Tuesday, October 2, 2007

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – The Bounty On Tom Brady’s Knees Increased To $30



God dammit, NFL defenders. I made you people a nice offer two weeks ago. All you had to do was take out Tom Brady’s knees, and a crisp $20 bill was your reward. Well, here we are. I still got $20, and I still don’t see no ruptured tendons. Let me just again state how much money we’re talking about here.


TWENTY. DOLLARS. American. That’s a lotta fucking money. When I was your age, I would’ve killed for that kind of cash. I could have bought all the PB Max bars I wanted. But I guess that’s not enough for you, Mr. Moneybags. I guess you have all the money in the world to blow on Venezuelan hookers and dog fighting money laundering services. I guess I haven’t offered you the proper incentive to grab Tom Brady by the ankle and give him a nice big twist. All right. Fine. Have it your way. Perhaps you need an even bigger motivation. Perhaps you need… AN INCREASED BOUNTY!


You see that? That’s ten dollars. Again, American. No fooling. I’m adding it to my twenty-dollar offer for a grand total of THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS.



I wish there were a thirty-dollar bill to make this bounty look more impressive, but there is not. Still, $30. Jackson and Hamilton... TOGETHER! Think of the prestige! I know $20 is a lot, but this is 50% more! Jesus, think of all the shit you can buy with that:

-3 1/2 copies of Club International
-Blood sugar testing kit
-Toaster oven at Bed, Bath and Beyond
-750 mL bottle of Knob Creek. Fucking Knob Creek, man! I’d sell my child for a bottle of Knob Creek, it burns so good
-Street abortion
-The film rights to Ethan Hawke’s next novel
-Three months subscription to savannamakeme.com
-Timex Indiglo watch
-Butterball turkey
-Bottle of Stetson (and that’s the cologne, not the eau de toilette)
-Base haircut at Jean Louis David (tip not included)

Fuckin’ A, man. That sounds mighty impressive to me.

Listen, man. I need this. I’m a goddamn Viking fan. There’s no hope for me. Fuck, there’s no hope for any of the rest of us. I saw that Patriots team play last night. They’re fucking awesome. They’re going 16-0. It’s not even silly to consider anymore. They may not win a game by less than 10 points all year. And I can’t handle that. Okay? I don’t think people like this deserve that kind of team:



And that’s the one black Patriot fan! The white ones are 50 times worse! Why do you think that guy has to wear a mask?!

I’m tired of your excuses. “But Drew, I don’t want to risk a penalty!” “But Drew, that’s immoral!” “But Drew, you’re a horrible person!” Shelve it. This is football. This is a man’s game. And real men do their best to violate the spirit of the game in order to rob another man of his livelihood. I’m tired of you injuring players like Cadillac Williams, Steven Jackson, and Rudi Johnson. You’re not focusing your energies, here. If you want my $30, you have to take down the big cheese. You gotta lower that shoulder get right into the legmeat. No fucking around. Like this:



THAT is what I’m looking for. So man up, and get this done. Thirty whole dollars awaits. Make it happen.

NOTE: To those of you who want the Pats to break the record just to shut the '72 Dolphins up, let me ask you: How often do you run into a '72 Dolphin? Are they really that annoying? Besides, they're all nearly dead. They won't be able to pop no more champagne once the Grim Reaper takes them. Now imagine having to deal with some smug Pats fan at a bar hanging his hat on that for the next 40 years. I'll take Larry Csonka any day, thank you very much.

34 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Club International > Club

However, back in the day Swank was the best.

Big Jim Slade said...

3 1/2 copies of Club International

Throw in a date with 'ol coconut tits and I may just storm the field at Gillette myself.

Jackin'4Beats said...

HA. I'm good for $20. Add that to the Bounty.

I wonder what's going on in Valley Ranch this week? Something tells me that old man Jerry's got some titties to milk.

Grimey said...

BREAKING: BIGGIE SMALLS IS STILL ALIVE

TurleyGirlie said...

