Friday, November 30, 2007

KSK Solves Your Writing Strike Woes With A Bunch Of F—king Horrible Movie Ideas


Apparently, there’s a big writers’ strike going on in Hollywood right now. You mean there are writers who get paid? Well, what the fuck are THEY bitching about? Nick Denton pays me in Dave and Busters tokens and old packets of Sizzlean. Such bullshit.

Anyhoo, reader Mamacita was kind enough to pass along this link to Project Redlight, which is Radar magazine’s contest to pitch the worst movie idea you possibly can. Jesus, we at KSK were BORN for this contest. I myself have written no less than four terrible screenplays. One was about a fireman who gets accidentally reunited with a son of his that was born after raping a woman he rescued. It was not a comedy. You don’t want to read it.

Another one was about a boy who could fly. That one was crazy gay. Then there was my treatment for a holiday fable entitled, “The Christmas Orc”. Hey, there are elves at the North Pole. What if there were orcs too? It’s “Santa Claus: The Movie” meets “The Two Towers”! All in stop-motion animation! We could have the queer who made “Nightmare Before Christmas” do it! The dipshits at Ain’t It Cool News would write a glowing 10,000-word review of it, 9,500 of which would detail how they got to the theater!

Anyway, those ideas aside, we at KSK brainstormed some of our bestest movie ideas evar. Here is what we came up with:

-Joe Namath biopic starring Jake Gyllenhaal

-Andy Dick biopic

-"SSW: The Motion Picture"

-"Shrek the Third 2"

-10-hour documentary on the Jesus Twins

-A tennis academy full of midgets

-"Riding In Cars With Boys 2," starring Brady Quinn

-“The Amy Winehouse Story,” starring Tracy Morgan

-Remake of “Fraternity Vacation” starring Breckin Meyer

-“The Maroon 5 Story”

-A smack addled privileged young chimp finds love in an upscale California rehab center/spa/dianetics center falls in love with Lindsay Lohan (playing herself) after a romp in the broom closet. It is the single dirtiest sex scene in cinematic history. Robin Williams and Charlize Theron are attached as the chimp's parents.

-“Baby Geniuses 3,” starring Ted McGinley!

-“Joe Theismann's Tourgasm”

-“Alien vs. Predator vs. Abbot vs. Costello”

-“Ron Paul's Dracula”

-“K Street: The Motion Picture”

-Will Leitch in “Lose Ben Stein’s Money, And Your Fiancee”

-What about a pregnant lesbian that can no longer play acoustic guitar after losing her hand in a deforestation protest involving a wood chipper that has to fight for her baby's well being atop Mt. Everest?

-“NFL Draft The Movie”

-“Don't Tase Me Bro: the Musical”

-Another Paul Thomas Anderson film that isn't “Boogie Nights”

-"My Life As A Teenage Assistant Manager"

-“Clint Evans: A Life”

-"Wasssssssup! The Movie!”

-"Arabian Night Rider"

-"See, my - my theory is that all the characters ARE Hamlet! It's all happening in Hamlet's head! So you only need ONE actor!"

-“Small Wonder: V.I.C.I. Grows Up”

-James Woods is... Pinnochio!

-A remake of "Eyes Wide Shut" (it's been long enough!)

-Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and George Takei in "The Lemon Party"!

-"Die Hard", on a carousel!

-Britney Spears in “Strip Tease II: Give Me Some Money And I'll Put the Clothes Back On”

-A horror movie about Bads Newz Kennelz! It's “Jaws” meets "Tales from the Hood"!

-“The Virgin Diaries,” a biopic centering on the life and career of AC Green. It's “40 Year Old Virgin” meets “Basketball Diaries!”

-“The Isiah Trial.” It's "Disclosure" meets "Asstraffic.com"!

-Modern version of "Mein Kampf" starring Bill Simmons

-”The Dickens Cider House Rules”

-Merchant-Ivory biopic. The story of how boring melodramas were made

That’s all we got. Yours in the comments.

NOTE: UM is forgoing his normal gambling post this morning to write a Sean Taylor tribute for the weekend. You’ll have to make your retarded wagers on your own.

