Thursday, October 25, 2007

God declares Billick's play calling to be “some bullshit”

Proof of divine connection: from a murder arrest
to walking away with a humble.


God, the omnipotent, all-knowing supreme being of all creation this week proclaimed Brian Billick's call of three straight pass plays in short yardage situations to be “some bullshit, man.” These words were conveyed through the Lord's chosen spokesman to mankind, Ravens' linebacker Ray Lewis. In an address to his faithful, God, who in his eternal wisdom, has seen fit to deliver his blessed word via medium frequency Towson, Maryland sports radio, went on to describe the Raven's record thus far to be “straight-up bullshit.”

Despite being able to commune directly with the hearts and minds of all living creatures though the power of the Holy Spirit, God chose to express his proclamations through the vessel that is a rapidly-deteriorating linebacker prone to lawless behavior. Former Raven Adalius Thomas has characterized the team as having a “me-first” locker room. The Almighty-through-Lewis called these comment, “just mo' bullshit, y'all.”

The holy communicational hierarchy.


When long-time listener, first time-blaspheming heretic “Barry from Dundalk” suggested that God should consider the shaky pass coverage of corner Corey Ivy, a perturbed Yahweh/Allah/Vishnu/Jah made it clear that he “ain't even trying to hear that bullshit, man.” The Creator chastised Barry, whose soul had just been rendered forfeit for eternity, and reminded him that He “would go upside that head wit' a quickness.”

The Word of the Almighty can be heard at 1300 on your AM dial, Monday afternoons between the Stephen A. Smith Show and “B-more Sports Nutz Weekly”.

21 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

God would have gone through the Pope, but that guy's just plain mean.

Steve H said...

I hear God has put in His name for the Lions' offensive coordinator job. He has to protect Kitna, His chosen quarterback.

Jackin'4Beats said...

JAH!!!! ras-tafar-eye. Irie man, just irie.

lieutenant winslow said...

wait. ray lewis is god? what? espn told me that tom brady is god. this is all very confusing.

Jay said...

Ray Lewis is starting for the Rockies at DH tonight.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Ray Lewis and Elijah Dukes get along well, I ain't even bullshittin' you dawg.

Mike said...

That's not a real SI cover is it?

It's more ridiculous than the Rolling Stone of Kanye West as Jesus if it is...

Elizabeth said...

As a female sports fan, I am so glad I found this blog. It's freakin' incredible.

brick said...

flubby is gonna get stabbed

Otto Man said...

According to "Real Genius," it goes from God, to Ray, and then to the dry cleaner's.

Otto Man said...

flubby is gonna get stabbed

Yep. I look forward to hearing the news that he accidentally fell on a knife four times.

Drizztdj said...

It goes from God to Jerry to Kent to the cleaners.

According to Val Kilmer at least.

The Humanist said...

Here are some other things that are "some bullshit, man":

- attending a high school named after a chick
- losing the Butkus Award to Trev Alberts
- Missing the 2000 Pro Bowl because you were being held in jail on the charge of knifing the fuck out of two dudes
- Walking away from a double murder rap with a pathetic year probation plea to a misdemeanor charge of "obstruction of justice". That is, to say, obstrucing the two victims' ability to keep their blood inside their bodies

Babydaddy said...

I need a working definition of a "humble" and Urban Dictionary has nothing. Damn it, David Simon, I'm from Montgomery County--hook a brother up with a glossary.

Otto Man said...

It goes from God to Jerry to Kent to the cleaners. According to Val Kilmer at least.

Yeah, that was what I was referring to.

Never met a Val Kilmer fundamentalist before. Sorry if my interpretation of scripture offended you.

Christmas Ape said...

Damn it, David Simon, I'm from Montgomery County--hook a brother up with a glossary.

Go track down George Pelecanos in Silver Spring.

rar288 said...

The Ravens are fuuuuuuucked. They play the Colts, Pats, and Chargers next I think.

flubby said...

babydadddy, humble = misdemeanor

Jarrett Carter said...

Thus sayeth the Lord.

FYI - Ossie Newsome is Moses.

lost said...

he accidentally fell on a knife four times.

those things do happen.

it's a jungle out there.

Babydaddy said...

thanks flubby