Monday, September 17, 2007

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY - $20 Bounty On The Knees Of Tom Brady


Dear NFL Defenders,

You see this?

That’s a crisp, clean $20 bill. And it can be yours. All yours. All you have to do is one very simple thing: take out the knees of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, shown here with knees that are far too functional for my taste.


I waited seven goddamn months for this season to start. And while I knew deep in my heart before the season that my team had absolutely no shot of winning the Super Bowl (my team, in fact, may be the worst in the league), I at least like to enjoy keeping up the illusion that my team has a shred of hope.

Well, it’s patently obvious now that the illusion is gone, as it is for 30 other NFL fan bases not located in Boston or Indiana. And I’m not happy about it. But, rather than sit here and bitch about, I’m gonna be proactive. That’s why I’m reinstituting the kneehunting bounty back into the NFL. The days of the good ol’ bounty died when Buddy Ryan retired. But I am a big fan of all things retro, so I’m bringing it back, Reggie Dunlop style. Ryan never got to Aikman's knees. But I'm gonna succeed where that old coot failed. FUCKING BOUNTY HUNT, BITCH!

This is not a joke. If you successfully take out Brady’s knees, I will really send you a $20 bill. American. Not counterfeit. Lest you think $20 isn’t a lot of money, consider what you can buy with $20:

-Many peanuts
-Bottle of Popov
-Blowjob (inner city)
-1/10th of a blowjob (suburbs)
-Top shelf KSK merchandise
-Two Cosi sandwiches
-Two months of Netflix
-Multiple discount rack DVD’s of fine films like “Jack the Bear”, “The Avengers”, and “A Fine Mess”
-100% syrup Squishie

The possibilities are endless. More importantly, you’ll have the gratitude of millions of other NFL fans, fans who would like to enjoy the season, instead of having to listen to endless slurping of the Patriots as they notch 30-point win after 30-point win, while assfuck Patriot fans like Bill Simmons whine why no one likes them. My dislike of that man and his kind has now become completely irrational. So consuming is my hatred that I rarely think of anything else, and that makes masturbation hard. So please, save me. And my penis.

But you MUST take out those knees. You cannot collect your bounty unless you are able to seriously injure Brady to the point where he cannot finish the season. Don’t come to me and say, “Drew, I sprained that white asshole’s knee! Gimme my money!” No way. I’m looking for definite tearing of ligaments and/or tendons. No concussions, because Belichick will just force his ass to play anyway. You gotta go for the legs. And you gotta go hard. Here are some images of just what is I’m looking for.





Is that worthy of my $20? Fuck and yes.

Now many of you will decry this bounty as “evil”, "sick", and “unsportsmanlike”. WRONG. Sportsmanship is all about being fair. Well, I see nothing fair about the Patriots being so much better than anyone else. It’s un-American, and I won’t stand for it. And Tom Brady can suck it up. He’s got three Super Bowl rings, millions of dollars, a hotass lady, and a new kid he doesn’t have to take care of. Personally, I think a little adversity would do him some good.

And this is all perfectly legal. At least, I think it's legal. I'm not sure it's legal. I'm pretty sure this is a felony. But I'm sure we can finesse the anti-bounty arm of the FBI somehow. It was legal on "Deadwood", and that's good enough for me.

And please note that this bounty can grow! During the season, I’ll be keeping track of which defenders have done their very best to maim Brady, and I’ll be upping the bounty accordingly. If KSK readers would like to add to the bounty, that would also be fine. I've already raised money for a good cause this year. Time to raise money for something completely disgusting. So aim low, my friends. The fate of the NFL is in your hands. Twenty whole dollars can be yours. So sweep the fucking leg.

Sincerely,

A Very Brave And Anonymous Internet Blogger

75 comments:

Kimo von Oelhoffen said...

I approve.

Christmas Ape said...

Brett Keisel would like it all in singles, please.

Vanilla said...

Your luck would be that Matt Cassel would come in and be an even better QB, the Pats would trade Brady to the Vikes and recoup their 1st rounder and ol' Brady would never be the same again.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I wholeheartedly agree, my good sir.

But what if KoolAid is the responsible party? Do we have to change out the money for construda?

John said...

i'm in for twenty as well.

Upstate Underdog said...

