Straight From the 'Lard

Jeweler: Oh, hiiiiiiiiiii! Anything I can interest you in today? We've got a great selection of pieces in for the holiday. Some lovely diamond pendants, diamond solitaire earrings and an assortment of gleaming shiny rocks that women would do unspeakable things for. Let me know if you need to look at something.

Husband: Yeah, you know, trying to pick out the Valentine's gift. Gotta say: I'm looking for something a little away from the tried-and-true ordinary diamond and gold thing.

Jeweler: All right. Okay. So you're cheap. We have just the thing.

Jeweler: We call this "The Tesoro." It's a garnet pedant with superb detailing of the ventricles and the ateries. Me? I would to get one of these from my boyfriend. The symbolic connection with the heart and Valentine's Day is, like, so strong, y'know. And for a mere $849.99, it's practically a steal.

Husband: Hmmm. I don't know.

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaaayyyyy!

Jeweler: Oh, hiiiiiiii! Did I hear you correctly? Are you looking to pop the question to that certain somebody? Well, I can -

[Rivers throws shopping bag, which wafts in the air for 30 seconds then falls two feet in front of him, spilling the contents onto the floor]

Rivers: NO GODDAMIT! LIKE FELLOW HENPECKED HUBBY OVER HERE [slaps him on back], I'M LOOKING FOR A GLEAMING FUCKING BLOW JOB BAUBLE THAT'LL MAKE MY NORMALLY PRUDISH WIFE BREAK OUT THE FREAK NASTY SAUCE! SEE FOR YOURSELF!

[Takes photo out of wallet, shoves it in her face]

That's Jerri Blank, I mean, my non-football playing half, Tiffany. Think her libido belies her dead-eyed Laura Bush gaze? Helllllllll no. Sure, she looks like my slutty Persian nanny, but she's only as loose as an old British nanny. That's what I get for getting hitched with my high school sweetheart. Why else do you think I keep up this public celibacy stuff. There can't be no fun if Laserface don't get none.

Of course, if LaKneeInjury hadn't bailed on me in the conference title game, I'd be swimming in wifey poon right now with a Super Bowl ring. You see how beatable those Patriots were? DID YOU? THEY WERE! I HAD THEM! FUCK YOU!

If I had half a ligament and some willing teammates, it could've been the real superstar QB pulling the upset of the century, instead of Eli going back to his hotel room to suck face with his Pillow Pal in celebration.

Now I have to make the golden sacrifice to the pussy gods.

Jeweler: Oooookay. Well. We do have some fine pieces for your wife. Let's start with the "Perno dei Vestiti."

Here we've got twin 14 carat gold pin earrings with an inlaid diamond at the center, perfect for reminding your special someone of her wifely, distaff, domestic duties. Women love that! I know if my boyfriend bought me one, I'd totally fall for him all over again. What a considerable return for a small fifteen hundred dollar outlay.

Rivers: Yeah, uh-huh, she's married to an NFL quarterback. That bitch don't do laundry, or cook, or stay off the phone with her stupid friends or keep her weight down or GIVE THE ME THE PROPER RELEASE I REQUIRE!

Jeweler: Not so hot on the Perno, huh? Okay, let's move onto the "Dolore."

Look at the craftsmanship on those tiny embedded spikes. You're sure to get a reaction from her from you slip that on her finger. And I want to point out that the spikes are diamond-tipped, to ensure greater sharpness. As a woman, that's something I'd like to know. And, of course, we only accept non-conflict diamonds due to the -

Rivers: Are you fucking kidding me? What's the point, then? I wanna know that some African kid suffered to get that shit! If Tiffany can't wear it knowing that someone endured unspeakable hardship and possible physical mutilation for her material gain, I might as well slip an onion ring on her fattening digits. That's why we only go to places that only sell Shaq Trade Coffee. We need to constantly reaffirm our dominant status.

Jeweler: Well, I can see you're a tough sell. Or should I say your wife is! [forced laughter] Now, I'm not supposed to show this to aaaaall our customers, but for you, I'm willing to make an exception.

It's the championship ring for the 1979 Pittsburgh Steelers, in pristine condition after being ripped from the lifeless, homeless corpse of former center-turned-trainwreck Mike Webster. The four diamonds symbolize the fourth world championship that the team had won. Now, I know what you don't play for Pittsburgh...

[Rivers swipes it from her hand, slams money clip on counter]

Rivers: WWWWWOOOOOO! LIKE SHE CAN TELL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE! SHE THINKS FOOTBALL INVOLVES JETSKIS! YAAAAAAA! I FINALLY GOT ONE! THINK YOU'RE SO HOT, BEN AND ELI? CLASS OF '04 DRAFT, MY HAIRY, THROBBING COCK! I GOT ONE NOW TOO, ASSHOLES! TIME TO SIRE A FEW MORE DAUGHTERS!