Friday, June 8, 2007

This Week's KSK Commenter Draft: People You Would Have Liked To Be Your Graduation Speaker


Brian Billick was a graduation speaker at Johns Hopkins recently. There he imparted some might fine words of wisdom on the graduatiing class.

"In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed," Billick said from the lectern at Hopkins' lacrosse field. "Be that pig."

Yes, The Bri is a master of metaphors. In the breakfast of life, you should be the fatty, salty mud-dweller who gets brutally slaughtered for the enjoyment of others. Ray Lewis can assist you if you're having problems butchering yourself.

Commencement ceremonies are godawful. Mine, like all of them, took place on a 95 degree day and lasted eight hours while I nursed an absolutely brutal hangover. During senior week I got so drunk one night I passed out in the middle of a street in Portland, Maine. When I asked my friend the next morning how I got back to campus, all he said was, "I'm gonna fucking kill you." He's not really my friend anymore.

Our graduation speaker was Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. BORING. I don't remember a goddamn word he said. Just another fucking lawyer. But I know who I wish we'd gotten.


Fucking Harvard gets all the best speakers. Snobby little bitches.

Will Ferrell is my number one pick for this draft. The rules: Pick one speaker only, then wait ten choices until you make another. This can be a speaker from any point in history, and I offer you bonus points for sincerity. Also, if you're late to the draft, TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. Don't be one of those assholes who's like, "Oh, I'm late. I'll just take five people!" You're gay if you do that.

UPDATE IN BOLD: NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

349 comments:

John said...

Stuart Scott.

Bonus: He actually spoke at my graduation and only spoke for about 15 minutes. No hour-long BS session for me.

flubby said...

HST

Wormfather said...

WTF, I'll take Big Daddy Drew...given that alotment of time, only god know's what will come out of your mouth.

3000 said...

Jim Abrams (of Abrams/Zucker bros.)

1. He actually graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and

2. I actually saw him give a talk (during the 1st annual Wisconsin Film Festival) so I can attest to the fact that he can kill it.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Can we ban John for that pick?

That's What She Said said...

Big Daddy Drew.

Dick, bukkake and poop jokes, what else would you need in a speech.

Wormfather said...

@BDD, naaa, that pick was cool like the other side of the pillow.

/sarcasm

Jonathan Judkowitz said...

I gotta take Kevin Smith to start.

flubby said...

Billick lifted that line out of "The Cereal is the Prize".

Big Daddy Drew said...

Kevin Smith is a fucking great pick.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves for picking me. I'm borderline retarded.

Josh said...

any point in history, eh?

Mark Twain woulda fucking brought it.

Yossarian said...

Otto Man - because it's his birthday!

Jackin'4Beats said...

I also agree on the Kevin Smith pick, so I'll have to go with Steve Carrell with my 1st pick. If I'm gonna lose 20 pounds sweating to death under that gown, then I'd better be entertained.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!

Burnsy said...

Scarlett Johansson. It would mean she was in the same room as me. Restraining orders be damned.

Wormfather said...

For my second pick, i'm going with M.C. Hammer, man o man can he give a speach about not fuckign up your life.

Big Daddy Drew said...

wormfather, you didn't wait 10 picks.

Now you gotta wait 20.

Brother Joshua said...

pontius pilate. that dude really knew how to win over a crowd, huh?

Awful Chief said...

I'll take Charles Bukowski. I'm still a little weirded out by the Stuart Scott pick.

Burnsy said...

There are a lot of Minnesota Vikings in this draft today.

PK said...

Will Rogers

King said...

This is easy...Borat

Christopher said...

If fictional characters were allowed I would go with Alec Baldwin's character from Glengarry Glenross...there's some damn motivation... If not then I would go with Alec Baldwin..."youre all rude little pigs".

