Thursday, February 28, 2008

KSK Field Trip: Las Vegas! Preview: The Seven Story, And Other Wanton Acts Of Stupidity


I’m going to Vegas this weekend, and while I’d like to follow guy code and pretend I know everything there is to know about Vegas, the fact of the matter is I’ve been there a grand total of one time, and deserve to have the word MARK written in red oil-based paint on my shirt when I touch down on the tarmac.

Five years ago I came for my own bachelor party. One story in particular stands out. There were 10 of us waiting outside the Hard Rock for a cab one night, but the cab line was miles long. So a big black guy who went only by the name of Seven came up to us. He did not look like George Costanza’s son.

Seven explained to us that he could give us a ride, and then gestured over to a very large Hummer limo.

Keep in mind there were ten of us here. One of my friends (or me) could have piped up at any time and said, “I’m not sure this is a good idea,” and we probably would have realized it. But no one did, and everyone was shitfaced, so we all got in.

I don’t know if all Hummer stretch limos are created equal, but if so, they’ve got a lot of room for improvement. There were two long banquettes of seats and a black light. No one touched the minibar out of fear that a glass of Chardonnay would run $7,500. We asked Seven to find us some ladies for the evening. After ten minutes of driving, we seemed to be well outside the city limits. The highway was pitch black, and the limo driver had cranked up The Prodigy on the stereo system so high that I could actually feel the sound passing through my sinus cavity. I immediately pictured in my head our final destination: Nicky Santoro's death scene in “Casino”. I was hoping not to buried naked.

Me: I think we’re all about to die.

Instead, the limo pulled up in front of Cheetahs. Only I got out of the limo. The others were told to wait. Before entering the club, Seven turned to me:

Seven: Now don’t talk to any of the girls about our business while we’re in the club. Just pick two you like and I’ll hook you up.

Me: (retarded) Okay! That sounds great!

We headed into the club. Seven grabbed one girl.

Seven: You like her?

Me: She’s okay. Can we keep looking?

Seven: No.

Me: Okay. She’s great! When can she meet us back at the hotel?

Stripper: What are you talking about?

Seven then pulled me aside and castigated me for bringing up our business in the club. I apologized. He pointed out two more girls. I said okay. We got back in the limo and were driven back to Mandalay Bay. We got out. My friend Farooq (not his real name, but he is Muslim), paid Seven $700 cash in advance. Seven told us to go wait in our rooms.

We sat around the room for a solid two hours until someone said:

Someone: Uh, I don’t think they’re coming.

Everyone Else: Oh! It was a scam! We get it now!

But at least he didn’t kill us. I felt very lucky in that regard.

The rest of my trip there didn’t go to waste. There was a French hooker in a g-string in the cabana next to us one day at the pool. I didn’t have to pay for dinner at China Grill. I made a futures bet on a Vikings Super Bowl win that had no chance of winning. I actually made it to the main part of Ghostbar after waiting in 17 separate lines to get in. Once there, a woman came up and said hi to me.

Me: I’m getting married next month!

Hooker: Well, you can always use a good ho.

Me: Yes! That is true! (doesn’t know what else to say)

I tried craps, only to end up throwing the dice off the table twice, which I hear is a bit of a party foul. I studied the rules of that game for five hours on my flight over. It still baffled me. I got so drunk each night that I began talking to my own shadow. And I made $80 at the blackjack table while having this strategy chart out in front of me like the little girl I am. The Pit Boss came over and made fun of me for it. Well, fuck that guy. I made $80. I AM A GODDAMN WHALE, YOU FAT PIG!

So all in all, not a bad trip. What does this go round have in store? You’ll just have to find out next week, dicksmacks.

31 comments:

deafjeff said...

Put $50 on red 23, You can't lose!

BaCsonkaDonk said...

Drew was in the Nation of Domination?

twoeightnine said...

