chief said...

They were on trapezes and stuff. Really high end, mind-blowing shit.

That just made my week. I'm so happy, I, I almost want to not hate the homeless guy I see every day after work blocking the sidewalk shaking his change cup while the food truck passes out free meals across the street.

"Spare any change...quarters, dimes, nickels. Quarters, dimes, nickels..."

Chris said...

I was kinda hoping in Vick's drug induced coma he would reach back for this little gem...

I know it was you Purnell. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!

Slash said...

I'd like to know the elapsed time of the processing. Are we talking minutes, hours or days?

And is MUTHAPHUCKKA more hardcore or gangsta than MUTHAFUCKA? Just curious.

Babydaddy said...

HNIC--agreed. Ron M. will be in Emerald City, bunking with Rick Fox.

NFL needs Selig in charge--if steroids doesn't get you a suspension, dogfighting probably gets you a bonus.

In conclusion, I decree that in Hold 'Em, K9 is now called Big Vick.

rar288 said...

All thats left is another Sex Cannon post...there better be one after the Bears play the Colts on Monday. I'm a Bears fan, and I either hope Rex does completely awful, or absolutely amazing for BDD's comedic purposes. Like if he hits 2 deep ones to Berrian or Hester, and he does his whole Sex Cannon thing, that would be awesome.

The Pirate Sloth said...

+10 Unitard. Good play.

And who knows - maybe they'll put his ass in GenPop so he could lead the group in a dance rendition of For Whom The Bell Tolls.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I just still don't understand why everyone is so down on Michael Vick for being an aerial warfare enthuisist?

I myself own an impressive collection of WWII-era hand-crafted model airplanes, and I quite enjoy the pugnacious visage of my p-40 Tigershark.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

H.N.I.C -
I'm no fancy law talking guy, but every report coming out says
that in federal court, favors for celebrity will be few and far between (unlike state court).

Oh, and me and my 54 IQ points would love to offer you the chance to eat a big bag filled with dick. Please RSVP at your mother's house.

Dusty said...

The only thing funnier than BDD's Vick post would be if Ookie was put in one of his own 'rape stands' and took it in the ass from a horny and extremely vicious brown bear.

Can't wait for the next installment Drew :)