BeaverFever said...

my grandfather. he was an immigrant, that served in WW2, opened his own shoe repair shop, and was his own boss his entire life. not to mention he was a good husband and father and grandfather. like a lot of people, he came over here and worked hard and made a nice life for himself on his own.

Rob I said...

Woody Allen

That hilarious little Jew. I'm laughing already.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'll take Bill Cosby now.

But nice Bill Cosby, not the Whitlock-channeling Angry Cosby.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oh Goddammit

NO FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

Bobby said...

I'll take Eddie Izzard. His rambling digressions fit in well with the inevitable hangover..

brad said...

I'll take Richard Pryor. Funny as hell and incredible life experiences.

liquid_d said...

I have to go with a man of trure wit and wisdom...
Harry Carray.
I can only dream of that speech

Burnsy said...

@ beaver

Damnit, I was going to pick your grandfather.

Dave said...

Jesus Christ for my first round pick.

After the graduation ceremony we'd eat loaves and fishes.

McBain said...

Conan O'Brien. Can't believe he fell this far.

Ryan said...

gorbachev actually spoke at my graduation. that was cool, but James Brown woulda been so much cooler. Especially since it was UGA and especially if he was trippin' balls like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCw6r12mKvQ

Burnsy said...

I pick Sienna Miller. You guys get inspired by words, I get inspired by titties. I think we see where the rest of this draft is going for me.

Chopper Dave said...

Shatner!

Rob I said...

Dave, NO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

Burnsy said...

No fictional characters, Dave.

(Struck by lightning)

rand said...

I'm not sure if the rules stated if the person had to be dead or alive, but I would have LOVED to have WC Fields. Pure.comedic.genius.

"A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her."

Burnsy said...

Damnit, Rob. Well played.

Justin Elder said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mamacita said...

David Sedaris

Burnsy said...

I think BDD may choke a bitch today.

Josh said...

The Notorious B.I.G. It would be the flow of the century.

casserolemistake said...

Stephen Colbert. He's not happy about falling this far.

Rob I said...

JFK

Any Kennedy will do because there's something about that fucking New England accent that gets me riled up.

Err uh err uh...

Brian said...

Michael Vick

Michael said...

Rodney Dangerfield

Brother Joshua said...

sarah silverman. she'd be funny and then we could do each other.

Jon Oum said...

Kornheiser and Wilbon. I think its ok that they come as a package deal. I'd also have Marv Albert doing play by play for the ceremony. Man can make anything exciting.
YES!!

Otto Man said...

Damn, missed out on Mark Twain. I'll have to go with his facial hair twin, Kurt Vonnegut.

brad said...

Redd Foxx

Burnsy said...

Erin Andrews. I am cleaning up today.

Happy birthday Otto.

BeaverFever said...

@burnsy, my other grandfather is still on the board.

@dave, don't forget about all that water turned into wine.

second pick, enrico fermi. father of the nuclear reactor.

devang said...

Howard Stern. I'll to listen to funny shit AND have Scores titties to stare at.

Ryan said...

Richard Branson...that cat is amazing. rags to riches and balls bigger than anyone..

Chopper Dave said...

Clinton Portis and his many personalities

Justin Elder said...

The blogfather: Joe Namath

coach said...

Abraham Lincoln. The Gettysburg Address was only about 15 minutes long; and by all accounts he was a fantastic speaker whenever he got on stage. I'd prefer to listen to somebody who has something to say.

devang said...

Good call on Sedaris mamacita.

Burnsy said...

Great pick, Devang. Brain and dick working together. Unfortunately I left my brain at home today.

Michael said...

Lewis Black....angry jews make me giggle

Brother Joshua said...

i pick beaverfever's other grandfather.

miamidiesel said...

Some might say Charles Barkley, but fuck that, I'm going with Charles Oakley. When asked why people in the NBA feared Oakley so much, a former NBA player once said, and I quote, "Because Oak doesn't give a fuck." The man smacked Charles Barkley in the face during the lockout meetings for fuck's sake, and now serves as Michael Jordan's personal bouncer, which means he does nothing but kick ass and get laid for a living. You think he wouldn't have some great life experience and advice?

david.we.johnson said...

