Thursday, September 13, 2007

Kevin Everett Meast of the Week -- Week 1

Having sufficiently honored our bestingraychested Memorial Meast Steve Irwin, we're re-naming KSK's most prestigious honor after Kevin Everett, who we think is a total fucking badass for shattering his neck vertebrae and then having the constitution to not be totally paralyzed. We'll be rooting for you all year, Kevin (plus well into the future after that).

You'd think that because we've re-named the award the Kevin Everett Meast of the Week, we'd adopt a more politically correct stance with regards to cheering for injuries. Absa-fuckin-lootly NOT. Are you kidding? Cheering for injuries is part of the fan experience. Listen, we ALL feel badly about Kevin Everett. Nobody wanted him to get hurt. But his injury shouldn't necessitate us feeling guilty about our schadenfreude about other players' injuries.

Take Big Daddy Drew (PLEASE! -ed.), a former Tiki Barber fantasy owner. He has long cheered for Brandon Jacobs to get a knee injury. Actually, that's not true: he's wished for much, much worse. Well, last weekend that vulture finally got his comeuppance. And again, it's really too bad about Kevin Everett, but that fucker Jacobs had it coming. We can't let every somber event get in the way of every long-fantasized fantasy football injury.

So, let's go ahead and re-open the gates on cheering for injuries. From here on out for the rest of the season, go ahead and insert this standard preface into every I-hope-Player-X-gets-injured joke: "The horrible event of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding..."

To warm you up, please practice by putting that statement in front of the following bits of evil that we jokingly (but not really) wish would happen.

...I can't wait until Trent Green gets another concussion.
...if Derek Anderson breaks something, really: Who cares?
...I'd love it if everyone packed into Heinz Field for a Steelers game contracted ebola. Except Steely McBeam.
...I have Michael Turner on my fantasy team, and it would really help me out if LaDainian Tomlinson got hit by a car. Or a bus. Or a train covered in cobras.
...I wish people who take the time to write emails of complaint to bloggers would all die in a government-sponsored fire.
...Terrell Owens is way overdue for karmically-triggered season-ending injuries.
...I hope Green Bay fans who are still fervently devoted to Brett Favre choke on a big silver platter of steaming cock. Your lives are small, meaningless, and not worth prolonging. Do your part to save humanity and kill yourselves.


That's the spirit!


This week's Meast is Randy Moss. He was thrown to nine times for nine catches and 183 yards, including the 51-yard touchdown catch to where he outraced -- ho-hum -- triple coverage.

As with most Measts, though, it's not the numbers we're impressed by, but the meastiness. Moss provided a true statement game, and that statement was, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you. I'm out!" Simply put, Randy Moss's performance was neck-breakingly impressive.

(Oh, fuck off. The Everett preface is supposed to be automatic.)

29 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

Can't wait until Jared Lorenzen chokes on his 9th Krispy Kreme of the morning....

Jon said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding...it should have been you, Greg Lewis.

Michael said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding...if Colin Cowherd had his larynx ripped out by a cougar, life would be good.

grungedave said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding... at least he proved he has a backbone. Unlike some (*cough*MattLeinart*cough*).

Crazy Little Thing said...

Why even have an "in poor taste" tag? Wouldn't every post have that tag then?

Oh, and Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, Kimo Von Wilkes Booth, karma is a bitch.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Whoever wrote this has all the maturity of a 5th grader. Injuries are funny? Shame on you! Some people should not be allowed to write comedy. I guess anyone can have a blog these days!

whowillsexmutombo? said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, Leinart, Brady, and Romo badly need a big fat heaping bowl of burning, leaky VD to get their priorities straight.

Wormfather said...

You knew it would happen and here it is.

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's ingury notwithstanding, I'm tired of these motha fuckin' snakes on this motha fuckin' train!

save the steagles said...

WWSM:

Leinart's spent at least one night in Paris; the leaky VD is a given.

Matt said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's ingury notwithstanding, this Packers fan thinks Favre can eat a fat dick.

lieutenant winslow said...

kevin everett has decided to donate the leftover portions of his spine to gene upshaw.

Awful Chief said...

THEoKEIN, I hope Brian Billick dies in a bizarre gardening accident, like a Spinal Tap drummer or a Detroit Lions left Tackle, for passing on downs 2-4 on the final series Monday night.

The Pirate Sloth said...

The horrible event of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding - I hope that the entire 49ers team has a train run on them by local gay San Franciscans. Without spit.

seamusfurr said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, may Matt Leinart's fling with Paris Hilton come back to haunt both testicles and at least 90% of his taint.

Boy Howdy said...

Maybe the Packers can combine the need to feed the man-love the fans have for Favre with Favre's apparent preference for driving heavy equipment to playing football.

Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, your head groundskeeper for the Green Bay Packers, future Hall of Famer Brett Favre"

Farve: *drives around Lambeau Field on riding mower*

Crowd: *cheers, eats billions of bratwurst*

They'd tailgate and pack the stadium on off-days to watch him mow the lawn.

Robut M. Nixon said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, the Jets now have a QB who doesn't need a Leftwich-length release to deliver a Huard-caliber pass.

/did not cheer when Pennington went down
//maybe just a little bit

leaf said...

Kyle boller drops back, realizes its useless, stabs himself in the throat.

Christmas Ape said...

The horrible events made it so that Kevin Everett is not standing.


Which floor? Oh, Hell, please.

Otto Man said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's ingury notwithstanding, this Packers fan thinks Favre can eat a fat dick.

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, John Madden has volunteered for the job.

Jon said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, here's hoping Tiki Barber makes a triumphant return to the Giants, and during his first game back, the words "Emergency Tracheotomy" are prominently involved.

JAMMQ said...

God bless football being back. CC back with a vengeance.


The horrible event of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding . . . why couldn't it have been Dick Jauron instead.

That fucker is the Rex Grossman of head coaches. Killing my soul one agonizing loss at time.

Steve said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding, he still has better coordination and voluntary motor control than Rex Grossman.

J.L. White said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding...I hope someone breaks Joey Porter's spine. Wait, what was the point of this post again?

5150 said...

Wow, not a single word about Peyton!?

Thank you!

Jay said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding...I see a distinct lack of Mario Williams honoured as this week's meastiest player. Moss was measty and all, but Williams seemed to forget he was playing for a team that has no earthly right to be good and made Damon Huard cry into his pink lace throw pillow. Truly, he is a meast among men.

bizzo5000 said...

"The horrible event of Ed Begley Jr.'s injury notwithstanding... I hope Ray Lewis stabs a guy in the Roger Goodell era.

Edward said...

Hope all you guys trip in your bathtub, crush your C3, and wind up paralyzed for the rest of your miserable lives on a respirator.

swing4 said...

Catholic guilt only allows me to wish long prison terms upon opposing team members. Long, federal, pound you in the ass prison terms.

Unless we're talking about college ball. In which case, even God wants John David Booty to tear an ACL.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

The horrible events of Kevin Everett's injury notwithstanding...Redskins fans everywhere are waiting for Sean Taylor to go all measty on Dan Snyder with a helmet to cranium hit.