Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:
* Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger disappointed to discover that among the 237 reasons people have sex, "to impress my buddy, Donald Trump" was only listed in the low 190s.
* In a nod to tradition, Hines Ward disposes of underpeforming fighting dogs by sauteeing them in sesame oil and serving them with a side of kimchi.
* Like his predecessor, Chris Gardocki, rookie punter Daniel Sepulveda has never had a punt blocked. Sure, it's only by default. But that shouldn't stop announcers from continuing to belabor the point and mentioning it every time the team gets a 4th down on their own end of the field, SHOULD IT?!
* LaMarr Woodley's limp-wristed throwing style helpful at javelin, less so at linebacker.
* Growing up, Willie Parker used to race pit bulls in his hometown of Clinton, N.C. But who provided those dogs? I don't know - some local guy. It wasn't Bad Newz Kennels. What? Not everything has to do with Ookie, okay?
19-0, 19 by KO.
Actual 2007 Record:
11-5, first in AFC North.
Despite being seventh in the NFL in total offense and ninth in total defense, the Steelers remained first in the league in giving me massive fucking headaches last season by committing the fourth most turnovers. There were easily at least four games they essentially gave away because of thoughtless turnovers. Given another chance and they could've been right in the thick of it. Guhhhhh.
1. Kill Ricardo Colclough -- done.
2. Tell Santonio Holmes he's allowed to punch a woman for every four punt returns he doesn't drop.
3. Have Mike Tomlin tell the white players in his blackest voice. They won't forget.
4. Give Dan Kreider more carries. Sure, he won't gain any yards. But I'll be damned if he fumbles the ball.
5. Start Charlie Batch.
6. Threaten to send Heath Miller back to Virginia.
7. Instruct Cedric Wilson that running routes doesn't mean gluing oneself to opposing defensive backs. Even if they're sexy.
8. If Willie Parker puts the ball on the ground inside the Red Zone, Casey Hampton gets to eat three pounds of his flesh.
9. Start Charlie Batch.
10. Place a woman's shoe in the opponent's endzone for Najeh Davenport.
11. Replace Kendall Simmons' insulin shots with Flintstones chewable steriods.
12. If Jeff Reed gets a kick blocked, he only gets to drink as much as Roethlisberger.
13. Start Charlie Batch. I'm super cereal.
And, voila, that 8-8 season becomes a ... non-soul-crushing season! IIIII'VE GOT A FEEEEEELING...