Winston S. Churchill

Calvin's got a job said...

Darryl Strawberry... hands down. I feel like his commencement speech would be eerily similar to Tyronne Biggums anti-drug speech

Shoopmonster said...

Charles Barkley

Jonathan Judkowitz said...

Lou Gehrig - with the sole hope of him discussing his thought process on how he decided which symptoms should be included in the disease he invented and named after himself.

Rob I said...

Will Leitch

Ahahahahahah just kidding.

Peter Gammons, but I just want to hear him talk baseball rumors and preface everything he says with "Look"

BeaverFever said...

@brother joshua, i'm guessing you picked my other grandfather just so burnsy couldn't.

Otto Man said...

I've actually seen Jon Stewart, and he slays.

Thanks for the birthday love. I plan on being drunk and pantsless by five.

From the other side of town said...

I'll take Charles Barkley, and a bottle of Ketel One with a bucket of ice.

Brother Joshua said...

it was a preemptive strike, yes. he was the best left on the board at the time, so i took him even though i don't need a grandfather.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I'll take the dulcet tones of Vin Scully

brad said...

Since he's a pro wrestler, is Hulk Hogan a fictional character?

If not, I pick him.

Ryan said...

damn...nice one david...i hoped he'd fall farther.

George Clooney...seriously, we'd get soapboxing and dry wit in one ridiculously charming package. yep, that's a man crush.

BeaverFever said...

great call on churchill.

next pick, don rickels. saw his show in vegas about 10 years ago. the man is a comic legend.

Jon Oum said...

The Governator - If that doesn't pump you up I don't know wtf is wrong with you. If all of his political rhetoric bullshit bores you, you can ask him to pull out "You know you want to put a kinfe in me, Bennet."

Burnsy said...

I'm leaning towards George Washington, but my gut is telling me to take Adriana Lima while she's still on the board.

From the other side of town said...

OK, that went too fast.

Gimme Lawrence Taylor and 2 8-balls, one before the speech and another as an inducement to actually speak.

devang said...

I'll pick Rob I just so he can explain the comedy pyramid.

liquid_d said...

Bruce Campbell.
"Groovy", nuff said.

the butler said...

Bob Marley

My hero. And I would hope to blaze one w/ him afterwards. Or during, whatever.

Justin Elder said...

Bono

PK said...

Meshugina Hockey Pucks! Don Rickles.

Mark said...

Hmmmmmmmm.....

What about John Belushi (he's the dead fatter one, right?).

Brother Joshua said...

a roundtable discussion with the writers of kissing suzy kolbert?

*ducks*

Wormfather said...

Well it's time to pick again and I'm taking Dave Attel...dude's just funny.

Burnsy said...

A preemptive draft strategy can sometimes blow up in your face. I may draft your grandfather so you're forced to trade me Beaver's other grandfather. Then again, I may just stop arguing about grandparents and go back to the war room for my next big-titties pontificator.

casserolemistake said...

Christopher Walken. I could listen to him talk all day.

http://ravinwalken.ytmnd.com/

Michael said...

Stephen Hawking

Dave said...

Rick Reilly

BeaverFever said...

"Thanks for the birthday love. I plan on being drunk and pantsless by five."

otto, don't set your sights so low. i saw you get drink by 2pm. have a good one.

Shoopmonster said...

I would go with Bill Brasky but we can't take any fictional characters. How about Teddy Roosevelt?

Brother Joshua said...

@burnsy: my grandfather would have cool stories. he was in ww2 in the pacific navy, had his ship torpedoed, and worked as an fbi agent in d.c.

PK said...

@BeaverFever

Dammit.

miamidiesel said...

Gary Sheffield. Because why the fuck not?

Burnsy said...

