Monday, June 25, 2007

KSK Travel Guide:
The 10 Best US Cities To Masturbate

Travel season is here, and that means shelling out lots of cash for you and your significant other to spend a week someplace insignificant (really, you can sleep 'til noon anywhere), spending your day doing mundane crap that might look like fun, I guess, if you're some 40-year-dipshit that lives within the glossy confines of some pamphlet photograph. And after a week of all that, you'll be lucky to get one night of sex out of the ordeal. Who calls that a vacation?

Suppose you just want to blow town for a weekend, possibly because you're not getting blown yourself? Why go through the trouble of bringing someone along when, at the end of the day, you're just waiting for them to go to sleep so you can jerk off in peace? Where's the time for ménage à moi? Shouldn't that be the focus of your hard-earned hiatus?

Well, now it can be. Pack your bags, book your ticket, and tell that ungrateful little tramp that you're flying with Han Solo this summer. Once again, we've got you covered, as your compadres in hand present to you The 10 Best US Cities To Masturbate.

1. Fort Lonesome, Florida

History is rich in Fort Lonesome, where the villiagers' ancestors did battle with the Spanish, led by the famed commander Wild Tyler Johnson. As you wander these ancient grounds, prepare yourself for some hand-to-gland combat when you visit the Seminole War re-enactment past the old mill near Booger Man's corner. Stop by the locals' favorite seaside diner, Sailor Ned's, for a heaping bowl of homemade chowder. Work at your own speed as you enjoy the long rows of shops and get a taste of the town's favorite dessert, Fingers and Cream. Before the day is out, cap your night with a pale ale at Willie's Pub. If you're up for a quick visit, engage in a dishonorable discharge in the handicapped stall of the men's room, and then work up a foamy lather in their newly remodeled sinks!

2. Dry Prong, Louisiana

Explore the wilderness in the Deep South in this old town that was held in the palm of Union hands through much of the Civil War. Butter your corn as you dine in a private booth at Diamond's Grill in the renovated Schnack's Warehouse, where the chicken is choked twice each day (they even churn their own butter!). Stroll through the town square to the back of City Hall and meet Mr. Stickeykeys, the only mayor of Dry Prong since 1988. Spend your twilight enjoying the Longleaf Pine forests and drive past the nearby hardwoods entering Alexandria. She loves an audience.


3. Come by Chance, Newfoundland

Located on the Avalon Peninsula, Come by Chance exports more fish from its shores than half the eastern seaboard. Which half? We don't know. Watch as local villagers drill for oil near the North Atlantic Refining Company, which can handle 115,000 barrels in a single day, and doesn't employ women under 50. Due to the rich fishing economy, seafood has been banned from the Avalon Peninsula since the 1950s, but find yourself still within reach of maritime necessities, such as dolphin wax and two-toned trout sauce, at the local Purple General Store. All this and more makes Come by Chance one of the 10 best US cities to masturbate!

4. Left Hand, West Virginia

Shooting north of the Bible Belt, this West Virginia village boasts one of the most devoutly religious populations of the Midwest. At nearby Ohio Valley University, students are required to wrestle a stiff load that includes one Bible class each semester. Bishop Thomas, the faculty president, challenges the incoming students each year to his annual armwrestling copmetition, held discretely in the confines of his office, to see if the young ones have what it takes to "beat the Bishop." The spring semester is concluded when the student body performes its traditional performance of "Much Goo About Nothing."

5. Blue Ball, Pennsylvania.

Just a toss from Left Hand sits another must-see destination along the southern Pennsylvania border. As you stroll through this Amish town, you may find yourself in the back of one of the open furniture warehouses, varnishing the banister. Good deals can be reached on these custom-built crafts if you can find a shop that happens to be liquidating its inventory (you may have to exercise the negotiator to get the best deal, those Amish can be quite stingy). Make a trip during the holiday season and you could be spending your Christmas bonus on a brand new hand-made one-person love seat, just for you.

Rounding out the top ten:

Dripping Springs, Texas; Last Chance, Colorado; Protection, Kansas; Hell, Michigan; and Man I Love Jerking Off, North Carolina.


51 comments:

Burnsy said...

Brady Quinn, blah, blah, blah.

Bloof said...

WHo needs to go on a trip? I just close my eyes.

HOT MASTUBATIONS TIP: Tie sugical tubing around your working arm until it falls asleep. Then when you grap yourself, it's like, "oooooh, straaanger."


Should it be a coincidence my word verification is "mejiz?"

Wormfather said...

The only thing worse than jacking off is haing some girl try to do it for you. Everytime they start, I'm like if that's where this is heading you should just see your self to the door, I can be done here in 90 seconds.

TMI?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm not sure we ever need to post again. Punter just blew the doors off the site.

BeaverFever said...

i'm having trouble locating "man i love lerking off, nc" on the map.

Otto Man said...
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Otto Man said...

That's a thing of beauty, MMP.

But what about Crusty Knuckle Mountain?

