Monday, February 11, 2008

Let Me Explain Why I Voted For Herbie Hancock For Album Of The Year


Few people in the football business realize that I, Dr. Z, am also a Grammy voter. Now, I’ll be honest, I don’t really like music. All that singing and dancing, that’s just a bunch of nonsense. There wasn’t of this silly music business back when Paul Brown was coaching. There was nothing but stony silence, interrupted by brief flashes of incredible rage. It was a purer way of doing things. None of this gussied up foolishness with guitars, and drums, and rhythms, and harmonizing, and people having a “good time”. That’s just style over substance. You want to express yourself, you do it by putting your cigarette out on someone. That’s what I say.

Anyway, back when I was working “boots” duty for Newsday back in the 60’s (they called it “boots” duty back then, because all cub reporters were forced to wear these tough old boots made of discarded cabbage), I ran into our music reporter, Saul Saulstein. He throws me a tape and says, “Zim, you gotta listen to this.” Says it’s a fellow by the name of Presley. Well, I didn’t like him. Had a real Jap complexion to him, and I’ll go to my grave believing that. And I didn’t care for his footwork.

But ol’ Saulstein, he has a heart attack the very next day! And since I’m the only other guy in the bullpen who had listened to this claptrap, the editor tells me I gotta fill in the dead guy’s Grammy ballot for him! Ridiculous. I voted for a spoken word album recorded by Adlai Stevenson. Now THAT man was a commanding presence! Anyway, those crazy bohos over at the Grammys decided to keep me on board as a voter permanently thereafter. In return, they always send me a fresh crate of Harry and David pears. And while I find the skin a bit thick some years, it’s still worth checking off the ol’ boxes.

So I get this year’s ballot in the mail. And, as usual, it’s nothing but a bunch of hippy dippy emptiness. I didn’t care for that Kanye West fellow ONE BIT. He’s one of these new school kind of musicians, strutting and standing around and what not. Frankly, it’s embarrassing to watch. HE DOESN’T EVEN SING! HE TALK-SINGS! Ridiculous. If I want to hear Amos & Andy again, I’ll turn on the radio in my parlor! Why can’t these young Negroes be more like Gene Pitney? Now there’s a real pro who could really work a room!

Then I hear this Foo Fighters record and it’s just a bunch of screaming and shouting and noise. I immediately threw it in the trash. Honestly, a two-year-old could do that sort of thing. Reminded me of when I shared a bathroom with the lead singer of Steppenwolf back in ’73. Really thought he was a big deal. Thought growin’ his hair long might make his little soldier downstairs look bigger! I was unimpressed on both counts.

And who’s this Any Winehouse lady? I saw a picture of her. Looked like Judy Garland after three days on her deathbed. Just pathetic. I throw in the record, and it’s clearly just a cheap imitation of what of the Platters were trying to do back in ’52. And the Platters were nothing more than a simpleton boy band. Pretty pathetic. The Flaming Redhead said she looked like a he-she. Then she stabbed me with a serving fork. These musicians are all just a bunch of sad druggies. Why are we honoring them? Why aren’t we giving Grammys to Harry Carson?

Then I get to this Vince Gill record. This so-called “country” record. Ridiculous. What a misnomer. Any rational person knows that what is called “country” today is not actually “country”. I have to laugh whenever someone calls it that. Real country music started up in Appalachia! You can’t call it country if there’s no mandolin! Language isn’t supposed to evolve based upon how society uses it! They didn’t have the courtesy to send the album to me on vinyl. How can I know if it’s any good if I can’t play it on the ol’ Victrola? I ran it over with my Datsun.

Then I finally put on this Herbie Hancock record. And it’s okay. Nothing special. But nothing egregious. Of all the sorry candidates here, this one graded out the best on my charts, which painstakingly evaluate each album based on Technique, Non-Offensiveness, Anti-Union Bias, Potential Appeal To Polynesian Immigrants (who I do not care for), and Timekeeping. You won’t find a more thorough and correct grading system.

Then I go check the mail. And lo and behold, what should arrive but a case of Flying Goat Cellars Pinot Noir, courtesy of Herbie himself! So I go and check the box and send it on its way. I even played one more song on the record to return the favor. Didn’t care for it. Those Joni Mitchell melodies still sounded awfully appealing to border-crossers. But hey, good wine is good wine!

Now where did I put my cabbage boots?

44 comments:

Gourmet Spud said...

Not to mention that Dr. Z was there when Herbie signed the Declaration of Indepedence.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Now in those days, nickels had pictures of bees on them. "Gimme 5 bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Otto Man said...

Dear Mr. President,

There are too many states these days. Please eliminate three.

P.S. I am not a crank.

Pemulis said...

he was pretty dead on with his review of the new foo fighters though

Narts said...

Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts, boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.

naptown drew said...

It's a Graduation, bitches. I'm down with QOTSA, and say what you want about Kanye; but the man can make some quality music.

Pemulis said...

The wife hit me because I called Kanye a pussy after this exchange:

"What the hell is shorn into his head?"

