Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Greggggggg Easterbrook Would Like To Beatify Dungy, Send Patriots To Jew Hell


We've had some fun at the expense of Pats fans lately. But I've always been of the mind that the Patriots and their fans are simply annoying. Really, really, really fucking annoying. But little more than that.

But Gregggggg Easterbrook, with whom we have had our fair share of fun in the past, would like to go one step further. Easterbrook believes that the Patriots are literally offspring of Lucifer himself. No doubt because they stay up past midnight. It’s nearly impossible to convey just how douchey this column is, but let me just give you a taste of Easterbrook’s stern sermonizing from today, in which he treats the Pats as if they masturbate with crucifixes and the Colts as if they poop rainbows.

Argument for the Indianapolis Colts as paladins who carry the banner of that which is beneficent: Sportsmanship, honesty, modesty, devotion to community, embrace of traditional small-town life, belief in higher power, even love of laughter.

I’m pretty sure Easterbrook and Peter King could fight to the death regarding who leads the league in laughter. The rest of this paragraph borders on the completely insane. The Colts embrace small-town life? What the fuck does that even mean? They were drafted to play in that piece of shit town. And it's not small. It's a major fucking metropolitan area. Do they listen to more John Mellencamp than the Patriots as well? I don't see any Colts helping Barney Fife lock up winos at the county clink. I don't see them delivering fresh pecan pies to my windowsill.

And they believe in a higher power? All of them? Who fucking cares? I’m assuming then that the Patriots enjoy carving pentagrams in the earth and then slaughtering lambs in them. Witness this passage about Tom Brady:

That constant smirk on Brady's face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, "I'm hiding something."

When I think of Tom Brady, I think of many things: bounties, chin clefts, great hair, Gisele’s crotch, my raging inferiority complex... I rarely think of Dick Cheney. What’s Tom Brady hiding, apart from the two or three other bastard children in his arsenal? I’m guessing not much. I’ve heard Brady speak on TV. He ain’t exactly Mr. Cunning, if you get my drift. He’s Californian, for God’s sake. The reason he reminds people of Joe Montana is because of the vacant staring.

I haven’t read Easterbrook in quite a while. When the fuck did he completely lose his mind?

52 comments:

Hugh McSnatchercraft said...

he lost his mind when he stopped writing about football and started talking about yachts and global warming and whatever the else he spits out of his mouth.

Captain Caveman said...

I smirk all the time. It's just how I smile.

Probably because I'm hiding a knife to stab Easterbrook with.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Hey, did you guys hear about that Catholic girls flag football team from a Class Q school in Wyoming that scored 13 points in the 4 quarter of a game that happened 7 years ago?

Boom! Went the punt!

Upstate Underdog said...

Even this weeks cheerleader was terrible.

And why the hell is writing about harry Potter and James Bond ?

Bryan said...

As soon as I saw "poop rainbows", I wrote down in my notebook: "I know what the rest of the colun will be about."

Scott Swayze said...

The graphic at the top right of the column sums up my feelings about Easterbrook. He is seriously retarded.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Is it possible to lock Simmons and Easterbrook in a room and not let them out until they beat each other to death?

iypoon said...

What the fuck? I read that article and almost gagged... it's like Easterbrook decided to become more idiotic than Bill Simmons, but on the other side of the spectrum.

So in summary, the Patriots trying to preserve a comfortable margin of victory = bad, but the Texans coming back from 32-7 in the 4th quarter with the immortal sage rosenfelds and CFL retreads = AWESOME.

And hey, the Colts running up the score is "saintly" too

Houston - W (49-14)
Chicago - W (41-10)
Detroit - W (41-9)
Tennessee - W (51-24)

I had to double check that link, i thought i was reading a KSK piece. I can't believe Easterbrook believes the garbage he writes.

Upstate Underdog said...

@chamomiles, can we throw PK in with them ?

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

And I'm pretty sure BDD left off a "g" in the title

flubby said...

Less funny: Gregg Easterbrook or Bee Movie TV Juniors?

Benjamin L. Pray Esq. III said...

Peyton Manning needs to be in a few more commercials so he can remain "humble and appealing"

foos05 said...

