Monday, February 4, 2008

Just A Quick Reminder To The Patriots: F—k You


Well, it’s the end of the day and I’m so very sad. Because it’s been such a pleasure to wallow in the misery of the Patriots and their fans. Seriously. You people earned it. You got fucked. I’m so very, very pleased for your loss.

And so, to close out this historic day of hateration, we dole out a final round of hearty and oh-so-sincere FUCK YOUS to the Patriots and everyone associated with them.

Yes, FUCK YOU, Bob Kraft. Model franchise, my ass. Why don’t you go have a glass of water to clear out the frog that’s been in your throat for the past 60 fucking years.

FUCK YOU to Bill Belichick. You know what’s even nicer than that fact you lost, you fucking shit stain? The fact that you might also lose your fucking job. Isn’t that lovely? Not only did you lose a game, but you also stand to lose your livelihood, your reputation, and your legacy. I, for one, am extremely excited for you to grow a beard, move to Iceland, and become an anti-semite. Cockbag.

FUCK YOU to the Patriots fans out there. “This one hurts!” “This one stings!” Awww, you poor things! You had to suffer through ONE loss all year! Oh no! HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN! You may never recover! If only I could do something to console you. Oh, I know.

/whips out dick

Choke on it.

FUCK YOU, as always, to Bill Simmons. Here, I rewrote your article today so that it was even closer to your own voice:

“When the final seconds ticked down on Super Bowl XLII, I and presumably the rest of Boston had but one thought: REGGIE LEWIS.”

Suck it. No Tom Brady soiree for you, dipshit. Just an awkward conversation with Ufford and big helping of shut the fuck up.

FUCK YOU to Patriot players who invited Giant players to their celebration parties AS THEY WERE GETTING THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM DURING THE GAME. Well done, jackasses. No egos in that locker room!

FUCK YOU, Mitt Romney. You're a loser, too.

FUCK YOU to Jim Nantz. Your favorite team lost, you white asshole.

FUCK YOU to Tedi Bruschi, seen here getting the famous “Umenyiora Chaser”.


FUCK YOU to the Pats’ o-line and their playoff beards. Go play hockey or work in Chelsea love dungeon, you hairy-assed fat fucks.

FUCK YOU to Randy Moss. Disappearing in a big game against the Giants? Hey, thanks for the flashback to 2000, you dick. I hope the charges stick this time.

FUCK YOU to the Patriot Way. “Oh, we’re not like other franchises! We’re selfless! We’re all about the team! All we care about is winning! We invented teamwork! No other team has better chemistry! WE HAVE A CULTURE! WE’RE SPECIAL AND WAY BETTER THAN YOU!” Die.

FUCK YOU to all the Pats fans who talked about how getting caught in some malfeasance - cheating, beating up women, taking steroids - only made the team better. "We draw power from our ability to break rules!" Guzzle cock, fucktasters.

FUCK YOU to Matt Walsh. Guess what I taped last night? Me punching your children.

FUCK YOU to the Pats equipment manager. I dunno who you are, but I fucking hate you.

FUCK YOU to Koolaid Maroney. That’s what you get for denying the existence of construda.

FUCK YOU to your Amstel Light. Shit probably tastes great right now, huh?

FUCK YOU to WELKAHHHHH.

FUCK YOU to any children who root for the Patriots. I hope your peers shun you in middle school.

FUCK THIS BABY.


And if there's anyone else I forgot, kindly go and get fucked. You lost. Forever. Enjoy the offseason, you losers.

81 comments:

Ben said...

"I hope the charges stick this time."

WIN. +1's all around this post.

throwbot said...

Today was easily the greatest day in KSK history. Fucking A++ performance.

matt said...

Vigo from Ghostbusters 2 would have a field day with all the hate going around today.

Wolverine said...

You sure that's not construda that bruschi is drowning in?

Man Bear Pig said...

I know its wrong to so thoroughly enjoy another team's misery so much, but why does it feel so RIGHT?

Jeff K said...

Hilarious. Fucking hilarious.

Well done all around, guys. The last few months you've been fantastic.

Shit--I just realized it's the offseason now.

Jim U. said...

Quick question to KSK: why don't you put "Fuck" or "Shit" in your title posts? It would seem natural to do so.

Big Tex said...

may i add: fuck you belichicks shiny new red sweatshirt. in HD you burned my fucking retinas.

Magglio said...

We love your blog, but next time you blatantly rip of our ideas for a post at least give us credit.

http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/2008/01/fuck-you-by-magglio-and-jericho.html

SonOfSpam said...

This post was like H2 (the next generation of Haterade). And it went down smoove.

WI Browns Fan said...

"Guess what I taped last night? Me punching your children."

