God dammit, NFL defenders. I made you people a nice offer two weeks ago. All you had to do was take out Tom Brady’s knees, and a crisp $20 bill was your reward. Well, here we are. I still got $20, and I still don’t see no ruptured tendons. Let me just again state how much money we’re talking about here.
TWENTY. DOLLARS. American. That’s a lotta fucking money. When I was your age, I would’ve killed for that kind of cash. I could have bought all the PB Max bars I wanted. But I guess that’s not enough for you, Mr. Moneybags. I guess you have all the money in the world to blow on Venezuelan hookers and dog fighting money laundering services. I guess I haven’t offered you the proper incentive to grab Tom Brady by the ankle and give him a nice big twist. All right. Fine. Have it your way. Perhaps you need an even bigger motivation. Perhaps you need… AN INCREASED BOUNTY!
You see that? That’s ten dollars. Again, American. No fooling. I’m adding it to my twenty-dollar offer for a grand total of THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS.
I wish there were a thirty-dollar bill to make this bounty look more impressive, but there is not. Still, $30. Jackson and Hamilton... TOGETHER! Think of the prestige! I know $20 is a lot, but this is 50% more! Jesus, think of all the shit you can buy with that:
-3 1/2 copies of Club International
-Blood sugar testing kit
-Toaster oven at Bed, Bath and Beyond
-750 mL bottle of Knob Creek. Fucking Knob Creek, man! I’d sell my child for a bottle of Knob Creek, it burns so good
-The film rights to Ethan Hawke’s next novel
-Three months subscription to savannamakeme.com
-Timex Indiglo watch
-Bottle of Stetson (and that’s the cologne, not the eau de toilette)
-Base haircut at Jean Louis David (tip not included)
Fuckin’ A, man. That sounds mighty impressive to me.
Listen, man. I need this. I’m a goddamn Viking fan. There’s no hope for me. Fuck, there’s no hope for any of the rest of us. I saw that Patriots team play last night. They’re fucking awesome. They’re going 16-0. It’s not even silly to consider anymore. They may not win a game by less than 10 points all year. And I can’t handle that. Okay? I don’t think people like this deserve that kind of team:
And that’s the one black Patriot fan! The white ones are 50 times worse! Why do you think that guy has to wear a mask?!
I’m tired of your excuses. “But Drew, I don’t want to risk a penalty!” “But Drew, that’s immoral!” “But Drew, you’re a horrible person!” Shelve it. This is football. This is a man’s game. And real men do their best to violate the spirit of the game in order to rob another man of his livelihood. I’m tired of you injuring players like Cadillac Williams, Steven Jackson, and Rudi Johnson. You’re not focusing your energies, here. If you want my $30, you have to take down the big cheese. You gotta lower that shoulder get right into the legmeat. No fucking around. Like this:
THAT is what I’m looking for. So man up, and get this done. Thirty whole dollars awaits. Make it happen.
NOTE: To those of you who want the Pats to break the record just to shut the '72 Dolphins up, let me ask you: How often do you run into a '72 Dolphin? Are they really that annoying? Besides, they're all nearly dead. They won't be able to pop no more champagne once the Grim Reaper takes them. Now imagine having to deal with some smug Pats fan at a bar hanging his hat on that for the next 40 years. I'll take Larry Csonka any day, thank you very much.