Yup this has nothing to do with the thread, but my phone just rang and as I picked it up I hear, "hell, this is Assbag McFuckstick manager of your local Domino's Pizza, this week are specials are..." Domino's is recording their managers and setting auto-dialers to dial numbers. WTF. They can all burn in hell with the Patriots. Assjacks.

Suss said...

"Send Patriots To Jew Hell"

But they already went to Dallas in Week 6.

Les Savy Ferd said...

the only possible connection between Cheney and Brady is the former utilizing the latter as a means of straightening out his errant daughter. because I hear Brady can do that for a gay chick.

Hank Wackman said...

At least Gregg didn't call Dungy "bright and clean" like I was expecting him to.

Rocco Door said...

Hate him. There is maybe, one small nugget of football knowledge that comes out like once every 6 weeks, but aside from that it is a bunch of stupidity. Sad thing is that my friends love him. I would have killed myself this week after reading that if it wasn't for you BDD.

Alex said...

I hear Tony Dungy is very articulate as well.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Easterbrook is actually still typing that column.

jmorrisking said...

Why does Easterbrook look like George Soros' little brother. That may explain why his column slides off my computer to the Left....

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Bob Sanders is the only person alive who can finish a Gregg Easterbrook column - but he chooses not to.

/cross-blog commenting

seezmeezy said...

i've never found easterdouche entertaining or particularly informative, but i'd always had a marginal respect for his writing ability. however, using facial expressions to compare the inner-workings of an idiot-savant and a snarling colonialist is pretty much impossible to pull off in the written word.

perhaps eaterdouche needs his own podcast... the g.s. report???

Mark said...

Jesus it's like he stole the idea from your previous Easterbrook column!

I Actually Also Wrote This In A Football Column: First, it's long been clear that (Bill) Parcells is an egomaniac in both the casual and, perhaps, clinical senses of that word. Lately he's gone downhill to simply becoming a nasty person, spitting and snarling at everyone around him. What's Parcells going to do next, demand worship? When I look at Parcells, the phrase that comes to mind is "failed human being." (A failed human being who has won two championships and will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame one day. But has he ever discussed free trade agreements? TMQ does not like equating succeeding with success.)

The Hater said...

Gregggggggggggggggg turned into a fucking tardmonkey after cameragate happened. His columns have been unreadable since, especially for someone who has made so much money betting on the Pats.

Grant said...

The Patriots shouldn't be looked down upon for running up the score for four reasons.

1. Anyone can come back... I mean while the Pats - Phins games was on the Texans were putting up 29 4th quarter points in route to a huge comeback.

2. A professional team should be good enough to prevent a rout.

3. When a team stacks the box....You pass

4. It's more fun to wacth Brady throw the ball around then to watch Cleo Lemon throw it in an attempt to make the lead look respectable

Jackin'4Beats said...

The Pats were playing the Dolphins. The Texans were playing the Titans. The Texans coming back on the Titans is not that far fetched. The Pats should have known better.

allie said...

assuming your opponent couldn't possibly mount any sort of offensive comeback actually seems more insulting than continuing to play...

BeaverFever said...

If Easterbrook is so holier than thou how can he endorse gambling ?

Been gone a while, quite a debate over at the Boston post from yesterday.

iypoon said...

jackin'4beats: the texans had SAGE ROSENFELD with backup support against a very good Titans defense. Cleo Lemon and the dolphins were actually on a roll in the 4th quarter.

Wormfather said...

@jackin' +1

@Suss

What exactly is Jew Hell? Is it a hell for Jews or is it a version of hell that contains Jews? For me Florida would be Jew Hell. For a Jew not-so-much. So what then, Palistine? Syria? North Carolina?

D said...

Easterbrook is a cuckold, and he resents everything he thinks he knows about Belichick and his wife.

Saintsation said...

Easterbrooks just got nothing left to write about, TO is behaving, and got a memo saying the scifi shit he loves is killing readership.

But as a douchebag patriots fan I only skim all pats related material not written by the sportsbro

Dan said...

Ummm... Bob Kraft = Jewish and Tony Dungy = Christian (born-again, antigay at that). Given Easterbrook's record, this may have something to do with it.

Chip Fu said...

Hey, hey, come on fellas. Yeah the guy is locked in downward spiral of madness and that article was crazy, but we're talking about the Pats here. Don't lose your perspective.

