Friday, September 7, 2007

Always.Be.Closing. The Leads Are Coming!

No Kevin, I will not let you blow me between takes.


Welcome back to another glorious season of Always Be Covering. Think of this as your source for the worst gambling advice you've heard since Krusty assured you that the Generals were due. In case you're new here-or all of those bingers have destroyed your memory-I'll let Blake give you a (re)introduction as to what we're all about.



Now let's build up these fucking bankrolls so we can make it rain on dem ho's all season long (and contribute to Fisher House!)...

The "Fuck or Walk" Game of the Week

This is the big bet of the week. If I'm picking one game and a new condo's down payment hangs in the balance, this is the one I'd fuck with.

Denver -3 at Buffalo
Normally I'd be banking on a 200 yard performance right out of the gate for Lee Evans, but Champ and 'Dre don't play that shit. As sickening as it may be, Denver is going to dominate teams this year (right up until the playoffs). I just hope Shanny doesn't live to see it.

The Dave Moss Bet of Desperation

This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss was the most desperate man in an office that overflowed with pathetic despair. If he had one more shot he wouldn't have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads, he'd just put everything he had on some toss-up prop bet.

Ahman Green OVER 78.5 yards rushing vs. Kansas City

Remember last year when Kansas City's defense couldn't tackle a dummy? Their big addition was Napoleon Harris and the last time I checked he was shittier than the bathrooms at Heinz Field. Ahman's knees are fresh this time of year and even a few fumbles can't hold him back.

The Ricky Roma Special

I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion... If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way... -Ricky Roma

New York Jets +6.5 vs. New England

Eh, why the fuck not?

Shelley "The Machine" Levene's Gotta Have It Teaser

Poor ol' Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn't have the balls to play things straight up.

Note: All lines have been "teased" by six points (pays 3:1)

San Diego -.5 vs. Chicago
St. Louis +4.5 vs. Carolina
Philadelphia +3 at Green Bay
Minnesota +3 vs. Atlanta

Feel free to share your favorite picks in the comments. And remember, if you take my advice and lose it's not because I was wrong, it's because you're a douchebag and this is fate's way of shoving it right up your ass.

If can't wait for Sunday be sure to check out my college picks over at Deadspin.

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

20 comments:

Dave said...

Glengarry Glen Ross is a great flick

MicroscopicElvis said...

Unsilent! You just cost me $6,000!!! Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac!!!

Thank god ABC and football is back, and I can finally abandon my dream of living in the woods keeping a journal of my thoughts.

dick_gozinia said...

what's MY name???

FUCK YOU....THAT'S my name!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Napoleon Harris and...
Napoleon Harris and...

Herm did a terrible A TERRIBLE job of preparing you for this post.

Wormfather said...

"...to sign the line which is dotted."

"You're a good father? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids"

God that movie is fantastic.

Pemulis said...

i love glengary glenross, i fucking love wall street (that's a nice painting...if you're on mushrooms. you really took a bath on that) but i have to admit. i motherfucking LOVE the shit out of Boiler Room. it rips those better two movies off and makes them amazingly hilarious.

College Wolf said...

Where do you guys gamble at online?

Or, do you all just have local bookies???

I want to get back into online gambling, but ever since that gayass law passed by Bush, I have been hesitant.

Thanks all.

Unsilent Majority said...

www.newbodog.com

Saberrox said...

Napoleon Harris was absolutely awesome by the third year of my Madden Franchise.

Consigliari said...

Forgot three picks this week:

THE "PATEL" GAME
Vishnu himself could hand you 50,000 dollars, say bet on this game, and you wouldn't do it!

Kansas City @ Houston (-2.5)

THE "BRUCE AND BLAH BLAH NYBORG" UPSET OF THE WEEK

Chicago (+5.5) over San Diego

and of course...

THE "JAMES LINK" LOCK OF THE WEEK

That sale was wrapped up before he sat down, and this game is done before kick off.

Seattle (-6) over Tampa Bay

"Have you made...your decision...for CHRIST!"

Sh!tShow said...

Houston -3
Detroit + 2

lieutenant winslow said...

You fuck little girls? so be it.

lieutenant winslow said...

pemulis,

every time i turn on my computer, jamie kennedy says

"yo homes. i need some chocaine. i need some motherfucking nose candy, you knowwhatimsaying? i need some kizzy in my nizzy."

Pemulis said...

cuz im'a git hiiiiigh like a mothafucka!! bring that table ovah hea bi-otch!

naptown drew said...

If Jamie Kennedy spoke every time I turned my PC on, I would never turn it off.

By the way, thank God Will's got yous guys running the weekend shift. Now I won't have to hear how hot Jay Cutler is or how the new Chargers uniforms are "so much prettier than last year."

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah, sorry about last week...

fallex said...

PUT. THAT COFFEE. DOWN.

Vanilla said...

I was going the other way on the Denver game. They've been horrendous in the past when opening on the road, almost as horrendous as my weekly picks are - so that's probably a good sign for your picks.

twoeightnine said...

Now I won't have to hear how hot Jay Cutler is or how the new Chargers uniforms are "so much prettier than last year."

I'm confused. Are you talking about the women or MJD?

Tom said...

Eagles -3 seems like a lock