I am not above shamelessly stealing this phrase and using it everyday, in every situation. Absolutely brilliant.

TuckPendleton said...

Bobby Fisher approves of your hatred.

Lester8 said...

Drew - love your blog, but as a Pats fan I have one response:

FUCK YOU!

Don't be bitter because your team still hasn't won one yet.

Barry.Petchesky said...

Hey Magglio, next time you blatantly rip off 25th hour, at least give them credit.

newenglandrules said...

wow..fing impressive rant and rave, esp liked the baby....dont forget asswipe that at the end of the day we new englanders look down on all you riff raff and laugh...we were here first and will always...always rule....even when we lose we win....choke on that eldouche bag!!!

Rocky Top said...

Touché, Barry. Touché.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

+1 Barry.

Careful, Magglio. Drew will destroy you.

platkat said...

FUCK YOU, um... damn dude, you covered everyone! Thanks!

JAMMQ said...

I didn't know "FUCK YOU" rants were invented within the past two weeks and now had copyright protection.

Guess that was filed at the same time "19-0" got trademarked . . .

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'd like to add one:

Fuck you, New England Media, for endlessly and gleefully perpetuating the notion that New England was in some way "entitled" to victory this season simply because of who they are rather than valuing the inherent suspense and competition in a true athletic contest. You write about sports without ever actually writing about sports, and you encourage fans to become self-righteous dipshits with entitlement complexes rather than true sports fans. You turned what used to be a small and long-suffering, but still loyal fan base into a gang of shouting hooligans who needed dozens of policemen in full-on riot gear just to clear out the bar I was in last night safely. (Times "Yankees Suck" cheers were started: 6. Times "Let's Go Pats" cheers were started: 0.) The only angle you played all season was the "perfection" angle, and when that angle got blown you crucified Brady in the dailies and STILL found a million ways to cheapen the Giants victory (which was, all said and done, a thrilling and well-earned win). Stop cheapening the things I love. Stop making us deserve defeat.

Fuck you.



[Hoooooo boy I needed to get that off my chest.]

wrecking_ball said...

Well, that post more or less sums up my feelings. Now for the Sawx to get theirs.

Squatch said...

I think Tool also wants their RIAA mandated cut.

Tracer Bullet said...

Man. That there is some epic hate. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Slash said...

A classic rant. I esp. liked this:

HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN! You may never recover!

Awesome. I know people really get into this shit (meaning "sports"), but to hear people react to their team's loss as if they just got a diagnosis of cancer is more than I can tolerate with good humor. Patriots fans, you're allowed to be bummed today (within reason and the boundaries of good sportsmanship), but by tomorrow, you are hereby invited to man up and get on with your lives.

Leaking Geek said...

@FutureMrs:

AMEN Sister! Testify!

Also, Pure Gold BDD.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I should add that going and getting fucked sounds like a simply smashing idea for chasing away that football season hangover. I'll get on that.

BEHM777 said...

This one is for us Darkies!

Clutch Is Everything said...

I have a mancrush on Drew

FUCK ALL OF NEW ENGLAND !!!11

Thank you Eli and New York forever !!!

Archimedes said...

+1 ankiel

+50 to "HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN!"

Fucking great post

SlickBomb said...

[[Stands up]]

[[Does a slow clap]]

Do I agree with all of it? No. Is it one of the greatest rants in the history of the Internet? Absolutely!

Cody Pagels said...

I've got one:

Fuck you Magglio for being such a self-fellating cockknob that you actually think you've fucking invented the concept of saying "fuck you" to things. Fuck you for thinking that KSK, a blog that comes up with hilarious pop cultural phenomena on a weekly basis, would troll your shitstain no-nonamer of a blog for ideas. What's next? Are you going to try to start shit with somebody who eats food in the morning for stealing the idea of breakfast from you?

Robert Ullman said...

Well done, Cody...well done. You saved me the trouble.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Quick question to KSK: why don't you put "Fuck" or "Shit" in your title posts? It would seem natural to do so.

A lot of workplace firewalls will automatically block URL's with "fuck" or "shit" in them. Trust me, I wouldn't do it if it didn't serve your best interests.

Tom Holzerman said...

What, no fuck you for Rodney Harrison, the dirtiest steroid-abusing, self-righteous, cocklicking, fromunda cheese sniffing, inferiority-complex perpetuating jizz-sipper in the league?

I'm disappointed.

romolovescock said...

damn, sexy post mrs ankiel.
and the only thing that would have made last nights game better is if carl lewis sang the national anthem.


patriots betta ask somebodddyy

Kevin said...

I'm all for living in the Now and all, but I have to say I can't wait for next season to begin. Every away game the Pats play is going to be a Gloatoberfest-magnitude serving of Schadenfreude.

