Monday, February 11, 2008

DEBACLED!

Don't worry, those fuckers on 980 thought
I was inexperienced at first! They've really come along.


I stand before you, a broken fan. If you're looking for some sort of explanation then your ass is as lost as mine. We focus on the funny around here, but right now I'm just tired. I'm tired of reading about Jim Zorn's level of experience, I'm tired of thinking about ways to maim Vinny Cerrato (I'm leaning towards Ling Chi, not to be confused with Lin Chi Ling), but mostly I'm tired of picturing Danny's smug sense of self-worth.


OK, that was pretty damn funny. I guess I'm ready to delve into this debacle.

Jim Zorn? Really? The guy must have designed and implemented one hell of an offense in the past two weeks. Never mind the fact that he's making the jump from Holmgren's quarterbacks coach to the head coach of a playoff team despite never even handling the duties of a play caller.

No, wait. Let's mind that fact for a little bit...

This prick may be the greatest guy to ever live (think "Hitler in Bizzaro World") but he's never done anything. Being an offensive assistant under Holmgren in the early nineties might have meant something, but now the fatass does everything himself.

League sources tell us that Holmgren's assistants have been relegated to duties such as combing plankton out of the coach's beard and collecting his discarded ambergris. Hell, Holmgren guards his play sheet even more closely than his family's secret recipe for salt pork (take one pig, salt to taste... serves one). And now this assistant is supposed to take the reigns of our entire franchise? That guy must have been coaching the shit out of Seneca Wallace behind closed doors.

...

You know what Danny? I'm done.

No, I'm not done being a fan, that could never happen (but stop testing me, asshole). What I'm done with is you, Mr. Snyder. So that means I won't be purchasing any more of Fed Ex Field's $8 Miller Lites or $12 shots of Grand Marnier. Moreover, I'm done with all of your precious "licensed" merchandise. If I want a jersey I'll buy one, but I'll be damned if your seeing one damn penny of my flawless $35 Mitchell & Ness Doug Williams knock-off. Oh, and as for the rest of your business ventures...

JOHNNY ROCKETS BURGERS
<
FIVE GUYS BURGERS

GOING SIX FLAGS
<
GOING TO THE TRAILER PARK

YOUR WORTHLESS* ESPN AFFILIATES THAT BROADCAST SCHRUTEBAG AND STEPHEN A.
<
SPORTSTALK 980 (ALTHOUGH BMITCH SURE ISN'T HELPING)

TOM CRUISE
<
KEANU REEVES

*Save for Bram and a few others.

And as for you Mr. Zorn, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt for now... but watch your damn step. Redskins fans get pissed enough when you confuse the colors burgundy and maroon, but confusing gold for black? I'm already worried that you're taking Mark Shapiro's retard pills.

The combine can't get here quickly enough.



photoshop via Thighs Wide Shut who got it from somewhere else. Here perhaps?

26 comments:

85 said...

Hey Maj, have some faith. Andy Reid was Mike Holmgren's quarterbacks coach once too. So, uh, yeah. Enjoy.

the great bambi said...

way more depressing that i hoped...when your urge to kill is high enough can you make sure danny boy is target A and vinny 1A?

5150 said...

Who cares? The Redskins fucking suck, no gave two shits about them until Taylor died.

Heh, and you bitched about Gibbs.

Illegal Immigrant said...

Key phrase here: benefit of the doubt. Snyder lost that ages ago but it's all Zorn has right now. And all that's keeping me from joining Maj in a duplicate of the D.C. sniper spree. Except we'll be known as the "Redskins Park Snipers" and probably get caught real quick.

twoeightnine said...

Mmmm, Five Guys. Looks like it's time for lunch.

oldefreddjung said...

If it makes you feel better, hiring him means he won't be on the coaching staff of the team that has ended your last two playoff runs. So theres that, I guess.
Having typed that, I realize that isn't much. But I guess with the Danny and Vinny show, it'll have to do.

Brian said...

The only way this would be worse was if they hired someone's special teams coach.

Oh, shit. My Ravens already did that.