Hmmmm, Bono. Good pick. An entertainer with a strong grasp of social conscience.

I pick Carrie Underwood.

brad said...

Great pick, wormfather!

My next pick: John Madden

the butler said...

Chuck Palahniuk

My other hero.

Ryan said...

Dave Chappelle...that concludes my draft...how did he fall this far?!

ill trade the rest of my picks for a bottle of jameson

devang said...

Can't believe I missed this one:

David Halberstam.

Jon Oum said...

Damn, I though Walken was the sleeper

Otto Man said...

George Carlin.

As far as birthday drinking goes, I've got a night scheduled to take me through about 4am. I've got to pace myself.

Michael said...

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky"


Bill Parcell's FUPA. The stories it could tell.

Justin Elder said...

James Earl Jones. Best speaking voice ever.

Mark said...

Shits going fast.

I saw 300 last night and it was bad ass. You probably think I would take Leonidas but I'm going with the bad guy:

Xerxes.

That guy was awesome, and he knew how to party

Shoopmonster said...

Mike Tyson. I just hope that he threatens to eat some children.

wrecking_ball said...

Frank Caliendo.

Big O said...

I'll take Jimmy Paige From Led zeppelin because of two reasons: 1) Big daddy drew stole my rock band a few drafts ago based on a stupid fish incident stealing my will to live 2) because i'd get a kick ass solo instead of some boring speech.

Rock on. I win. Good fucking Night.

Brother Joshua said...

caliendo is a good choice because you get about 30 different speakers in one pick.

Burnsy said...

I'd like to pick an athlete who has accomplished a lot in his career and who has overcome adversity to achieve the greatest success.

Maria Sharapova.

Bing. Bang. Boom.

Jackin'4Beats said...

God this draft is going fast. Great pick miamidiesel, I was going to take Sheff.

I'll take Rachel Nichols just so my friends and I can place side bets on how long it takes her to blink.

Jonathan Judkowitz said...

With my third pick, I have to take the man that spoke at my college graduation ceremony - Jack Valenti. It was a fantastic speech, but I wish he added more movie stuff in there, so with this new commencement speech, I will force him to talk movies.

BeaverFever said...

my next pick is jim kaat. best baseball commentator ever. the guy knows how to tell a story and just seems like a nice guy.

Dave said...

Ghandi?

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Don DeLillo. Largely because authors tend to give better speeches/interviews than just about anyone, and nobody writes a flawless, lyrical sentence like DeLillo.

(Philip Roth was a close second, but half the crowd would either be jerking off or committing suicide by the midway point.)

casserolemistake said...

I'm changing strategy mid-draft...Ted Bundy.

Justin Elder said...

Dr Suess - Oh the places we'll go.

Shoopmonster said...

Terrible Ted Nugent

Rob I said...

Chris Rock

Because every commencement speech needs a few N-bombs.

And the Black Mall bit.

brad said...

John Wayne

devang said...

Hugh Hefner. The speech would be titled, "How to fuck girls 50 years younger than you"

grungedave said...

My actual graduation speaker... Gov. George W. Bush. True story.

Ugh.

so if I could *redo* that option... I'd pick Henry Rollins. He's a badass.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bill Murray.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Martin Luther King Jr.

The man really knew how to deliver a speech.

Can't believe he fell this far.

Burnsy said...

I'm going historical with this pick.

Marilyn Monroe.

She probably had herpes, but back then they just called it a case of the itchies and put a little extra soap on it. No harm, no foul.

Peter McSheisty said...

Ali. In his prime. Not the Katherine Hepburn days.

coach said...

Ted Nugent

Peter McSheisty said...

dammit bdd, i was going with Bill for my next pick. One of the funniest guys of all time. Serves me right for showing up late.

Matt said...

I pick Suzyn Waldman. My graduation would be "the most dramatic thing i've eva seen..."

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Mitch Hedberg

Otto Man said...

I was just going to take MLK, Jr.