What no pics of of white guys messing up their knees ? BDD doesn't care about white people's knee injuries.

Diapers aren't cheap so I'll throw in another $10.

B.T.M.M. said...

Poor Djibril Cisse (Pics 1 & 4). To break your leg so completely that it is only hanging on by SKIN and LOOSE MUSHY FLESH, and to have it happen TWICE, that's just unfair.

Otto Man said...

Bounty: The Quicker Putter-Downer.

Otto Man said...

Poor Djibril Cisse

That guy needs to fortify his bones with the wholesome goodness of malk.

Mark said...

Ogie Ogelthorpe approves. In for two root beers.

Dale said...

I'm in for $20 as well. Let's go ahead and have this happen next week.

HadesGigas said...

Explain how?

Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

(Money's too tight for steak)

flubby said...

Does it really matter that Brady's knee be taken out by a defender? You should just open it up to everyone. Teammates in practice, Bridget Moynahan, passers-by on the street.

Big Daddy Drew said...

That's true.

Open season, everyone!

Shan said...

can we start a class action suit against him for causing us pain and depression?

Weed Against Speed said...

I am currently conducting an experiment in my laboratory where I will attempt to infect a baby goat with a combination of anthrax and the plague. That should do the trick.

And by laboratory, I mean one of those rooms you rent out at Kinko's.

Fenway said...

He provides me nothing but smiles and mini-orgasms. I know ya'll don't like Pats fans but did you hate them when the Pats sucked ass way back when or do you hate them now because they win all the time? Or because they use the terms: wicked, packie and yadood? If it's the latter than I totally understand.

Barry said...

You cannot break that which is made of gold! ...unless you're a real badass, and last I checked Mo Lewis retired.

Happy Fun Miles said...

I'll contribute $20, and suggest that it be opened up to "totally shredding his throwing shoulder or elbow."

Big Daddy Drew said...

Barry, gold is among the softest of metals.

Know your elements!

Zodiac said...

That 20 bucks shall be mine! I needs it cause I'm all out of rubber cement to huff!!

Weed Against Speed said...

Peter Graves: Oh. [picks up the gold] So this is gold?

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes.

Peter Graves: It's heavy.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Yes. It's also one of the most malleable substances. This cubic inch of gold can be drawn into a continuous wire over forty miles long, or, pounded into a film covering 1,400 square feet.

Peter Graves: So gold is long and thin like, say, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

/classic SNL

BigRicks said...

I was thinking this exact same thing this morning during my drive to work, except I was picturing a player going helmet first into his throat.

Wormfather said...

@BTMM

Jesus christ, I thought that was photoshopped or bad ms paint. That's just wrong.

Me and all the employeed jets fans are putting up $20 each...

$80 it is then.

Barry said...

Touche. Bong hits before Science class have failed me.

Otto Man said...

Classic, WAS.

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.

Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?

Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of a substance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.

Peter Graves: Aaalllllll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?

Tracer Bullet said...

NFL players have plenty of money. Wouldn't be more effective to offer them something like blueberry construda or a freshly oiled 11-year-old girl to fuck or eat, depending on the player's preference?

twoeightnine said...

$20 and a free post of your own on With Leather.

(Like Ufford is going to disagree with doing less work.)

Slash said...

You can get $200 for a blowjob in the suburbs? If so, I'm in the wrong business.

JAMMQ said...

Is former Eagle safety and knee-seeking missile Andre Waters coming out of retirement?

He would be a virtual lock to win the $20.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Joey Porter's pitbulls said they would do it for one miniature horse.

JASON said...

blowjobs in DC: $30
blowjobs in Baltimore: $40
Blowjobs in between: $60- $100, depending on area.
how much do you KSK writers make to be able to drop 2 bills on a little mouth-fuckin? hell, the bitches in Baltimore will swallow for only an additional $10 (although they claim it's not "lady-like", and that a real "gentleman" would tell them before they came in their mouths...).

TurleyGirlie said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

/fantasy football




YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

/horrified Saints fan

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Did you know that not only did Tyrone Prothro break the shit out of his lower leg (NOT MS PAINT!) but he suffered an infection from all the dirt that got shoved up into the bone when said bone was exposed and shoved into the ground during that play.

Excuse me whilst I vomit a little in my mouth.

Grimey said...