Kenneth Griggs said...

Brilliant post.

"FUCK YOU, Mitt Romney. You're a loser, too."

Classic.

85 said...

I'm sad to see today end.

But tomorrow they're still 18-1.

And a few days later (God willing), Belichick will be suspended for a year.

Hey Simmons:

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYYYYYY!

Brady's a douchebag said...

+1 Bruschi and Osi post. I can only hope (dream) that you were right. Would serve that self-righteous fuck right if Osi dropped a humongous (yet runny) log on Bruschi.

Magglio said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Magglio said...

KSK –

You have a valid point here. Maybe I overreacted. It’s true that I did not invent saying “fuck you” or eating breakfast. I have however tried to knob my own cock. Who hasn’t? I apologize for insinuating that you trolled our shitstain blog for ideas. However, if you interview Sean Alexander’s vagina any time in the near future, I’ll make this claim again.

Sincerely,
Magglio

http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/
2007/12/candid-interview-with-gal-named-v.html

Upstate Underdog said...

great way to end a great day

JAMMQ said...

. . . if you interview Sean Alexander’s vagina any time in the near future, I’ll make this claim again.

I do know that Captain Caveman has wanted to KICK Shaun Alexander in his vagina many times.

That counts for something.

Big Daddy Drew said...

That's Maurice Morris who has the vag.

Uncle JR said...

You forgot a giant Fuck You! to ESPN! Jeebus it was ALL I fucking heard for the entire season.

And the closer those cheating cumstains got to going perfect, the more was forgotten about their history of cheating.

Or has everybody forgotten about calling in the fucking snow removal guy so the Pats could attempt a field goal from a clear spot?

Fuckwits! Hope next year it's 0-16!

BeckEye said...

You've just made blogging history. This is the first time the words "fucktasters" and "cockbag" have been used within the same post, along with a reference to punching someone's children. Bravo.

Gern said...

That game yesterday was absolutely horrible to watch until the last 8 minutes or so. The Giants get all the credit, but 14 points for the Pats? What a joke. Good for more than a few laughs.

BEHM777 said...

Brady and Moss pull out of the Pro Bowl. Gee, I wonder why?

Ray said...

@beckeye - You clearly don't read the Home & Garden Network blog.

ben said...

Ah, Mitt Romney. "Vote for me! I'm like a handsomer Bill Lumbergh!"

Oh, and magglio - I just invented this thing called the middle finger. Check it out.

I kid, I kid. But seriously, check it out.

the great bambi said...

whoa whoa whoa newenglandrules

you were here first? where? there have been a couple pre-super bowl era teams that were perfect in the regular season to lose in the championship, 72 dolphins were perfect and actually won their super bowl so you weren't first there, but your post seems to be in general about new england being there first so i'm guessing you mean in america in general in which case again, surprisingly, you are wrong, 1607-English settle jamestown; 1620-puritans get lost trying to get to virginia and form Massachusetts, showing massholes have always been fucking morons and you continue the grand tradition

and you lost and there's no winning in it, you lost, you choked, you're the 2004 yankees, enjoy that for the next 7 months


i actually have work and can't get my haterade out til late...

Chamomiles Davis said...

There was actually a douchebag on one of the Boston newspaper forums who responded to a Giants fan's gloating by telling him "get back to us when you've won three SB rings."

Hey, shitwit, they HAVE won three Super Bowls. And it only took them four tries to do it!

Of course, I keep forgetting that for some New England fans, the Super Bowl didn't exist until 2002.

Otto Man said...

You know, the more I look at that baby, the more I'm convinced he's an asshole.

You got some attitude, you little midget Bruschi.

lanceoceanside said...

I need to put my two cents in. This days not over yet.

FUCK YOU to your stupid fucking annoying U2 gay fucking elevation song. If I have to hear that again I'll pluck my fucking ear drums out with a rusty fork. ELEVATION EWWW EWWW EEEWWW EWWWW yeah you fucking lost! Uno Dos Tres Massdouchey!!!!!

FUCK YOU Dropkick Murphys!! You're fucking annoying also.

CCO said...

No "Umenyiora Chaser" tag?!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Fuck you Chris Berman for saying Jesus 25 times while being a prick to the camera crew. And for picking the Pats.

Brown lovin' dradle boy...

MartinTheMerciless said...

Caesar would call it erotic asphyxia.

WE SAW.

YOU CHOKED.

WE CAME.

(I know - i know, there is a big debate over the past tense of cum. But, if you do it right, you're not tense anymore:)->-'-<

furrer4heisman said...

@magglio, @big daddy drew:

You both ripped off Tupac, so its a wash.

Pale Writer said...

