Tuesday, January 1, 2008

You Mean There's More?: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

NFC 5th Seed -- New York Giants (10-6)

[Raymond James Stadium]

Eli Manning: What is this shit? I thought the season was done last week. We played the Patriots, right? That was our Super Bowl. I actually tried and everything. I imagined it to be a really important squash game, with the loser having to pony up for all the POM Wonderful after the match. But we lost and that's it, right? Then why the fuck am I stuck down here in godforsaken Tampa Bay?

Eli: Fine. Someone get open. C'mon. Plaxico, where are you?

Plaxico Burress: Wha-huh? Nah, man. It's the playoffs. And I got no love from that drunk bitch last night in Ybor City. You're on your own.

Eli: Shiiiiit. Shitshitshitshitshit.


No. It can't.

It can't be.

What the fuck is that?

Eli: Tiki! Oh, Tiki, my sweet prince, you've come back to me!

Ronde Barber: Actually, I'm -

Eli: No time for apologies. Just take the ball.

[Ronde runs the ball back for a touchdown]

Brandon Jacobs: The fuck you doing, man?

Eli: Don't be sore, Brandon. You've done well as the feature back, but it's back to the TD vulture role for you. Tiki has returned. And none too soon. I feel as though my bonhomie of the sport has risen anew.


[Eli throws seven pick-sixes to Ronde on consecutive offensive snaps]


Peyton Manning: 'Sup numbnuts. Heard you've got yourself in a spot of trouble.

Eli: Hey snotbreath.

Peyton: Think I could interest you in The New Razor from Sprint?

Eli: Maybe. It would go well with a Citizen Eco-Drive Watch. How many can I put you down for?

Peyton: The ultra-thin, sleek design of the A900 by Samsung is enough to turn heads, but this phone is not just another pretty face. Coupled with the great features of the Sprint Power Vision Network, Bluetooth Wireless technology, and megapixel camera it is the perfect blend of fashion and function.

Eli: Yeah, well, Citizen has now gone high-tech with its new line of solar powered wristwatches. These new Eco-Drive watches will never need to have the battery replaced. And they come in a wide variety of styles for both men and women.

Peyton: That sounds like a right fine idea. Perhaps I could put it on my Mastercard. You know I have something of an ad campaign going on with them, don't you know?

Eli: We all know about your stupid pep talks, Pey-Pey. Well, me and dad got this thing going with BankPlus. They've got 61 offices in 34 Mississippi communities.

Peyton: Holy shit. That's it? You're hawking a crappy community bank with dad? What's wrong, the Honda dealership near the highway turn you down?

Eli: Credit cards are predatory, anyway, buttrash. They charge outrageous interest rates and they dupe college kids and the feebleminded by giving away T-shirts.

Peyton: Speaking of T-shirts, maybe you could be the next Snorg girl.

Eli: They get a squash shirt and we'll talk.


Harry Ballzana said...

Pretty pretty pretty good...and yes I can read lips and Coughlin actually justs yells "scream" repeatedly at Eli from the sidelines

Unsilent Majority said...


peter king crowned my ass said...

/standing O

dickey simpkins said...

Amazing start to the year.

miamidiesel said...

Spot on, spot on.

Happy 2008 everyone.

smurphette said...

I always love the haterade. Happy New Year, boys.

SlideShow Bob said...

Fuck Tiki

Otto Man said...

Tom Coughlin is about as eloquent as Dick Clark.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Good shit Ape. Happy New Year peeps. Here's for an even more hilarious 2008.

SDW said...

Nice work, Ape.

But if Eli is the next Snorg girl, I'm killing someone.

THIGHS said...

Even though I'm a Giants fan, I still crack up during the Citizen watch commercial. Eli? Unstoppable? I wish.