FUCK!

oldefreddjung said...

Actually having typed that, I realize it makes no sense. I have to quit shooting heroin before lunch.

But, you know, Danny boy blows.

SonOfSpam said...

"Zorn" sounds just a little like "Xenu". I'm not sayin...I'm just sayin.

Ben said...

I miss Five Guys, that was a staple of my summer diet.

Unsilent Majority said...

that's why the staple of your new diet is in fact, staples.

smurphette said...

Five Guys is the tits, and the Zorn hiring might be worth it just for the "children of the zorn" tag.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Don't feel bad maj, even us Seahawks fans are confused all to hell.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Am I surprised Zorn was hired? Not in the least.

/wilbon

quiet strength said...

The whole time I was hoping Billick would be the surprise hire. And Snyder would praise Billick's smugness. And they'd start each day with a smug-off. And they could work together to become more smug. It would have been a beautiful thing.

fallex said...

I like that the picture in PK's MMQB called him "Jim Zora."

Robocats said...

My deepest sympathies, but also my most enthusiastic compliments for expressing your anger and heartbreak in hilarious terms.

I really think Snyder was just trying to one-up the Jerry Jones-Jason Garrett love affair. I'm sure that he made a phone call to Jerry just to taunt him.

Oh and Johnny Rockets is fucking terrible. It's like a shitty knock-off of Steak and Shake except slightly more expensive and somehow rather popular with these poor, deluded East Coasters with whom I attend college.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

My condolences on your new coach. But hey, if a coaching neaderthal like Coughlin can change and go on to win the Super Bowl, who knows what El Zorno can do? It is the NFC!

Snyder if definitely playing the Ray Babbitt to Jones' Charlie Babbitt. I'll be sure when Snyder admits he buys his underwear at K-Mart.

And this deluded East Coaster has only been to Johnny Rockets once, and it was horrible. The only thing they go all out on is the price.

Permanent4 said...

I haven't been to a Six Flags park in about five years. The ones I went to were total dumps -- bad park layout and low-quality ride maintenance. We had to wait 30 minutes for someone to come wipe up seat vomit. It's a roller coaster. Keep some disinfectant at a shammy in the fucking control room!

I'm going to Busch Gardens Williamsburg in May. Apollo's Chariot is the mutt's nuts.

J.L. White said...

League sources tell us that Holmgren's assistants have been relegated to duties such as combing plankton out of the coach's beard and collecting his discarded ambergris.

Damn Maj, I see someone is still bitter about two Qwest Field spankings in the playoffs. You can take your accurate, spot-on Mike Holmgren insults and stick them up your ass!

ben said...

This hiring cycle has been so bizarre. John Harbaugh in Baltimore? Mike Smith in Atlanta? Tony Sparano in Miami? Zorn in DC? None of these guys have ever been a Head Coach of ANYTHING, not even a high school team!

rukrusher said...

Did Uniwatch write a whole essay on the new Maroon and Black color scheme?

Jeff said...

permanent4:
Griffon at Busch Gardens Williamsburg is the new hotness. It destroys apollo's chariot. its worth the 30-45 minute wait for the first drop alone; trust me.

Ken Dynamo said...

five guys is fucking delicious.

lukedmartin said...

I'm appalled that Five Guys was even compared to Johnny Rockets. You can't compare filet mignon to Michael Vick's Hot Dog Surprise. Five Guys rake re smirre, Johnny Rockets rake re romet.

Furthermore, I applaud what Snyder's doing here. New coaches every year, along with atrocious salaries. I can't wait until 2014, when the 'skins are at $200 million above the cap and have Antwaan Randel El at quarterback with David Tyree and David Patton as Snyder's newest top flight wide receivers.

BEHM777 said...

I have already made my peace with the Zorn situation. Heck, I didn't know who Joe Gibbs was in '81 when he was hired. Wait...Bobby Beathard found Joe Gibbs. Beathard was a real GM. Vinny Cerrato is, um, erruh, Vinny Cerrato.

/sucks thumb in corner