99 comments:

Grimey said...

I've got an idea for a movie, and here's my pitch.

I'll get a job and quit my band and you stop being a bitch.

Ken Dynamo said...

writing movies is easy. just do whatever you want for 90 minutes and then in the last scene have the main character wake up and say:

"It was all a dream..."

and then they look at the camera.

"Or was it?"

the end.

Upstate Underdog said...

"2girls1cup versus tub girl"

An epic battle

NeverNude said...

I think it's been far too long since a Police Academy installment.

Police Academy 8. I know Jonesy is available.

Ben said...

They should just hire AWESOM-O.
"Um... Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler is like in love with some girl. But it turns out that the girl is actually a golden retreiever or something."

Gourmet Spud said...

One was about a fireman who gets accidentally reunited with a son of his that was born after raping a woman he rescued. It was not a comedy.

If that was a joke, amazing. If that was real...still amazing. What would the title be on something like that?

I'd like to see "Degrassi Junior High: The Porno".

Michael said...

Vin Diesel is Oliver Wendall Holmes in "Buff Justice."

Big Daddy Drew said...

It was real. The title was "Fire Man".

Wildly creative title, I know.

NeverNude said...

One was about a fireman who gets accidentally reunited with a son of his that was born after raping a woman he rescued. It was not a comedy.

How about "Back Draftin' dat ass"

Pepster said...

How about a movie simply about Pac-Man joins going to every strip club in the country - and terrorizing every stripper there.

Entitled - "Make it Rain ... Bullets".

The Middle Man said...

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

lead by Emmitt Smith
speech coach Mayor Thomas Menino.

Pepster said...

Sorry - I meant Pac-Man Jones. Still hungover.

Bryan said...

We all know Custer died at Little Big Horn. What this film presupposes is: what if he didn't?

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Make retarded wagers on my own? Are you freaking nuts? I know that UM is really Brandon Lange.

Gourmet Spud said...

Not an auto-biopic, I hope?

Gourmet Spud said...

@ bryan:

Awesome.

Bobby said...

Michael Vick in Beethoven 7 - Junkyard Style
Sean Taylor was supposed to star in Miami Vice 2 1/2 with Peyton Manning

Rob I said...

Air Bud IV: There Will Be Bud

mamacita said...

A porno based on Cyberchase.
Tobacco Road: The Musical
Red Shoe Diaries 24: Blogger Bukakke
Bee Movie

Jarrett Carter said...

Sizzlean > this morning's Mickey D's chicken biscuit.

Awful Chief said...

"The Purple Jesus"
Like "The Big Lebowski", but with NFL running backs!

or

"Felicitas" -
"Happiness", but in Latin!

Phony Gwynn said...

Death Race 3000, but instead of racers running down innocent civilians it's drunk hipsters riding their thrift-store bikes into oncoming traffic.

SDW said...

Porn and Chocolate: The Wade Phillips Story.

Awful Chief said...

"Circumcise Me" - An elephant named Orenthal goes on a quest for someone or something to circumcise him. Voice of elephant by Gilbert Gottfried.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Boyz in the Cut Off Hood - The Bill Belichek story.

My Insignificant Life said...

A remake of Gunslinger (1957):

GUNSLINGER FACTS - Cult bombshells Beverly Garland and Allison Hayes star in this low-budget panthecolor feminist Western directed by Roger Corman.

New movie, new name:

Cumslinger starring Rex Grossman - A widow (Miss Lovie) watches as her Town Marshall dies in a gun fight with the evil outlaw, Griese. Even though Griese is injured, he is not dead and lives and laughs at her. He says that he now runs the town. Miss Lovie says enough is enough, I need a real man to help this town out - I need The Cumslinger!! Riding into town with his stallion, The Slinger eliminated the outlaw Griese and Miss Lovie falls for him. The Slinger, not known for staying with one woman at a time, quickly shows his appreciation for Miss Lovie by impregnating her and turns his attention to rest of the female populace of the town. Within a matter of hours, all have been impregnated by his magic bullets. The Cumslinger conquers yet another town in the west.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Transporter 3 - Starring Ed Hochuli

Marshall said...