I'll do it if you pay my daycare costs for the week. A check for $370 please.

On second thought...I'll accept a money order or cashier's check...blogging can't pay that well.

My Insignificant Life said...

The more I think about it, the more I want them to go 16-0 so those smug dolfins can choke on their cheap champagne they drink every year when all teams have finally lost a game. But again, $30 bucks is $30 bucks....damn, I'm torn....

Pemulis said...

I would do it personally, and could certainly use the thirty bucks, but it turns out I'm a huge pussy.

SlideShow Bob said...

Listen Drew if u want to finish Brady then all you need to do is start writing episodes as him. Ron Mexico and the Sex Cannon used to be effective starting QB's in the NFL and now look where they are. Forget the SI or Madden Curses, the BDD Curse is much much worse.

Walklett said...

Was that the crazy bastard from Saw?

QueeferSuthrland said...

Woodford Reserve > Knob Creek

Kevin said...

Damn it! This is what illegal immigrants are for. They do the jobs regular americans don't want to do, and they do it on the cheap.

So Drew, stop bitching online and get your ass to your local Home Depot. You could hire a whole platoon for $30...

Franklin said...

Amen, Who will step up do the lords work and claim this gracious bounty? Ahh yes there is only one man that can step up for the browns of Cleveland next week and claim this reward. A man that once dined with the devil. A man that is adorned in the devils jewlrey. A man that when he finally went and asked the devil for rewards for his efforts was spited and sent down like a dirty dog to the dawg pound. That man my friends.......................................................................is WILLIE MCGINEST!

Franklin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
king of the herculoids said...

Larry Csonka > Bill Simmons

twoeightnine said...

If you're the gambling type I'd place $100 on Derek Anderson injuring his knee this week, the scumbags on the Pats D-Line aren't good at understanding directions.

5150 said...

BDD, once again, you have read my mind. The 72 Dophins fucking eat it, however, Pats fans are worse than Yankee fans.

Please save us Lord Peyton!

JAMMQ said...

Wow, what a decision, root for Peyton Manning to knock off the Pats. What has this NFL come to?

Thanks a lot A.J. Smith. You couldn't just play nice with Marty? Douche.

5150 said...

Admit it, you'd want Brady to knock of Manning if the Colts were undefeated!

Oh, wait...

Seriously, if the Patriots were beating teams that didn't suck hind tit, or even had a .500 record, I'd be afraid, but right now, they're just running over shitballer teams.

Wake me up November 4th.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Why do you limit the injury only to the football field? Can't he tear his knee taggin a hot piece of ass on top of his car?

Ladies, you too can get in on the action: not only will you be able to say you fucked Brady, but that you also fucked his career with a knee injury!

Micah said...

Can I just say, as a die-hard Pats fan, that I love you guys? I was totally disgusted by the video thing, I fully realize Belichick is a scumbag (if a hell of a football coach), but I have to admit it's been tremendous fun watching the Pats stomp on everybody's necks for the first four weeks of the season. It feels weird, as a Red Sox fan, to embrace the Evil Empire role in the NFL, but it turns out that evil is pretty fun.

And I have to say, in an environment where people seem generally split between fellating the Patriots for their awesomeness on the field or claiming that they have destroyed Western Civilization (thanks, Gregg Easterbrook!) - and much of the bile being spewed has a level of sophistication that, let's be generous here, might not pass a fourth grade level - it's nice to see some truly entertaining Pats hate out here on the internet. In fact, I think I enjoy reading stuff like this more than I do most of the fawning praise that's out there, because it sums up exactly how I would feel if I were a fan of a different team.

So if I ever run into any of you guys in LA, I'll buy you a drink. And I won't even gloat that much.

Well. Maybe a little. Pats fans have a reputation to keep up, after all, and I wouldn't want you to lose any of your inspiration.

Alex said...

$30? Do you know how much poontang that'll buy in Columbus, Ohio? Fuck dude.

lennylittlerapedmydog said...

Street abortion.... That comment alone is worth the bounty.

Steve said...

