Dear NFL Defenders,
You see this?
That’s a crisp, clean $20 bill. And it can be yours. All yours. All you have to do is one very simple thing: take out the knees of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, shown here with knees that are far too functional for my taste.
I waited seven goddamn months for this season to start. And while I knew deep in my heart before the season that my team had absolutely no shot of winning the Super Bowl (my team, in fact, may be the worst in the league), I at least like to enjoy keeping up the illusion that my team has a shred of hope.
Well, it’s patently obvious now that the illusion is gone, as it is for 30 other NFL fan bases not located in Boston or Indiana. And I’m not happy about it. But, rather than sit here and bitch about, I’m gonna be proactive. That’s why I’m reinstituting the kneehunting bounty back into the NFL. The days of the good ol’ bounty died when Buddy Ryan retired. But I am a big fan of all things retro, so I’m bringing it back, Reggie Dunlop style. Ryan never got to Aikman's knees. But I'm gonna succeed where that old coot failed. FUCKING BOUNTY HUNT, BITCH!
This is not a joke. If you successfully take out Brady’s knees, I will really send you a $20 bill. American. Not counterfeit. Lest you think $20 isn’t a lot of money, consider what you can buy with $20:
-Bottle of Popov
-Blowjob (inner city)
-1/10th of a blowjob (suburbs)
-Top shelf KSK merchandise
-Two Cosi sandwiches
-Two months of Netflix
-Multiple discount rack DVD’s of fine films like “Jack the Bear”, “The Avengers”, and “A Fine Mess”
-100% syrup Squishie
The possibilities are endless. More importantly, you’ll have the gratitude of millions of other NFL fans, fans who would like to enjoy the season, instead of having to listen to endless slurping of the Patriots as they notch 30-point win after 30-point win, while assfuck Patriot fans like Bill Simmons whine why no one likes them. My dislike of that man and his kind has now become completely irrational. So consuming is my hatred that I rarely think of anything else, and that makes masturbation hard. So please, save me. And my penis.
But you MUST take out those knees. You cannot collect your bounty unless you are able to seriously injure Brady to the point where he cannot finish the season. Don’t come to me and say, “Drew, I sprained that white asshole’s knee! Gimme my money!” No way. I’m looking for definite tearing of ligaments and/or tendons. No concussions, because Belichick will just force his ass to play anyway. You gotta go for the legs. And you gotta go hard. Here are some images of just what is I’m looking for.
Is that worthy of my $20? Fuck and yes.
Now many of you will decry this bounty as “evil”, "sick", and “unsportsmanlike”. WRONG. Sportsmanship is all about being fair. Well, I see nothing fair about the Patriots being so much better than anyone else. It’s un-American, and I won’t stand for it. And Tom Brady can suck it up. He’s got three Super Bowl rings, millions of dollars, a hotass lady, and a new kid he doesn’t have to take care of. Personally, I think a little adversity would do him some good.
And this is all perfectly legal. At least, I think it's legal. I'm not sure it's legal. I'm pretty sure this is a felony. But I'm sure we can finesse the anti-bounty arm of the FBI somehow. It was legal on "Deadwood", and that's good enough for me.
And please note that this bounty can grow! During the season, I’ll be keeping track of which defenders have done their very best to maim Brady, and I’ll be upping the bounty accordingly. If KSK readers would like to add to the bounty, that would also be fine. I've already raised money for a good cause this year. Time to raise money for something completely disgusting. So aim low, my friends. The fate of the NFL is in your hands. Twenty whole dollars can be yours. So sweep the fucking leg.
A Very Brave And Anonymous Internet Blogger