Small Wonder: V.I.C.I. Grows Up

I really hope this is NC-17, I can't imagine it PG-13. Will half the movie take place in the closet where she "rests" at night? I'm imagining a passionate love scene between her and the guy who created her, aka her quasi-dad. It's like me having sex with Jesus, a little gay, but also really cool.

Punch Rockgroin said...

Anything where David Caruso wears sunglasses.

Upstate Underdog said...

”The Dickens Cider House Rules” = dick inside her rules.

I just got that and now the people I work with are looking at me.

Phony Gwynn said...

Leathernecks, a rambunctious, rollicking love story centered around 1920s football, starring George Clooney and Jim from The Off-

What? No shit?

quiet strength said...

Don't Tase Me Bro: the Musical - I would definitely see that one.

twoeightnine said...

Father Knows Shit: The Sing A Long

Awful Chief said...

"Ny Ninner Nith Andre" starring Lou Holtz and Shannon Sharpe

Punch Rockgroin said...

"Too Many Puppies" starring ol' #7.

Based on the book by Patience Brewser, about a child who realizes that despite all the love she could give, there's just too many puppies!

With soundtrack provided by Primus.

Gourmet Spud said...

Raising Arizona 2: How Kurt Warner Saved a Franchise Through the Miracle of Faith...

...The Porno.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Jim Nantz Buys Drapes

brick said...

I would go see arabian night rider, that just sounds kick-ass.

How about

"The Announcer" staring Greg Gumble

Phony Gwynn said...

znlvzkl4329#$^#$njc-dppsdfkafs;fsksjlskdf: The Dexter Manley Story

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Lemon Party the Movie - starring Charlie Wise, Norv Turner, and Wade Phillips

NHZ said...

"No Country For Old Men 2" which consists entirely of Brett Favre drowning.

I'm sorry, I thought you said good movie suggestions.

Pepster said...

"Superman that Ho": The Tim Tebow Story

"Ex-Communication" - Emmitt Smith plays a priest that is defrocked because of his inability to properly preach (i.e. speak) to his congregation. The funniest scenes being actual 20 or 30 minute sermons written by Emmitt himself.

How about anything with Kim Kardashian, Catherine Bell, Jessica Alba, Gabrielle Union and any other hot actresses all naked and together? Wait - you meant stupid movie ideas - sorry. Oh, the masturbation ban is still on - my bad.

Upstate Underdog said...

"You're With Me Leather: The Chris Berman Story"

lost said...

nevernude- saw michael winslow commercial last night, thought the same thing

i haven't solidified my idea yet, but it will feature heavily Keith David and David Keith. "A Bridge Too Far" as a C-Movie?

Drew- Ladder 69? Um...don't quit your day...uhhh...whatever it is you do all day.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

French Kiss

The story of Magic Johnson & Isiah Thomas in the 1988 NBA Finals

Awful Chief said...

"Return to the Blue Lagoon 2: With Herpes"

Matt said...

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 2 starring Lindsay Lohan, Tank Johnson and Pac-Man Jones

Pemulis said...

Leap Frog Presents:
8============D~~~~

adross9 said...

William Shatner in Incubus, in which everyone speaks Esperanto...wait, this might've been done already.

Pemulis said...

Dennis Miller's Crossing

My Insignificant Life said...

Singing in The Rain - The Pac-Man Jones Story

devang said...

White Messengill- Massholes and the people who love to hate them

Beano's Cook said...

Prozac Nation 2 starring Alonzo Spellman: 2 straight hours of him walking around aimlessly looking for public pay phones to destroy.

Upstate Underdog said...

Planet Unicorn: The Motion Picture

Starring Tom Cruise as Tom Cruise, heyyyyy !

Howie Feltersnatch said...

@ Awful chief
Brilliant!

I'll wait for the DVD and subtitles

Pemulis said...