You think taking out his knees would doom the Pats? Do you not remember Schilling and the Bloody Sock? Boston doctors would use stolen cadaver parts and voodoo magic to fix him, and then we'd have to listen to how tough and brave Brady is on top of all the smug crap from a perfect season. No, nothing but a full decapitation will end this nightmare. I'm in for $20.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@jammq

You can always root for Romo to take them out in 2 weeks. It's OK, its not a sign of the apocalypse. And Brady might get attacked by some crazy redneck in the parking lot Saw style so he could be done before even setting foot in Texas Stadium.

We can only hope and pray to Tom Cruise's pagan god for this to happen.

Slash said...

An abortion does not have to cost even $30. I'm just saying, there's tons of wire hangers just laying around. You can get a dozen of them at Wal-Mart for about $3.

I bet if you offered Bridget Moynihan enough money, she'd give it a shot. I bet passing some guy's kid through your loins while he frolics with a supermodel would tend to create a lot of seething anger and resentment just looking for an outlet. Hell, she'd probably do it for free.

Holy crap, Brady will be here in two weeks? Maybe I can arrange something. I work in a building less than a half mile away from Texas Stadium. I can always use $30.

Ethan Stanislawski said...

The compound fracture...truly one of football's greatest injuries.

Marge, you made me miss Joe Theismann!

DaveW said...

I love that old Redskins tape, how they put up Reverse Angle! on the screen bragging about their high-techno shizzle. Wow. They actually had 2 cameras! What'll they think of next?

Meanwhile I'm still watching games in low def half the time, about what, 10 years into the HD revolution?

==========

I predict this bounty will grow to an even $100 before long, so I'm holding out until we start talking real money.

Like, enough to get John Edwards a haircut or something.

Slim said...

I'll take the 15 bucks I raised to pay Vince Wilfork's fine, releasing Bills fans from JP Losman's horrid play, and apply it toward Tom Brady's knee.

But who are we kidding - do you know this guys plays with Brushci (Sp? Is that a kind of bread?)...he'd just come back from knee REPLACEMENT surgery, or without a leg at all, and still win the damned Superbowl. And TRY to live that one down, non-Pats fans....

sheesh - you like the Vikings, Drew, you don't even have to deal with this crap twice a fucking year like we do in Buffalo.

Wormfather said...

1st: STOP SHOWING THAT FUCKING CLIP. I hate him as much as the next guy but everytime I see that shit it ruins my day.

2nd: Holy shit! I'd never actually comptemplated having to listen to Pats fans for the next 40 years about that shit.

I'm gonna go cry.

Average at Best said...

That Pats fan sounds like a black Philip Seymour Hoffman. Either that or he toked on some serious dank before going on his disturbingly calm tirade.

twoeightnine said...

It feels weird, as a Red Sox fan, to embrace the Evil Empire role in the NFL, but it turns out that evil is pretty fun.

Because the Red Sox are still some scrappy, small market underdogs?

Micah said...

Because the Red Sox are still some scrappy, small market underdogs?

Of course not. They're still a big-market team with a tremendous monetary advantage. But they're not the Yankees (although many people find them just as annoying, post-2004). The 'soulless, corporate evil' franchise of MLB is the Yankees, no question about it. And Red Sox fans, like myself, hate the Yankees and have spent many years happily applying the Evil Empire tag to them (especially pre-2004).

So, yeah, it is a bit weird to be the Evil Empire in football.

Christopher said...

Does this bounty apply to Rodney HGHarrison? I think that might your best option; he seems like the type of player that would cheap shot his own teammate

Ross Williams said...

Every Sunday I dream of the announcers coming in with a game break about Brady getting his knee bent backwards. I'll gladly throw in an extra $20 for this to happen.

The worst part is I'm a Niners fan, so the only good thing coming out of our craptastic season, a high draft pick, is going straight to the Devil Pats.

I hate looking at Brady's smug face. It's a toss up about who I want to punch more when I see them on TV, George W or Brady.

Go Colts!