They need people sticking up for them about as much as Adriana Lima needs a pity f*ck.

Scott said...

Gregg Easterbrook is one of the same guys who brought you the Iraq war, by relentlessly cheerleading it at his day job as a columnist for the New Republic. he couldn't get off the knob of the Bush administration then.

though i do like the idea of the Patriots tormenting him so. maybe if they go undefeated he'll shit out his mouth. you might not be able to tell the difference.

Kunal said...

The Colts represent much class with the whole "idiot kicker" thing, Manning screwing over his O-line, the constant bitching about pass interferences. Please, G-reg is just guilty of trying to force yet another angle on this much-hyped matchup. I can't wait for the ombudsman to fuck this cum receptacle yet again.

Jake said...

You're missing the positive of this: between yesterday's (deserved) "Everything about Boston--except the Pixie's--sucks" column, and today's "The Patriots caused 9/11" column, Simmons has probably flown into a rage and killed whoever it was he was blowing at the time..*

Either JBug, Jimmy Kimmel, or the Sports Gal. There's no way to be sure.

Slash said...

Anyone who uses the word "paladins" deserves only contempt.

And the "embrace of traditional small-town life" usually entails alcoholism, unwed pregnancy followed by a quick marriage and dragging non-white people behind your truck. At least it does where I'm from.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I used to be an eighth-level paladin, with a +1 sword and an armor class of 20.

BeaverFever said...

@scott, I didn't think Iraq War/Bush cheerleaders were allowed to write for TNR.

Big Daddy Drew said...

@cd: But paladins had to be lawful good, which was so annoying.

Mike said...

easterbrook has been praising the patriots' "team spirit" non-stop for years. he's praised the players, the coaching, everything. I can't be bothered to go back and read, but I'm sure he's had many nice things to say about brady. even if you think belichek is a cheating douchebag, how is the whole team now suddenly the incarnation of evil?

ps, back when easterbrook started I thought he was funny and insightful (to be fair, I didn't know jack about football; I also used to think his political writing was good). now I think he is mostly neither. did I change or did he?

Hank Wackman said...

@ slash about small town life - And meth addiction. Sweet, sweet meth addiction.

Slayer is life said...

easterbook stoopid. the latest simmons column is a fucking abortion of literacy. i hope schilling gives jd drew aids

J.L. White said...

Uhhh......Skip Bayless just finished Easterprick's article, and found that Triple G took too many liberties with the truth to force his prejudices and biased beliefs down the public's throat.

Slash said...

RE meth: As long as it fills the empty hours till the sweet release of death, it's good.

Otto Man said...

As soon as I saw "poop rainbows", I wrote down in my notebook: "I know what the rest of the colun will be about."

The rest of the Colts' colon is filled with sunshine and lollypops.

But no penises. Tony Dungy says that would make the baby Jesus cry.

kevin said...

Wait, this is the NFL, not some Pop Warner football league, right?

There should never be mention of running up scores. If your team is getting the score run up on them they SUCK. If said team does not want this to happen again, GET BETTER and STOP SUCKING.

Guys in the NFL talk about it all the time, when you let up is when you get hurt. They play full out from start to finish, sorry that the Pats 7th tailback, a guy from Navy, scored.

It's fucking preposterous to think there is sportsmanship in professional sports.

Jingoist said...

And I guess now is as good a time as any to remind GGGGGGGreggggg E. that Wade Phillips called a timeout at the 1:48 mark in the 4th quarter vs. the Pats 2 weeks ago, thus earning the Eckel neck-stomping rushing TD.

If it weren't for that timeout, would the Pats have started repenting and now be going to church with Tony Dungy every Sunday before kickoff and Belichick confessing his cheating sins to the priest? Somehow I doubt it, but if it makes Easterdouche more insane to think that would have happened, I am all for it.

lost said...

kevin,

I'm with you.

But don't get too wound up about it. This 'running up the score' bullshit only means something to limp-dicked geeks like Gagg Easterbrook; guys who're used to half of Chocolate City runnin' up in their wives.

Well, them and any dumb enough bet against the Patriots this year.

Sisto said...

@cd: Armor class of 20? What were you, naked?

/nerdery

NeverNude said...

If Dungy is such a good coach, why can't he coach his son into living?