Airborne. - Mitchell Goosen is sixteen/seventeen year old kid from California who loves to surf and roller blade. Yet, his parents, who are two zoologists were given a grant to work in Australia. The only problem was: Mitchell couldn't go with them. So, he gets sent to stay with his aunt, uncle, and cousin in Cincinnati, Ohio. When he arrives, he meets his cousin who is also his new roommate for the next six months: Wiley. Mitchell then goes to school and gets on the bad side the high school hockey players. Mitchell and Wiley end up enduring weeks of torture from the guys. Then, the big guys and Mitchell and Wiley have to learn to get along to try to beat the Central High School rivals in a competition down Devil's Backbone.

Porky1 said...

A remake of "Blazing Saddles" with:
TO as Sherriff Bart
Romo as The Waco Kid
Parcells as Governor LaPetomain
Garrett as Hedley Lamarr
Jerry Jones as Taggart
Wade Philips as Mongo
and
Roger Goodell as Lilli Von Shtup

J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J said...

John Madden is...CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!!

"He starts coming up the sideline and gets pushed out of bounds and the play ends because when your pushed out of bounds thats what happens."

Ryan The Intern said...

"The Mike Penner Story," starring Colin Farrell.

My Insignificant Life said...

@ Porky1 - +1

and Bill Belichick as the Horse

lost said...

porky, milf- all of the various Johnsons to be played by actual players named Johnson. there ought to be enough.

except
Emmitt Smith as Gabby Johnson

Jackin'4Beats said...

WABBA DABBA SHABBA EBBA DEBBA TILLA - Starring Shannon Sharpe as himself.

or

Hitman starring Sean Taylor as the heat seeking missle

or

Construda Times starring Meth and Red with guest appearances by MV7 and Kool Aid.

Shoopmonster said...

How about a remake of Ford Fairlane with Dane Cook and Joe Buck?

Hercules Rockefeller said...

It's about a killer robot driving instructor that travels back in time for some reason.

No, no, no you can't lose the pie. The pie's your heart.

Porky1 said...

How about Frank Caliendo, Dane Cook, and Mo'Nique in a remake of SOME LIKE IT HOT?

Otto Man said...

Three words, four capital letters.

JonBenet: The Musical!

dick_gozinia said...

I vote for The Jesus Twins documentary...holy hell that was an obscure reference. You're just lucky I listened to a lot of Howard Stern 7 years ago.

My pitch, OJ Simpson: A Life.

We'd just focus on him being a running back, banging every blonde west of Indiana, jumping over luggage at the airport, being Nordberg, and then it would end. Ron Goldman would sue me.

Porky1 said...

Hey, on a related note... HBO's making a Barry Bonds/BALCO biopic...I say LL Cool J could do it, but he'd need to gain 50 pounds and they'd have to fit him with a prosthetic head like Eric Stoltz had in MASK to get the right proportions

brad said...

Turning Chicken Salad into Chicken Shit: the Norv Turner Story

Upstate Underdog said...

@dick gozinia, most annoying guests ever on THSS.

naptown drew said...

A remake of MASK starring AJ Hawk as Rocky Dennis.

Kolja said...

Here's an idea that could very well be the worst movie in the history of mankind.

First, there's this old hag, right? Then this leathery old dude comes around. He LOOKS like he might be a badass but for some reason acts like a big bucket of puss. She lives in this place called Madison County, and there's these bridges and shit.

It would be the worst.... movie... ever.

What? Oh. Never mind then.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

http://queryletters.blogspot.com/

chewbacca lowenstien said...

"Make Mine a Bread Sandwich," The Life and Times of Big Daddy Drew

Alan said...

Air Bud in China: Yao eats Buddy.

...DATS RACIST!

Otto Man said...

"Look Who's Oinking"

Hank said...

Boys Don't Cry II

- starring Holley Mangold

Mike said...

A biopic of Jim Varney directed by David Lean. They're not dead they're just unavailable.

smurphette said...

"Castaway" with Sean Salisbury in Hanks' role. Wilson the volleyball to be played by Stephen A. Smith.

"Legends of the Fall," starring Peyton, Eli, and Archie Manning.

Any film featuring Sarah Jessica Parker.

Awful Chief said...

"Attack of the Living, Breathing Documents"

J.L. White said...

Queen Mary

Okay, we have Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett back together again, but this time the ship doesn't sink, so........uh, they play Canasta and eat shrimp cocktails for 90 minutes.