@FutureMrs:

In all honesty, your post summed up why I've stopped loving sports as much as I used to. At some point (probably around ESPN's never-ending coverage of the Red Sox vs. the Yankees) sports became about the fans. Not for the fans, mind you, about the fans. I miss being able to go to a game with my dad without having to listen to the self-absorbed assholes in my section.

I'm sorry that was serious. Fuck me, you serious twat.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I hope Peter King's daughter reads this and giggles...

One tiny critique:
I, for one, am extremely excited for you to grow a beard, move to Iceland, and become an anti-semite.

I get the Bobby Fischer nod, but come on... becomes? Me thinks Bills been hating the Maj's tribe for some time now.

larry b said...

Although they never utilized him on Sunday (that I remember), I'm putting in a request for a Siragusa post. Something like "WOW! Look at all the camera flashes! Now my eyes hurt!" but actually funny. That would be great if one of you could get around to that, mmmmmk, thanks

H Cuz said...

No FUCK YOU for Brady? Or is that assumed?

J.L. White said...

Ned: And as for you, I don't know you, but FUCK YOU!

Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?

(Pats fans should also get the University of Minnesota Spankalogical Protocol, to cure them of their inherent douche-ness.)

Wooderson said...

Normally, I'd be really pissed that you went off on my team, my home, etc. in that manner.

But then I remembered Tarvaris Jackson is your QB, so instead, I'll just offer you some pity.

There, there. It'll be ok.

Gerald Fnord said...

On behalf of the eight million or so New Englanders who are not from Massholechusetts, let me just say one thing:

You folks out there may think you hate Massholes, but you don't hate them like we do. You can't, because as much as they annoy the shit out of you, you don't have to live right next to them. They don't flood your state every goddamn weekend in a rolling tide of boiling toxic douchebaggery.

Sure, I'm upset the Patriots lost. But if there's a silver lining to all this, it's the happy knowledge that, sometime in the wee hours after the Superbowl, Tawmmy from Quinzee went out into his garage, cranked up some Whitesnake, downed half a case of Sammy, and hung himself with the fan belt from his rusted-out '87 Camaro.

naptown drew said...

FUCK YOU to the dude with the Patriots helmet tatooed to his head...

Well, at least that'll be what he hears from every potential employer he ever meets for the rest of his life.

Hustler of Culture said...

This post is my new Bible

Tonzi said...

So, when's the "/whips out dick" t-shirt coming out?

fallex said...

@tonzi:
In that case, actions truly speak louder than words.

Wormfather said...

I hate to be the dick that puts in the 70th comment but this must be seen.

http://www.thejetsblog.com/?p=3364

There's a link in the artical that goes to a news report about bars putting paper on the windows so the Pats fans could cry in peace.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAAAAAAAAAA!

Nazz Nomad said...

"Guzzle cock, fucktasters."

now, that's poetry.

Jacob said...

This post is the best thing on the whole. f-king. Internet.

J.P. MacGregor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.P. MacGregor said...

Fuck you to the Pats fan flipping the birds behind Jimmy Johnson during the postgame show. Just in case anyone started to pity you, it was a timely reminder of how classy your bandwagon is. Putting out your own eyes with them would have been a better use. Choke on your cockswabbing, douche.

Jstone said...

newenglandrules said...

"wow..fing impressive rant and rave, esp liked the baby....dont forget asswipe that at the end of the day we new englanders look down on all you riff raff and laugh...we were here first and will always...always rule....even when we lose we win....choke on that eldouche bag!!!"

what do you mean you were here first? Jamestown VA is the oldest town in America. All the more reason New England can suck a cock, they all flunked history.

Kazz said...

what should have been a historic season was ruined by what incredible twats the Boston fanbase is composed of. i was upset at the time, but i can't help but be glad that the Giants won, because everybody around here needed to shut the fuck up.

Otto Man said...

"we were here first and will always...always rule...."

Thanks for the input, Chief Head Up His Ass.

bob said...

It's not the off season, its just the beginning of baseball season. Fuck the yankees.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Massengills are twats!

18-1!

The Bestest said...

wow almost peed my pants when reading "FUCK THIS BABY" in all caps.

You forgot to fuck the dirtiest and most classless player in the NFL, yeah thats right, one Rodney Harrison...I guess you spared fucking him b/c his sole greedy actions of trying to intercept the "GIANT catch" instead of knocking it down lost the game for his team.

Every time Harrison made a tackle or was near a tackle, he started jabbering his meathole.
FUCK RODNEY HARRISON

GeauxSaints said...

Thank you to Mike Silver from Yahoo Sports. If he wouldn't have left a link on his last article to learn about construda, I never would have found KSK. I am officially addicted. Now let's say it together, "1,2,3, FUCK THE PATRIOTS!!!