We had no less than four readers email us this morning with messages all essentially saying the same thing:
“Jesus Christ. Read this Peter King quote. Just read it. Holy shit.”
What killed me is that each reader had selected a different passage from King’s column to single out. So, it’s not as if King is being hopelessly inane once or twice per column. This man is remarkably consistent in his silliness. And, to a certain extent, you have to appreciate that.
Anyhow, reader Charles G. writes in:
I know making fun of Peter King is too easy, but the quote below kills me. You have to make fun of this.
Now, I’m going to show you the quote. But before you read it, I suggest you stuff a maxipad in your pants and close your office door. You may find yourself in a laughing stupor so severe they need to call the paddy wagon. Are you ready? No, really. Are you ready? Okay, here it is. Under MVP Watch:
"3. Tony Romo, QB, Dallas. Is it my imagination, or does Romo lead the league in smiling?"
Holy shit. I’m just… I can’t… I can barely breathe… smiling… Romo… holy ballsack… Sweet Lord. I think I love this man for all the amusement he provides. Yes, Peter. I’m quite sure Romo leads the league in smiling. It's not your imagination, though I shudder at what kind of fucked-up training room fantasy that part of your brain is currently dreaming up. Romo probably just barely edges out Brett Favre in that department. But Favre does lead the league in laughing, so that makes for a neck-and-neck MVP race. Did you know Peyton Manning leads the league in intensity? And that Tom Brady leads the league in smoldering? It’s true.
I watched Football Night in America last night, and the one thing I noticed about King on TV was that all of his reports follow the same formula, which is:
King: I called Rob Bironas last night, and I said, “Hey, how’s it feel to break the single-game field goal record?” Know what he told me, Bob? “Gee, I didn’t even realize I broke it until now!” Amazing!
So, to recap: King calls Player/Coach X, asks them how it felt to do Y, then lets Bob know Player/Coach X’s response. Like so:
King: Hello, Tony? Peter King here.
Romo: Hi, Peter.
King: Hey, how’s it feel to lead the league in smiling?
Romo: In smiling?
King: Yeah, I charted it all out. You smile way more than Joey Porter! How’s that feel?
Romo: Uh. Good. I guess.
King: (scribbling furiously) Can I quote you on that? This is great stuff!
So, yeah. Tony Romo. Great passer. But an even better smiler. Good job, Peter. You are truly doing the Lord’s work.