"I think it says Mama"

"Hmmm... Might as well say 'homo' or 'pussy'"

"she just died!!!"

"I stand by it"

Was also hit when i kept calling mr. bocelli rude for not having the decency to open his eyes while performing on national television

Captain Caveman said...

/wears onion on belt

Grimey said...

You have to admit though, it's more fun when Kanye loses Grammys... or any other award for that matter

Junker23 said...

Someone else has actually heard Era Vulgaris? There are some real quality songs on that album.

MicroscopicElvis said...

Thank you - it's a testament to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt can regain your trust.

Suss said...

This shit is yellow fatty beans

Y-E-L-L-O-W-F-A-T-T-Y-B-E-A-N-S

quiet strength said...

Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.

Ben said...

Amy Winehouse is overrated and not even that good or original. There I said it.

larry b said...

The content and style are both 100% accurate, but the structure is way too coherent. Since when can Dr. Z write about the same topic for 11 straight paragraphs?

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few.

Upstate Underdog said...

@pemulis, give Bocelli a break he has a girls name and I hope he had the decency to sing in American.

Thanks Grammys for letting me know Herbie Hancock is still alive. I thought he was dead.

Comicbook Guy said...

"Why can’t these young Negroes be more like Gene Pitney?"

laughed so loud, now my boss wants to know whats so funny, Thanks a lot.

JAMMQ said...

My favortie Adlai Stevenson number is "Appeasement Is Our Friend" off of the Speeches From The U.N. Collection, Vol. I.

fallex said...

And what's the deal with Latin Grammy's? Half of those people aren't even Roman.

Otto Man said...

Dear Advertisers,

I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again.

Number one: Bra.
Number two: Horny.
Number three: Family Jewels.

Otto Man said...

You never know what you're capable of.

I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.

the great bambi said...

no mention about how [insert artist's name here] doesn't deserve a grammy because all his/her songs were 3:00 ditties with no signature balla?

The Lazer said...

I met herbie in 19digity8. We had to say digity since the Kaiser had stolen the word 20. I chased that rascal all over siam, but never got him... anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, stay in school.

the great bambi said...

*ballad, not balla

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

You gonna set my country music award on fire?

quiet strength said...

I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Düsseldorf so I rode out the rest of the war posing as a German cabaret singer.

Pemulis said...

Ach! Das ist not ein boobie!

J.L. White said...

If I had a voice like Kanye's, I'd talk-sing EVERYTHING!

Otto Man said...

When I read your magazine, I don't see one wrinkled face or single toothless grin. For shame!

To the sickos at "Modern Bride" magazine.

liquid_d said...

To be fair, Amy Winehouse does suck/may be a man.

"I'm only rotting on the right side!"

DC said...

The Grammy's are so awful. Hollywood hijacked that shit a long time ago, all it does is celebrate the same pop bullshit. Almost no QOTSA, one mention of the Shins, no Modest Mouse, no Hives, no Ted Leo, oh but The White Stripes somehow get best alternative album...

Pemulis said...

I'm just shocked Panda Bear's "Person Pitch" wasn't even nominated for album of the year, nor was Eluvium's "Copia".

SonOfSpam said...

Any truth to the rumor that Dr. Z was erect when Andy Williams was on stage?

Leaking Geek said...

Potential Appeal To Polynesian Immigrants (who I do not care for)

Hines Ward does NOT approve of this message.

Frucking Plick!

Michael Beckwith said...

Great post.

Seriously, how the fuck is a cover album able to win that award? Yes, I know that's like bitching about the Pro Bowl...neither mean shit.

Leaking Geek said...

@Pemulis:

I had to ask my wife what the hell he had etched in his head.

She said MAMA...

I said he must have had someone do that for him he would have misspelled it.

SlideShow Bob said...

DR. Z HATES BLACK PEOPLE!!!

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Fear not music fans. Whenever music is "honored" by the good, clean folks that run the Grammy's you know you shouldn't be listening to said music.

Think about it. Would QOTSA and TOOL be that great if their music actually appealed to old white people? Furthermore, is Kanye West really that good if he does? eh? EH? Yeah, you know I'm right.

paxil pete said...

....all that crazy music sounded like so much nonsensical grinding noise no matter what disc I inserted into my trusty Edison Phonograph Player. Afterwards, I slapped in my favorite Al Jolson cylinder and put my ear right up to the speaker horn.

splo said...

Z don't hate black people.
Stop being silly.
Only inauthentic part was the rascist stuff, otherwise dead-on.

Prefer the King Homoerotica, closer to reality.


PS: bring back the Family Circus

Tom Holzerman said...

...I wrote the Iggy

Jim said...

The story of the Simpson family began in the Old Country. I forget which one exactly.

bfreakin3 said...

Aside from age, I would have to guess Dr. Z's other shared trait with Mr. Burns is that neither have forgiven their respective mother for their affair with President Taft.

I have to say, as much as I like Hines Ward's legural misadventules (/stereotypical chinaman's english speak), I think bitter old man speak may be my favorite on this whole site. Bravo.