Drew's gonna give away twenty dollars! Someone's gonna get twenty dollars! Who'dya think's gonna get twenty dollars? Could be you or it could... be... you!

Someone's gonna get a broken kneecap! Who'dya think's gonna get a broken kneecap?

Ben said...

I'm in for another $20.

I'll make it $50 if it's a severely torn groin, because that will be 1) more embarassing, and 2) prevent Simmons from making him a martyr posthumously.

There's an old NFL Films clip this brings to mind, where Coach George Allen would give prizes to the Rams and then Redskin players for particularly brutal hits. I remember an old defensive end talking about how during a game against the Eagles, he had a monster day, and at one point stomped his cleat on the Quarterback's hand when getting out of the pile.

When the team got together, everyone expected him to get the award for the week, but Allen said no. "You should know better, dammit," he said. "Next time you step on his hand, you better break it."

swing4 said...

$20 to the first person to reveal Drew's real identity... or, post a picture of him in the previously mentioned pink swim trunks (will consider bonus payment if said photo also contains bread sandwich).

Prada said...

Tim Harris needs to make another hit list.

PotsNPans said...

Hmm . . .Kimo is on the Eagles now, Andre Waters was (before concussing himself into insanity). They also had Tim Hauck (who helped end Michael Irvin's career). Too bad you can't pit Brady against the greatest Philadelphia career ender ever . . . The Vet stadium turf (queue youtube clip of receiver tearing BOTH ACL's at the same time at the Vet).

Kevin said...

I also second bringing Andre Waters out of retirement to take out Brady. Of course, we'd also need to bring him out of death as well, but that's not as big of a problem as you might think.

You just need to cover him in the dead babies from last week's post and let the stem cells do their thing.

David said...

I already took out Drew Bledsoe to start this whole mess. Now, I'm coming out of retirement to end it.

Put me in Mangini. I want Brady!

Sincerely,
Mo Lewis

Oh and by the way, check out bleacherbloggers.com -- shameless plug, how self serving!

Pagoda said...

I swear that Simmons was put on this Earth to irritate the shit out of BDD. More lame-ass excuses for his beloved Pats in his new "blog" post today, including a "let's focus on the Iraq War" rant. I hate his face.

Biggus Rickus said...

I like the sentiment, but why the pictures? That Prothro thing was the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and they showed it on the replay about 20 times while the trainers attended to him. I still get a little nauseous thinking about it.

James said...

On a completely unrelated note, check out this link:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=keri/070917

Number 6:
Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears: The popular sentiment in Chicago is that the Bears made it to the Super Bowl in spite of their quarterback, not because of him. A mistake-prone gunslinger often criticized for making poor decisions, Grossman may be best known in the blogosphere for his various nicknames, including the Steve Spurrier-bestowed "Sexy Rexy" and, later, the "Sex Cannon."

im n ur grille said...

Well, I see nothing fair about the Patriots being so much better than anyone else. It’s un-American, and I won’t stand for it.
Then you understand why many parts of the world seeks to level the playing field by taking out America's knees. You will make an excellent asset in an organization of one of my clients. You may be familiar with their slogan, "Death to America."

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'd certainly subscribe to their newsletter.

Chamomiles Davis said...

BDD,

Find me a time machine set to Feb. 5, 2005 and I'll do it for free

WI Browns Fan said...

We are taking the wrong attitude towards the 2007 Patriots...consider:

1. Based on what we've seen in the first two weeks, the 2007 Patriots look like one of the best teams in NFL history.
2. Nobody who is a Patriots fan is going to get to enjoy it, because "CameraGate" is going to hang over this entire season like a wet burrito fart in a crowded church in August.

Browns fans have such low expectations for this season that yesterday was our Christmas combined with Steak & Blowjob day. We can go 4-12 (and probably will) but fuck if we didn't run the Bengals' Super Bowl bandwagon into a 51-point wall in week two! The Patriots can go 12-4 and Patriots fans will be half-insane with ESPN's breathless coverage of CameraGate by January.

Hyatt said...

Dude, Tim Harris didn't have the Hit List. It was Charles Martin who had the Hit List, as well as the dirty hit on McMahon. God Bless the good old days of the NFL

rar288 said...

Things I need for my Bears to win the Super Bowl...

