NOTE: With the Giants/Dolphins game going on this Sunday at Wembley, I thought I'd repost the England guide from this summer's international series. Enjoy.
Hello, English people! Or should I say, top of the marnin’ to ya? Huh? Huh? It’s my honor to take you on a tour of all things NFL and explain why it might appeal to you folks in London, or as I like to call it, “Seattle With Funny Accents.” No doubt you’ve heard of the NFL, but haven’t had the chance to learn more about it because you were too busy breathlessly overhyping lousy bands (“The new Travis album is absolutely MASSIVE!”) and eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar. But with this crash course, I think you’ll learn to lurve the NFL almost as much as you enjoy the comedic stylings of Ruby Wax.
In addition, you Brittainians have been bestowed with the honor of hosting the first-ever regular season NFL game to be played on European soil. Unfortunately, Sunday's game will be played between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, which means it will bear more than a striking resemblance to the American Bowl preseason games and London Monarchs WLAF games of years past. My apologies. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop 40,000 of you from snapping up tickets for the game at Wembley the day they went on sale. Sure, most of those tickets were probably bought by American citizens living abroad. But I’m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.
So, in preparation for Sunday, here’s a handy Let’s Go guide to the NFL tailored to the sensibilities of all you pasty, strawberry-blond Limeys. Now let’s get pissed on some American football!
What You’ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They’re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-With Americans in the stands, you’ll have a proper outlet for violent hooliganism
-Tampa QB Jeff Garcia only man on Earth gayer than Graham Norton
-Excuse to drink pints of Beamish Red every Sunday between the hours of 6:15PM and 5:30AM
-FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film
-Terrible Dolphins offense mimics the start-stop rhythms of Dizzie Rascal
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of “Coupling”
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott's lazy eye and Thom Yorke's lazy eye
-Halftime show allows for quick trip to Sainsbury's for HP Sauce and cold meat pies
-Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent
-Being across the Atlantic means John Madden cannot visit
-British affinity for the words “cunt”, “cunty”, and “cunting” will really help drive the inherent sexism in the sport home
-Frequent stoppages in play allow Brits more time to enjoy national pastime of cattily bitching about everything
-Stern NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would be quite adept at quelling any Irish uprising ("Oh, I'm sorry! Our troops were supposed to use rubber bullets!")
-Switching to NFL allows transition from shitty blogs like Arseblog to superior dick joke blogs like KSK
What You’ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don’t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I’m sure Ray Lewis wouldn’t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of vowels in player’s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field
-Massive Jason Taylor robot will eat your wee ones
-Lack of Carling scarves in the crowd
-The coaches. American coaches are far less histrionic than their British soccer counterparts. You’ll never hear things like, “WHAT IS THIS UGLINESS?” from an American coach. Sir Alex Ferguson has more charisma in his gusset than Andy Reid does in his whole big fat body
-Joe Buck. Yes, we also hate him here. So why do we put him on television? No clue. Tough shit. He’s your problem now
-Game played by group of people that still fail to acknowledge subpar talents of Robbie Williams
We all know British food tastes like fresh parrot shit (Cloves? Tom Collins mix? Frozen pie crust? Mmmmm!). But, luckily for you, the early 20th century British slave trade created an influx of Indian immigrants that actually knew how to make passable cuisine. That’s why I suggest an all-Indian tailgate party outside of Wembley. Feast on Aloo Gobi, Samosas, Chicken Tikka Masala, Daal, Naan, and other tasty dishes. But make sure you get some meat in there. That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for
faggots men who enjoy the company of other men.
Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Eli Manning. No one’s whiter than Eli Manning
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be
I hope you British folk enjoyed our condescending little tour through our American footie league. We’ll see you at Wembley on Sunday! Thought you were seeing Paul Rodgers fronting Queen and destroying Freddie Mercury’s legacy that night? Boy, are you in for a surprise!