I'll go with someone closely related -- Ricky Gervais.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Bill Hicks. "If anyone here is planning to go into marketing or advertising, kill yourselves."

(As someone who works in marketing and advertising.)

Burnsy said...

Ted Nugent already went Coach.

Shoopmonster said...

Rickey Henderson

coach said...

@burnsy

I knew I'd make a fool of myself the first time I tried to do this.

Shoopmonster said...

Kudos on the Bill Hicks pick. If my head would have been out of my ass, I would have snatched him early.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Jerry Falwell so I could get close enough to punch him in the balls. Oh...he's dead? recently? hmmm...well good...fuck that guy.

I guess I'll take Hillary Clinton so I can punch her in the balls.

BeaverFever said...

Pope John Paul II, blame the catholic in me on this pick.

@jackin'4beats, speaking of civil rights leaders my graduation speaker was james farmer. guy gave a great speech and had a good sense of humor. for example, he commented on the rope around his neck he wore with his cap and gown to receive an honorary degree and said, "if i had this rope around my neck in the south back in the 50's i might be a little nervous."

miamidiesel said...

Ozzie Guillen. No telling who he would decide to rant about or offend that day, but it would be fucking hilarious... plus he outed Jay Mariotti, which makes him worthy of everyone's respect

Rob I said...

Mario Danelo

I can't believe he fell this far.

Big O said...

With my next pick, since Liquid_d took Campbell, I'll take the next best thing: Sam Raimi.

With Raimi and Cambell they made each other.

Fangirls on Helium said...

I pick Chuck Norris.

Peter McSheisty said...

Bill Clinton

the butler said...

Marissa Miller

Justin Elder said...

The Virgin Mary - I'd love to hear some of the stories she could tell.

miamidiesel said...

@rob i - i hate myself a little for laughing at that Danelo pick. Lucky for you my ticket to hell was punched a long time ago, or you'd be in some deepshit right now

devang said...

Barack Obama. I may not agree with every thing he says, but the man is a pretty good speaker.

Burnsy said...

Just take a deep breath and get right back at it, Coach.

Speaking of deep, I take Jenna Jameson pre-freakshow plastic surgery porking Tito Ortiz. You know, Flashpoint and Conquest Jenna.

I am not going to be able to walk for days after this graduation.

coach said...

ty cobb. Hopefully I didn't screw this pick up too badly.

John & Abby said...

Dave Chappelle, much better than James Dobson who was a pompous bore for almost 2 hours.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Bowie, it's fuckin bowie man.

brad said...

Mick Jagger. He must have some tales to tell.

devang said...

Chappelle's long gone.

Peter McSheisty said...

Chappelles already gone john & Abby

Shoopmonster said...

Malcolm X. Have always been fascinated by him for some reason. Would love to see him piss off an entire college.

Burnsy said...

Did anyone mention Chappelle is gonezo?

Matt said...

Ol Dirty Bastard...who can resist a commencement speech full of talk about licking assholes

Justin said...

I'll take Seth MacFarlane. He actually gave the speech at harvard i think it was. Absolutely Hilarious. Youtube it if you want to check it out

Peter McSheisty said...

Ill take future Senator of Minnesota, Al Franken. One of the only times I laughed, uncontrollably, while reading a book.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

yeah devang that Barack Obama sure is articulate...

Burnsy said...

@ shoopmonster

In all seriousness, that was one of my favorite movies ever. He was a fascinating man. If I weren't allergic to books I would read his autobiography.

casserolemistake said...

Pedro Alonso López, the most prolific serial killer in history. 300+ kills. That's a man, a dream, hard work and dedication.

Mark said...

Mark Antony

dick_gozinia said...

Hunter S. Thompson. And I'd take him out the night before and get him all fucked on booze and mescaline.

Fangirls on Helium said...

The Sex Cannon.

I'm surprised nobody's taken him yet.

Shoopmonster said...

