Friday, October 5, 2007

The Sports Gal Speaks! And Analyzes The Patriots Cheerleaders!


Oh my God, Britney Spears is such a WHORE! I can’t even imagine what those poor kids must go through every day. Why is she out clubbing? I went to clubs before Bill and I got married and they weren’t so cool. It’s just everyone packed together and YUCK!

I can’t believe Kate Walsh isn’t on Grey’s Anatomy anymore. Now it’s just Meredith and her dopey sister. They don’t even look alike! Like a surgical intern would be that pretty! My God! And all they do is talk talk talk. Don’t you hate people who talk all the time like that? I hate people who talk all the time like that. People who just repeat the same stuff over and over again? That really bothers me, when people repeat the same stuff over and over again. And they’re not talking about anything interesting! That’s what kills me! If you’re gonna talk so much, say something interesting!

Oh my God, I saw Cameron Diaz yesterday! We live in LA now!

Did you see those nude photos of that High School Musical girl? Oh my God, what a little trollop! I don’t even watch that show, or is it a movie? I don’t know. But why is she letting guys take pictures of her naked? I’d never let Bill do that, even though he asks me ALL THE TIME! I’m never doing that again after what happened that one time in Vermont!

Oh my God! Look at these Patriot cheerleaders!


Oh, please! Like these weren’t photoshopped. No real girl looks like that! Whores. Like they don’t all have eating disorders. The one the left isn’t even that pretty. Am I right? And this one on the beach:


Gimme a break. Like that suit wouldn’t fall off three seconds after going into the water. And no one’s that naturally tan. I’m sorry, but it’s true. And what is this?


Like a mink? Or a sweater? Or both? That’s not practical. I’ll stick to my sweatpants, thank you very much. These girls so aren’t hot. And Bill totally agrees with me. Bill is far more happy to masturbate in front of a mirror wearing a Jimmy Kimmel mask! Sometimes he’ll finish up and ask me if I can give him a ruling. I don’t know what that means. Bill likes to go to battered woman shelters. He says it’s an unintentional comedy goldmine. I’m not sure he’s ever watched an actual comedy. I wonder if he’d like it, or if it would confuse him! Bill's iPhoto library contains 2,000 pictures of himself and no one else. I think he does his podcast in the nude.

Bill watches 18 hours of TV a day. But that's okay with me, because I smoke LOADS of weed. He also like recording his voice into a tape recorder and then slowing it way down. He says it makes him feel better.

I wish Bill would stop going to Vegas every other weekend with Blueboy. I know they say it’s just for fun. But then when I ask him what they did, he’s always fuzzy on the details. One time I thought he was cheating, so I followed him there. Only they didn’t drive to Vegas! They drove to Shutters in Santa Monica and got a room for the night! What’s up with that! I saw them walk out of the room to get ice holding hands and wearing matching Celtics jerseys with no pants on. Sometimes he tells me the world would be better off if all the women were eliminated.

God, men are so weird!

40 comments:

JTExperience said...

Wow, that's relatively tame. I wish we could see the REAL Sports Gal...

Matt said...

Question: Do you think Bill actually puts on women's clothing before he writes as "the Sports Gal"?

Franklin said...

@Matt - No he actually just takes off his "man clothes" to reveal his true form of feminity. He is like reverse Superman

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Can we get the "this could have been so much meaner" version with a KSK Insider subscription, or can we expect it on KSK Page 2 where Ottoman and the Poopy towel each have a column?

jforks said...

she's so lucky there are no pictures of her in the public domain....and i agree, i expected a little edgier stuff out of drew--then again, the sportsgal as a topic is layup, so maybe drew saves his good stuff for more of a challenge. And for KSK Insiders

grungedave said...

so this is why Sports Gal took the week off...

Big Daddy Drew said...

Punter was out of town this week. He would have been MUCH meaner.

/secretly terrified family pictures will turn up on Internet one day

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Sometimes he’ll finish up and ask me if I can give him a ruling.

Fucking beautiful

Andrew said...

Are there any actual pictures of this woman online? I looked once a while ago, but got nothing.

Lionel McClure said...

This was still pretty mean, although Punter indeed would have taken this to another level.

Are we ever going to hear from Mrs. Drew? I'm sure she has plenty of interesting stories to tell.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

I wanna hear from Mrs. King.

Pemulis said...