1 - Rexy START impressing the ladies. Now he's getting picked off throwing screen passes. Chuck that damn ball downfield, atleast that way if it gets picked off the defense will have good field position

2 - Break Tom Brady's fucking leg

3 - Break either Peyton Manning's leg, or both Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne.

4 - LT out for season and Jamal Williams gets thrown in jail for improperly touching a stripper. Those big fat Defensive Tackles are really into strippers.

5150 said...

No, Peyton must destroy them at their pinnacle for people to STFU about him always losing to the Patriots. I want Brady godlike before Peyton fucks him up.

N.J.G said...

not sure if u guys read the page 2 100 athletes to hate thing, but they did mention the sex cannon, so you know that page 2 is reading this, which means simmons is, which means that you have probably made him cry.

Yay!

Machon said...

2. Nobody who is a Patriots fan is going to get to enjoy it, because "CameraGate" is going to hang over this entire season like a wet burrito fart in a crowded church in August.

Ahh, you know that they were caught within the first 5 minutes of the first game, right? If anything, a Patriot run would solidify the fact they did not use/need to cheat. If anything, each win here on out will give Pats fans MORE to talk about.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Sweep the leg Johnny!!! Put him in a body baaaaaag!!!! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

It's always great to feel the pain of watching men break bones on live TV.

/blacks out from pain.

ek said...

oh so since your some sort of hack internet d list celelbrity you think you cn make jokes about a new father's welfair.

i hope your dad gets cancer seriously.

Unsilent Majority said...

page 2 is reading this
Page 2 is not a person

...which means simmons is
doubtful

...which means that you have probably made him cry.
probable

The Fan's Attic said...

I hope Brady and the Patriots go undefeated, if only to shut those stupid '72 Dolphins up. We could all, once and for all, forget those stupid pricks who open a bottle of champagne after the last undefeated team loses each season. Then they could die a lonely, unimportant and anonymous death.

Stitchface said...

Wow, ek.

You're one angry little lady, aren't you?

Pagoda said...

@ the fan's attic...followed by 20+ years of the Pats doing the same thing these assholes do. No thanks.

The Cajun Boy said...

i could have seriously done without those images. my stomach is traumatized!

Zander said...

A BOUNTY!!! Are you crazy? We could all end up in the clinker for this. You can't put a bounty on a man's head.

The Fan's Attic said...

@ pagoda: maybe so, but at least they couldn't lay claim as the only undefeated team ever like those 72 dolphins pricks.

Jay said...

oh so since your some sort of hack internet d list celelbrity you think you cn make jokes about a new father's welfair.

i hope your dad gets cancer seriously.


I hope your face.

And to describe Drew a D-list intertubes celebrity is an insult to such true D-list blogoweb celebrities like that bitch on youtube who speaks japanese. He's a solid E-lister at best, bitch.

The Pirate Sloth said...

@Zander - the bounty isn't on his head. It's on his knees. We're all good.

Who ever heard of someone going to jail for putting a bounty on a body part other than the head? No one, thats who.

deafjeff said...

Well the Pats play the Bills this week so...it won't happen this week unless Belichek goes admiral on him and gives him rug burns. The Bills D won't see Brady until the handshakes and prayer circles after the 86-3 spanking.

The Duke said...

I expect big things out of the "bounties" tag.

Jay said...

The Bills D won't see Brady until the handshakes and prayer circles after the 86-3 spanking.

Give me a second...nope, nope, there's nothing about having to cripple him during the course of the game to win. If two players combine to break his knees, do they split the twenty?

Unsilent Majority said...

But I totally drafted Brady on one of my fantasy teams.

Mr & Mrs said...

I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on Brady with a pair of pliers and a blow torch.

Phony Gwynn said...

If I can stick a finger in Gisele's stinky star, I'll do this shit myself.

Suss said...

Fisher House is in for $20.

Adamos said...

Hahaha, glad I found this blog.

You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman.

surt2k said...

Who ever heard of someone going to jail for putting a bounty on a body part other than the head? No one, thats who.
Tonya Harding?

D said...

Remember the back of Cokies? catching wreck for less, cracked skulls and shit.
-D

mike said...

Did Drew die or something? Apparently we should be focusing on:
The war in Iraq
global warming
a naked vanessa
internet bullying
and perez hilton