I had to read it for a history class, but kept it after I passed the class and plan on trying to read it every few years. Very good read.

Big O said...

@Coach-kinda funny you picked ty cobb with a lot of other picks being civil rights leaders. Cobb was most likely the largest racist in all on MLB history.

Now for my next pick, I select Matt Ufford because he's so dreamy.

Oh and sidenote, Mark Twain and Dr.Suess are iffy as picks because they are Pen names, it is debatable whether they should count as fiction characters.

coach said...

Suzy Kolber? She's the reason we're all here, right?

Otto Man said...

If I can't have Twain, I'm going with another sarcastic bastard -- H. L. Mencken.

Burnsy said...

With my final pick, I take Lindsay Lohan circa-Mean Girls. We can still turn it around, Lindsay. Just take my hand.

Dale Ellis Driving School said...

The Reverend Al Green.

Matt said...

@Coach good call leads into my ringer of the draft

Joe Namath (only if he's thrown back about 5 Tom collins beforehand)

devang said...

Isaiah Berlin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaiah_Berlin

Slash said...

Can't believe Chapelle didn't go sooner. Rollins also an excellent pick. Damn.

My pick: Oscar Wilde

You know that mofo had some stories.

Peter McSheisty said...

I really wanted HST and Bill Murray. Those were in my top 3. Damn you Gay Mafia, taking my picks.

Jackin'4Beats said...

This is for wormfather. I take Aaron McGruder since I love the Boondocks and I'm sure he'd make 1/2 of us laugh and the other 1/2 plus faculty very uncomfortable.

Great story beaverfever.

coach said...

@big o,

Yeah, but I figured I could sprinkle an idiot or two in there. I picked Abe Lincoln with my first pick.

Jon Oum said...

Fangirls-
Sex Cannon + College Coeds = Disaster.
I think FEMA has a contigency plan for this.

the butler said...

Mac Dre.

"I'm sharp like Shannon, rich like Gannon..."

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Falco

Shoopmonster said...

Morgan Freeman. I would have no problem listening to that man talk about anything.

Peter McSheisty said...

@ Dick_gozinya, HST gone. I got an idea, how about ctrl + f people.

BeaverFever said...

5th pick,hockey legend Don Cherry.

brad said...

Has anyone taken Wilt Chamberlain yet?

Oren said...

David Foster Wallace

Justin Elder said...

Damn pseudonyms. Instead I pick theodor Seuss Geisel.

Otto Man said...

No one's taken FDR? Yoink!

Jordan Ginsberg said...

James Joyce. Partially for insight, partially for the spectacle of someone speaking for an hour without any punctuation whatsoever.

White Silk said...

I am stunned that dude fell this far (considering he's far and away one of the top 5 coolest muh fuckas to ever walk this planet).

The man who put the LBC on the map:

Snoop D-O Dizzle

Matt said...

I'm gonna take Danny Ainge and hopefully he will explain why he insists on ruining my life

Big O said...

For my last pick i take George S. Patton. I simply cannot believe no one took him this far in. Perfect sleeper pick.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Aishwarya Rai so I could cause an international incident when I kick her husband's ass so she could be mine.

HA!

Jonathan Judkowitz said...

Being an alum of the Houston Cougars, I may have to give up my football and basketball tickets and may never again be allowed on campus, but I would love to listen to a speech by Jim Valvano

the butler said...

Larry Fitzgerald.

Peter McSheisty said...

Cuckoo's Nest
Departed
Easy Rider
Batman

Jack Nicholson, coolest motherfucker alive.

MicroscopicElvis said...

I pick Will Arnett provided he did the whole thing in the GOB voice

Grimey said...

I'll piss off the southern block and go Lewis Grizzard, although I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been crazy about speaking at UF.

Otto Man said...

Charles Manson.

Say what you will, but the man would be damn entertaining.

From the other side of town said...

Rex Grossman

The sex cannon can talk about goin' deep.