Friday, February 1, 2008

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Keith Olbermann


The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann!


As someone intimately familiar with both the worlds of sport and politics, I can say with only the utmost certainty that each is populated with the same villainous archetype: the furtive, pusillanimous but ultimately cocksure abusers of power bent on the realization of any goal, no matter how dastardly, at any cost, no matter how inimical.

By now, after seven years, we know it to be too true of this White House, controlled and cruelly engineered as it is by Vice President Dick Cheney.

[Shakes head in disgust]

But we find it all too evident in the NFL as well, purportedly a world of meritocracy, where only the truly great can achieve the ultimate prize, there underlies an ugly truth. As we were raised with the fiction that any man could grow up to be president, only those capable of backroom dealing and deception can be a Super Bowl champion.

This Patriots team - arrogating a persona which bespeaks liberty, valor and righteousness - in reality stands in a decided, calculated counterpoise. Have you no sense of decency, sirs? At long last, have you no decency?

Is it mere coincidence that the same man, Sen. Arlen Specter, who has taken a stand against George W. Bush on matters of overreaching on national security, has taken the NFL to task for its shameful decision to allow the Patriots to bend the rules with near impunity? It stands to reason that it is not.

[Shakes head in disgust]

Edward R. Murrow once said, "We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of a republic to abdicate his responsibilities. As a nation we have come into our full inheritance at a tender age. We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home."

See how that confers on me an air of gravitas? Quoting Murrow all the time? He was a beacon of journalistic integrity because he smoked a lot and had a really deep voice. Like the James Earl Jones of whities.

That is why I am calling for following:

The Giants of New York to score 27 points, one for each of the amendments to our nation's founding document, the lifeblood of democracy, for which a win by the Giants surely strikes a blow.

Similarly, those lowly, cowardly, would-be Patriots be held to no more than 10 points, mirroring the number of Commandments that they break with each passing day. I am a man of complexity. I know life is full of gradations and gray areas, but I know with every truth-seeking bone in my body that this team is nothing less than the full embodiment of evil.

And so good night, and good luck.

19 comments:

Otto Man said...

I love Olbermann -- well, when he's on MSNBC's Countdown, not NBC's Football Night in Douche-a-palooza -- but this is dead fucking perfect.

Well done, sir.

Grimey said...

The way this week has been going, how Michael Musto didn't make an appearance in this post is beyond me

Cheap Cynicism said...

I don't know how well the parody works if it just makes me like Olbermann all the more.

Impeach Bush! I mean, Go Giants!

M.C. said...

Not pricky enough

http://sportswrap.berecruited.com/

devang said...

The way this week has been going, how Michael Musto didn't make an appearance in this post is beyond me

He's busy writing under the name of Gregggggggg Easterbrook.

quiet strength said...

Remembering back when Olbermann had a touch of credibility...sigh...

Phony Gwynn said...

Like the James Earl Jones of whities.

Not John Facenda?

JAMMQ said...

Wow, that was pretty much a bull's eye strike nailing Olberman's schtick.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

arrogating a persona which bespeaks liberty, valor and righteousness - in reality stands in a decided, calculated counterpoise. Have you no sense of decency, sirs? At long last, have you no decency?

i have sudden urge..buy eli jersey/ vote for obama

Leaking Geek said...

archetype...
pusillanimous...
arrogating...

This vocabulary porn just gave me an erection.

Mr Furious said...

Excellent work. Now give your thesaurus the weekend off.

Mr Furious said...

Otto man—whither nachos?

Otto Man said...

We all got wrapped up in our "jobs" and "children" and "alcoholism" and basically let the blog wither away into nothingness. We never talked about killing it; we all just drifted away.

I wish we'd ended it better, as that last month definitely wasn't our best work. It was like Fat Elvis circa June 1977, bloated beyond recognition on fried PB&Bananner sammiches and fistfuls of barbiturates.

There may not be anymore Friday Random Ten posts or caption contests, but we'll always have the archives.

Otto Man said...

Crap, that's just the first year and it's all dated -- especially the old political shit. ("Look, honey! Pissed off liberals from the Dubyazoic era!") But I stand by the sports posts.

And some of the other stuff stands up. I want that Studiodave story about the Plumpers in Vegas read at my funeral.

No, wait -- sung.

smurphette said...

The House has gotten so much bullshit attention from the baseball stuff, now the Senate is jealous and wants in on the act. Henry Waxman and Arlen Specter? Guhhhh. Prime examples of why DC is hollywood for ugly people.

Otto Man said...

Prime examples of why DC is hollywood for ugly people.

Amen to that. I think Waxman's one of the few politicians with a working set of brains and balls, but sweet Jesus is he hideous looking. I'm pretty sure he was the model for the Weekly World News drawing of Bat Boy.

swing4 said...

Spot fucking on.

Except for the missing part where he makes a greasy pass at the nearest female intern with a pulse.

David J. said...

Genius post. Just ... genius.

BEHM777 said...

Like the James Earl Jones of whities...

As a non-whitey and Olberman fan, I just about micturated down my own leg when I read that. You guys are DANGEROUS.