Thursday, February 28, 2008

Big Sean Goes To The Market


Boss: Oh, man. We’re understaffed for the evening again. Judy, I’m afraid you’re going to have to work a double shift.

Judy: But Mr. Franklin, I already promised my sister I’d look after her kid so she can go work her OWN night shift. I can’t do it tonight.

Boss: Well, this puts us in a real bind. I mean, unless someone walks through that door right now with a sterling employment application, I’m gonna have to call back Tina or Charlie.

(door flies open)


Big Sean: Ha ha. I tell you what right now. I am liking the raw POTENTIAL of this Boston Market.

Boss: Who are you?

Big Sean: Ha ha. Two words, okay? BIG. SEAN. I’m Big Sean, and this is my associate Little Sean.

Little Sean: SMELL FOOD! WOMAN!

Boss: Oh my God! Is that your penis?

Big Sean: Ha ha. I’ll tell you what. When I look at a restaurant like Boston Market, I see chicken. Okay? I know a lotta people say, “Well, they’ve got meatloaf.” Uh uh. This menu is all about CHICKEN. What kind of chicken do you have here? Delicious chicken, that’s what.

(throws the boss an employment application)

Big Sean: Lotta room to grow here. Lotta room for Big Sean to grow. And if that young lady over there sticks around, plenty of room for Little Sean to grow as well.

Little Sean: ONE EYE SEE GIRL!

Boss: Well, I mean, what are your credentials?

Big Sean: Ha ha. Four letters, okay? E-S-P-N. This is the best network in sports, okay? I know a lot of people say, “Hey, FOX isn’t bad!” Uh uh. Not gonna happen this go round. Let me tell you about your sneeze guard. HOO BOY, it is dirty. I mean, it looks like Little Sean here gleeked all over it.

Little Sean: RUB CLEAR PLASTIC!

Boss: Well, I’m very skeptical. You just walked in off the street. And you have your penis out. I’m not even sure that’s in accordance with health codes.

Big Sean: Ha ha. I tell you what, Manager Boy. You get me behind that glass? And you let ME scoop out mashed potatoes to customers? And you see that line goin’ out the door? (playfully punches his shoulder) My oh my, you are gonna be dancing in the streets.

Boss: Where, did you go to college?

Big Sean: Ha ha. Three words, buddy: UNIVERSITY. OF. SOUTHERN. CALIFORNIA. Now I know a lotta people say, “Hey, that’s FOUR words!” Uh uh. When you abbreviate it? And you take out that “of” there? You got yourself a three-word school right there.

Little Sean: SWEATER PULLED TAUT!

Boss: Okay, okay. I guess this can work. Let’s try you behind the counter.

(one hour later)


Big Sean: Welcome to Boston Market. May I take your order?

Customer: Yeah, I’ll have…

Big Sean: Ha ha. I’m gonna tell you something RIGHT NOW: This is all about Pastry Top Chicken Pot Pie.

Customer: What?

Big Sean: Ha ha. When I look at a customer like you, what you need to have is a strong pot pie. Okay? It’s got the light and flaky top, then it hits you up with chicken and vegetables on the inside. When you get that combination going? With the chicken and the pastry? That is TOUGH to stop. Who’s gonna turn that down? No one, that’s who.

Customer: Actually, I wanted the roasted turkey breast.

Big Sean: Nuh uh. Not gonna happen. Know why? Because you aren’t built for that kind of meal. That turkey’s gonna go right through you. You’ll be shitting pure hydrochloric acid in an hour.

Little Sean: ANAL JELLY BEANS!

Customer: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Big Sean: I’m Big Sean, and this is my associate Little Sean.

(Customer runs off)

Boss: You just scared off another customer, Salisbury. I’m sorry, but I have to fire you.