I love that cheat sheet. I blew it up to a full page so I can read it when I'm blacked out.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Gay Mafia > Jewish Mob

smurphette said...

Wait, you were in Vegas, in a Hummer limo, and you were trying to drink Chardonnay? Really? Gay Mafia, indeed.

Rob I said...

What does this go round have in store?

I'm putting 3/1 odds on a tranny surprise.

Moof! said...

God I hate Simmons.

Abe said...

Remember, "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas." except for the Hep C that you pick up from the whore on Flamingo and Las Vegas Blvd. That goes with you.

BEHM777 said...

Be glad that Seven wasn't Suge Knight.

Jay said...

Me?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

@rob -
Midget tranny surprise.

Otto Man said...

Did you guys get taken in by the Wallet Inspector too?

No offense, BDD, but I think I've met Amish children with a better street smarts.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Drew, that shit with "Seven" (or Nick Pappagiorgio, as I like to think of him in my head as) would never have happened to Simmons. House, J-Bug and Hench would have TOTALLY known what to do.

DougOLis said...

Nascar?

Marmatard said...

I actually made it to the main part of Ghostbar after waiting in 17 separate lines to get in.

What a difference five years makes. Ghostbar is one of the easiest places to get into these days (if you arrive early enough).

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I'd recommend gluing the blackjack cheat sheet to the inside of a Stratego boxlid, pausing occasionally to say "lemme jus' check the rules again."

/they didn't find it that funny at the Casino Queen in East St. Louis either

SlideShow Bob said...

Can someone tell me who the hell Tommy Kelly is?

ciarannh said...

@otto man:

To be fair, we're talking about a large black man with a hummer limo, that knows ho's. Drew is among the whitest people in the world, he's not equipped for that kind of situation. He should just be thankful that it was some muslim guy that had to pay

Tracer Bullet said...

Go to the Liberty Cafe inside White Cross Drugs near the Stratosphere. It's on the shady end of the Strip and it's across the street from a strip club and what has to be the world's only 24-hour Chinese restarant/donut shop . Go at 3 a.m. for the parade of humanity. Cops, hookers, strippers, junkies, busted-out gamblers, gambers on a roll, casino workers. I once watched a pimp in a hideous electric blue suit eat a ham steak with his hands as ham juice dripped into his sleeves and his ugly blond whore just stared into space. That place is a fucking blast.

Evan said...

Ghostbar kicks ass. I was there over the summer and got the royal treatment thanks to a misunderstanding where they thought one of my friends had a black card. And we got a free bottle of rum from a middle aged couple near us.
Side note, does sexual harassment exist in Vegas?

James said...

do NOT sit at a table with joey porter

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

I'd say watch out for the Mossad, but you won't see them coming.

roy said...

Big black guy named Seven? What was his nickname---"Tiny"?

fallex said...

Drew, didn't you hear? Vegas is dead.

dickey simpkins said...

Maybe you can punctuate each wild and crazy act with "Vegas baby, Vegas." Because you know, Vegas is so mystical and breathtaking with its hordes of smut peddling and 5 dollar buffets.

JAMMQ said...

You needed some Silky Garrard up in that piece.

Hank Wackman said...

@Francois Leroux Speedskater

And you NEVER go to Vegas with a group of ten! Don't you know that it screws up the whole taxi dynamic? Morons.

Otto Man said...

Can someone tell me who the hell Tommy Kelly is?

I believe he's Johnny Dangerously's kid brother.

Tyler Houston said...

X-mas Ape wants to be, "J-Bug." Unsilent Majority wants to be, "Hench." Punter...well, Punter just wants a woman not made of plastic.

mcm said...

I would like to go to Las Vegas and play in a high roller casino but it’s an expensive thing to do, even more so when you live in the UK. I have to resort to playing a casino game online instead which lets me win the money but I miss out on the atmosphere, but still save £600 on the 14 hour flight. So until I win big all I’ll do is play online casino dreaming of Las Vegas.

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