I wanna hear from Jean Grey

Hugh McSnatchercraft said...

youve captured the ramblings of a bostonian wench quite well. her Tufts sweatpants must be the source of her brilliance.

The Last Unitard said...

Bleh. Needs more Hench and J-Bug.

Bouj said...

Are there any actual pictures of this woman online? I looked once a while ago, but got nothing.

Yeah, there are. The Sons of the Sports Guy message board found a handful of pics of a Kari Simmons a while back who looked a lot like a woman in the background of a pic at a SG book signing. Some of the posters who have been to his book signings confirmed it was the Sports Gal.

Second to last post on this page:
Kari Simmons

Big Daddy Drew said...

The second picture on that link is NOT the Sports Gal. And it's not Simmons either. The first, blurry one may be.

Either way, it doesn't really matter.

Slash said...

I Googled the actual Sports Gal and her weekly blogging of The Bachelor popped up. I'm now officially ashamed to have ovaries. Were it up to me, everyone who has ever appeared on The Bachelor and the entirety of its viewership would be renditioned to Kazakhstan.

Next time you fill in for Sports Gal, show no mercy.

Vanilla said...

"Are we ever going to hear from Mrs. Drew? I'm sure she has plenty of interesting stories to tell."

I'm guessing that Mrs. Drew write's half of these posts, by which I mean that 'Mrs. Drew' is probably just BDDs name for his left hand.

Vanilla said...

*writes

FTA said...

In a way I hate myself for this, but the last Bachelor was my roommate in college. I only wish I was kidding. He actually is a much better guy than he was made out to be.

Drew, that was Comedic Gold. I never read her rants until the Bachelor recaps and you have nailed that tone perfectly.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm guessing that Mrs. Drew write's half of these posts, by which I mean that 'Mrs. Drew' is probably just BDDs name for his left hand.

Dad, stop reading this site. You're ruining it for me.

Wormfather said...

Please stop using words like "her" and "she".

That is all, thank you.

The Last Unitard said...

Strangely enough, Drew's right hand is named Falco.

King Perkins said...

you should have just picked a pic of some random skank and said it was his wife. who would know? and i would piss billy off.

Babydaddy said...

Nicely done.

I think her writing is fair game, but Mrs. Gal is entitled to her photographic anonymity. Being married to BS has to be a punishment of its own--I mean, if you think *we* are sick of hearing about the '86 Celtics. Dude probably yells "Bird only used his left hand!" when he nuts.

King Perkins said...

well i get clipper tix so if i ever see them at a game i'll take a pic and send it in.

R.J. said...

Does anyone know her full (maiden) name? There's got to be some alumni or college photos somewhere of her around the Tubes.

Ben said...

She was at a book signing I was at - don't pelt me with stuff, I hate the Sox/Pats/Celtics and their lousy fans, a friend of mine was in the hospital and I got a signature for him as a gift - and suffice it to say I think that Bill did quite well for himself.

I also think it's over the line to start searching around for her pics. If anything, she picks games better than he does. I like that.

Ian said...

I agree with Ben - mocking her writing is great but let's not drag her image into this ala King's daughter. It'll just make this less funny.

Mike said...

EVERYONE picks games better than BS.

JAMMQ said...

this could have been so much meaner

This was like the PG version.

Anyone who has read this site for awhile knows that somewhere deep in the bowels of the KSK braintrust there is a version of this post that would make Apocalypse Now look like Charlie & The Chocolate Factory(the original Gene Wilder going crazy version).

Spectacular Sam said...

This post made me laugh out loud, several times. And, obviously, BDD is not looking for a pic. Let's keep that in mind.

swing4 said...

+1 pemulis

Dusty said...

Well, thats a minute of my life I will never get back..

William said...

that's by far the best thing you've ever written

Also, there's no way he won't read this

Pemulis = Penisless

ben said...

In other news: Belichick officially bets on his own games.

Pemulis said...

@william: i wonder how weird that looks to people who havent read IJ....

Andrew said...

one can only assume the sports gal looks like aj hawk

Chip Fu said...

one can only imagine the kid. can a baby be smarmy?

Mike said...

LOL, nice work, kudos on the simmons-bashing, i love it.

also, drew, you shoulda seen Rextacy getting interviewed by Chicago local news' pre-game show, he had some memorable lines, referring to Brett Favre's arm as a "Cannon" and comparing losing his starting job as to "when someone takes your girlfriend."