Big Sean: Ha ha. Doesn’t matter, Manager Boy. There’s just not a lotta room to grow here. Now a lot of people said, “Hey! There’s a lot of room to grow there!” Uh uh. Didn’t happen. Okay? When you get into a situation like this, there’s a ceiling you’re going to hit. AND YOU CANNOT GO BEYOND THAT POINT. Just stop right now, ‘cause it ain’t happenin’.

Little Sean: UNDERWEAR CATCH BIG DRIBBLE!

Boss: I think I’d like you to leave.

Big Sean: Ha ha. One thing about Big Sean: YOU NEVER COUNT HIM OUT. Okay? He’s gonna get stronger as this whole thing goes on. Right, Little Sean?

Little Sean: LIKE GUSHY VELVET!

32 comments:

Ryan L said...

ONE EYE SEE GIRL!

Awesome, pure awesome. I love the new charachter Lil' Sean, not Big Sean.

devang said...

Ha.Ha. It sounds like little Sean's got Tourette's in the vein of (see what I did there?) that Deuce Bigelow chick.Strangely enough, little Sean makes more sense than Big Sean.

Well done Drew. Endless. Possibilities.

JAMMQ said...

What would happen if Pee-Wee Herman and and Salisbury came across each other?

Oh shit . . . sorry.

(gay dick jokes abound)

Otto Man said...

"Shit, if this is gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!"

Robert Ullman said...

YOU DON'T! SLEEP! ON LITTLE SEAN!

devin hester's speech coach said...

Drew, it is scary how well you nailed Salisbury's speaking style.

quiet strength said...

Man...Bristol musta pissed Drew off this week.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Damn you Otto! That was my sketchy Beastie Boys quote.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

By Little Sean I assume you mean Jim Rome.

Smello said...

Did either Sean get a hug from Harold Reynolds during their brief time in the employ of Boston Market? Or is that a special treat reserved for customers?

Les Savy Ferd said...

tech nine wins.

James said...

i hear victoria's secret is hiring

Leaking Geek said...

It appears Lil Sean's speech coach is Tony Siragusa.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Actually, Li'l Sean's speech style is somewhat reminiscent of PECOTA from The Dugout. Could it be that Sean Salisbury's penis is the mystical protectorate of football's innocence? (Not that I haven't suspected that all along...)

Ok, that's two baseball references in one week. I swear that's the last.

DMtShooter said...

Why does L'il Sean have to shout so much? It's like he's got Stephen A. Smith in his trousers. WHY HASN'T MY PRAISE CHANGED YOUR LIFE?

Suss said...

...

Otto Man said...

Damn you Otto! That was my sketchy Beastie Boys quote.

Sorry, Chris.

I got more stories than J.D.'s got Salinger, I hold the title and you are the challenger.

/old, white, so very white

Unsilent Majority said...

best suss comment ever.

Big Tex said...

the image of little sean serving me a meatloaf sandwich has now been burned into my mind. this is going to cost me at least 2 sessions with my shrink.

Pemulis said...

i can only hope that the "talking penii" tag means there will be other penises talking at some point.

J said...

this is absolutely hilarious but you guys keep toying with me with this door flies open without rivers stuff...

Grimey said...

I was reminded of this guy... I just wish the video didn't suck

TRCuse said...

"Do we sell french? ... fries!?"

NORB!! said...

Pure frikkin' genius Drew......you need to have Big & Lil' interview at Wal-Mart next time.

bfreakin3 said...

I realize that dick jokes are what KSK does, but this was would've even been without little sean.

bfreakin3 said...

shit, would've even been good* without...

UeckersEats said...

My girl is going to love the ANAL JELLY BEANS that I just bought her

Irish Cream said...

Stephen A. Smith lost his column so he probably did accept the prestigious job of being Sean Salisbury's penis.

Grimey said...

EVERYTHING I EJACULATE IS IMPORTANT

J said...

also, infinity points to drew for that amazing coach K post on Deadspin. made my birthday totally worthwhile.

Mike said...

When they make the movie, I hope John Clayton plays the manager.

Imaginary Friend said...

John Clayton could play the penis.