Otto Man said...

In the spirit of the Andy Kaufman biopic "Man in the Moon" ...

"They Call Me the Streak: The Ray Stevens Story."

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

How dare you besmirch Failure to Launch?!?!

Failure 2 Launch El Dos Mi Amigo: "Wooderson, Howie, JB and the gang are all here"

OR

Denzell Washington in 'The Herm Edwards Story'

"Now look, I'm gonna act real cocky and say a bunch of things that don't make sense and act like they do. Why? Because I'm black and have an uncertain level of anger that white people cannot comprehend, that's why! But rest assured, I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about."

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Damon Wayans does a biopic combining his characters Blaine Edwards and Jimmy Dix for:

"SLASH: The Kordell Stewart Story"

It'll be like "Ray," you know, but good.

dickey simpkins said...

Unnamed project as of now, but I'm picturing BDD as the scriptwriter. Imagine Wade and Jerry in a buddy-cop movie, getting into all sorts of adventures, such as Jerry fighting Mexicans, Wade eating things, etc. It'll be like Rush Hour, except there are no blacks or Asians, minus the ones who die at the hands of Jerry.

dickey simpkins said...

Or, a complete shot for shot remake of Godfather with all original dialouge.
Don Vito-Charles Barkley
Michael-Emmit Smith or Shannon Sharpe
Sunny-G-reg Easterbrook (for the turnpike scene alone).
Fredo-Bill Simmons (the voice is perfect fit).
Luca Brasi-Tony Siragusa
And so on...

Porky1 said...

dickey, can I suggest Mike Shanahan as Moe Green?

"I'M MOE GREEN! I MADE MY BONES WHEN YOU WERE BANGIN' CHEERLEADERS!"

Bill Parcells would have to be the crooked cop, McCluskey.

Bryant Gumbel as Tom Hagen

Maybe Eric Mangini as Clemenza and Joe Gibbs as Tessio.

But Siragusa as Luca Brasi, that's just excellent casting.

Two Dogs said...

Phony Gwynn's The Dexter Manley Story is the damn funniest one. Kudos.

How about MVP: The David Eckstein Story.

Jay said...

As part of a class I had in school, I had to write a short synopsis of a fictional movie and come up with an appropriate trailer for it. Because I was of such wisdom in my tender years, I chose to do the assignment of Scud Shitter 2: Return To Wilfork Plaza, with the main character of Will Markburg being played by John Cena. I propose that the role of Mark Willburg in the prequel Scud Shitter 1: Fucking Mexicans be played by Rex Grossman as Rex Grossman. The tagline, to rip it straight off SS2:RTWP, shall be:

"ONLY ONE MAN IS REX GROSSMAN...AND THAT MAN...IS REX GROSSMAN."

Tell me that doesn't sound Oscar-worthy.

Mike said...

No no Porky, Parcells is Clemenza, Mangini is Carlo Rizzi. McCluskey is Ray Lewis.

Jamal Lewis as The Turk!

Chad Johnson as Johnny Fontane!

dickey simpkins said...

porky, it's almost impossible to not visualize a dimwitted Tony slowly reciting his speech before seeing Don Barkley.

Robocats said...

Rocky 7: Rocky dies in the opening scene, and is replaced by Ted McGinley in a pivotal boxing match in which he represents the interests of the western world. The catch? He is fighting a magically reincarnated Stalin and a reconstituted Soviet Bloc.

Pretty much anything with Ted McGinley.

Christmas Ape said...

Cartoon feature:

Ohio, the Second to Last Dinosaur

Otto Man said...

Pretty much anything with Ted McGinley.

Agreed. That man may have been the Dr. Kervorkian for TV shows on life support, but you gotta love that winning smile.

genevieveyorke said...

re: "-“The Amy Winehouse Story,” starring Tracy Morgan"

what the hell are you talking about? that movie would be amazing. i would totally watch it.

also, how about an iggy pop biopic starring elijah wood? oh wait...

generny2001 said...

Holocaust: The Musical!

Tony said...

How about a remake of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" starring Mel Gibson. You could make the villan a dog. You just have to set up that the dog is evil. You could give it shifty eyes.

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