In the appropriately-named city of Jacksonville?

In the state known as "America's Wang"?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm confused. Should I bring my Players-With-Yourself Club card on the trip or not?

Otto Man said...

As long as I'm leading a back-to-nature movement, I should recommend Spanking Stump Trail as well.

Awful Chief said...

How long does it take to get to Climax, MI from South Bend, IN?

BeaverFever said...

honoarbale mention: Pounding Mill, VA, also known as "pound town"

Ken Dynamo said...

this post was exploding with jagov puns. i feel like i've been plastered with jokes.

Shoopmonster said...

Wow, just wow.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I bet Kool Aid has visited a number of these cities.

My Insignificant Life said...

Just missing out on the Top 10 is Hoopston, IL - home of the 'Cornjerkers'.

http://www.hoopeston.org/

BeaverFever said...
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BeaverFever said...

btw, just noticed my butchering of the word honorable.

@bloof, if you don't have any surgical tubing handy, just sit on you hand until it goes numb.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

What about Branson, Missouri?

I'm serious.

Raskolnikov said...

How can Left Hand, PA be in the top ten when zippers are banned?

LadyAndrea said...

Man....I love jerking off North Carolina too.

And my word verification is: orgrmyaz. Nice.

Weed Against Speed said...

I'm confused. Should I bring my Players-With-Yourself Club card on the trip or not?

Telly Savalas says don't leave home without it.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Also a cardmember? Rick Majerus.

BeaverFever said...

pee wee herman, a definite card member

Weed Against Speed said...

Drew - just because it's a classic:

Just flash the card, and you'll get the kind of perks reserved for players only!

Like unlimited Kleenex! I'm talking two-ply, baby!

Custom-made squeak-free beds, and extra-large "Do Not Disturb" signs.

Plus: access to an international library of skin magazines, and all the latest videotapes cued up to the good parts, baby! 'Cause players don't have time to fast-forward!

Casual T said...

@Lady Andrea

I'm from NC...should I make an appointment?

We also have Climax, Horneytown, and when you're done...Winston-Salem

Otto Man said...

"Homer, we've got a lot of towns to hit -- Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid..."

MDZ said...

No Big Bone Lick State Park in KY?

BigRicks said...

hand to gland combat is, by far, my favorite phrase for anything, ever.

BigRicks said...

Also, did anyone point out that Newfoundland isn't in the US? Would this disqualify it from being a a place in the US to masturbate? Is Canada really just an extension of the US?

Time to go buff the ol' spartan helmet

BeaverFever said...

we have beaver island state park here in NY

the butler said...

Tennessee feels left out and offers one for the ladies -

Finger, TN

My Insignificant Life said...

French Lick, Indiana should receive an honorable mention

Otto Man said...

The freaks who'd rather watch someone else jerk off should go to the Onan Observatory in Minnesota.

bvllets said...

Skip the HJ and go to Intercourse, PA.

Rob I said...

Berea, OH

Oh, best cities? Whoops.

mlmintampa said...

I've been to Fort Lonesome. And the only cool thing to do there is jack it.

Sheriff Gonna Getcha said...

A couple Canadian honorable mentions that I'm aware of: Balzac, Alberta and Tillicum Lake, Alberta. If we are counting Canada as an extension of the U.S, I nominate Tillicum Lake for Top 10 candidacy.

John Sharkey, Esq. said...

Awesome! At Amazon, you can get the book along with a subscription to Men's Health for only $25.88!

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Wow...I literally lived 20 minutes from Left Hand WV for 3 years, but never knew it existed until this day. Punter's use of Google Maps is double true.

Don't You Judge Me said...

how about Surprise, AZ? as in what you say when you shoot it in the hotel maid's eye when she walks in on you?

FFJewbacca said...

Not to quiblle too much as this is one of the best (and most useful) lists ever on the web, i would nominate Bird-In-Hand, PA as a top-ten destination. It's not far from Blue Ball, Intercourse and Paradise, PA.

Wes said...

Don't forget Plentywood, Montana.

And if you have a masochistic streak, Gnaw Bone, Indiana.

WF

chunk said...

If you're into that kind of thing - Tickle Butt Hill, IN

IanLozada said...

When did we let Newfoundland into the United States? Don't we have a Border Patrol to keep these things from happening?

Big Daddy Drew said...

If it were a good town for jackin' it, wouldn't it be called Come by Design?

Otto Man said...

Good point. Come by Chance sounds like the hometown for nocturnal emissions.

Babydaddy said...
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Babydaddy said...

Note--Blue Ball is not that far from Brownstown. I've been wanting to visit Brownstown but my wife won't let me. Maybe for my birthday?

My Hero Zero said...

Sadly, it'll all end in tears in Disappointment, Kentucky.

jeff2 said...

I believe the mayor of Last Chance is former Yankee pitcher Steve Howe.

fatty said...

Another honorable mention for PA, following Otto Man's outdoor theme, Blue Knob State Park - you know, if you're into the exhibitionist thing.