Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A Peek Inside OJ's Mailbox


Another scrape with the law has brought everyone's favorite Leslie Nielsen sidekick/amateur decapitator back into the public consciousness. Of course white people everywhere are reacting like they've won the lottery (white people winning the lottery? that'll never happen!), the expectation of comeuppance is palpable. In the past few days Orenthal's mailbox has been filling up with thank you notes and messages of admiration from all over the Caucasian community. Let's take a look at some of the more notable inclusions...

Yo OJ,

Just 'cause some assholes stole your shit doesn't mean you can pull out a piece...unless you're in Florida.

Meastly Yours,
Sean Taylor

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Dear Juice,

I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.

Longing Gaping for you,
Kim Kardashian

P.S. I'm not talking about a conjugal trailer...
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Dear Mr. Simpson,

Stay the fuck away from my daughter.

Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian
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Dear OJ,

+1

Your pal,
Robert Blake
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Dear Asshole,

All your memorabilia are belong to us.

Signed,
The Goldmans
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Dear OJ,

Thanks a million!

Sincerely,
Nancy Grace, Dan Abrams, Keith Olbermann, Glen Beck, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Sean Hannity, Shephard Smith, Mark Fuhrman, and every single talk radio host in America
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40 comments:

Noyam said...

Dear Juice,

I can finally afford the next round of lifts and tucks! Thanks!

Love,
Greta Van Sustern

Hustler of Culture said...

Dear Juice,

Thanks for taking a break from looking for me.


Signed,
The Real Killer

Weed Against Speed said...

Dear Juice,

Should we just have hate sex and get it over with?

-Denise B.

Grimey said...

Dear Juice,

I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.


What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Five Pound Bag said...

Dear O.J.,

I've got the ite-way onco-bray, meet at the usual place?

you know who this is dammit!

Unsilent Majority said...

you know who this is dammit!

Kramer?

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Dear Juice,

Uhhhhhhhhhhhngh.

-Marlee Matlin

fallex said...

Deer Joose,

Hav u cen mi flip-flops?

-Kato

Unsilent Majority said...

Robert Kardashian is dead...not that anyone cares.

The Last Unitard said...

OJ,

Hang in there, buddy. We'll get you out of this one, too.

-Johnnie Cochran

/seance

Weed Against Speed said...

Dear Mr. O.J.,

Thanks for divurting the nayshun's attenshun from the war in Irack.

Sinnceerley,

George W. Bush, Eskiwre

Big Daddy Drew said...

Dear Juice,

How's it going, buddy? We still good for our 4AM tee time?

-Don Ohlmeyer

leaf said...

So the cops haven't exactly been there for OJ recently. There's always NOISB.

Noyam said...

Where's the "I can do this all day" tag?

My Insignificant Life said...

OJ:

Can I have your tee off time (while I still have time and before I re-do my hair)?

Phil Spector

Upstate Underdog said...

Dear OJ,

We hope you rot in jail and then hell.

Signed,
Ron and Nicole's corpses

(too soon ?)

Wormfather said...

Dear Juice,

So does this mean you're not going to be able to find my wife's real killer either?

Scott P.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Juice:
You an inspiration. Let's hang for the next 3-5 years.

Michael V., #3847464hjf

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Juice:
While you kicking it with Michael, lemme borrow yo' guns.

Marcus

Pemulis said...

Dear OJ,

Thanks for creating fodder for yet another HIGHLARIOUS headline for our paper. OJ IN A CAN! HA!

XO,

New York Post

Jackin'4Beats said...

Dear OJ -

I finally bagged your sorry ass. That tape recorder set-up works everytime.

Fuck you with a swastika,

Mark "Die Fuhrer" Furhman

Ruthless Gravity said...

Dear Juice,

This time, drive a Chevy

Sincerely,

Ford Motor Company

Unsilent Majority said...

ruthless- that's why they came out with the Ford Escape, preferred car of George Bluth

Pemulis said...

you could hump the hood on that thing!

BigFootFool said...

- Johnny Cochran... Also Dead

If it's his memorabilia you has, get ready for him to shoot yo' ass

leaf said...

Dear Killer

Thanks for publicity stunt. The book revenue should be rolling in any minute now.

Anal-brain.

The Goldman's

Five Pound Bag said...

Hey Juice -

Sydney's mine.

best,
Marcus "Down with OPP" Allen

Matt said...

Dear OJ -

What do you mean I have to stop talking about that murdered baby for five minutes??? What an ungrateful asshole!!

- Nancy Grace


(W/V: gckkcg - Palindromes FTW!)

grungedave said...

Dear OJ -

Good luck using the Chewbacca Defense this time! Johnny C is dead.

/State of Nevada

Rich said...

If the shit be stolen, we be rollin'.

The Cochran Firm

Awful Chief said...

Dear Orenthal,

You were the perfect armed robber -- an armed robber who doesn't know he's an armed robber.

-Ricardo Montalban

My Insignificant Life said...

OJ

If you get bail and need a get-a-way car, call me.

Lance Briggs

Chip Fu said...

Dear O.J.,

The media and fans didn't treat Larry Cszonka like this when he killed a couple of people and robbed folks.

Stay strong,

Donovan McNabb

My Insignificant Life said...

OJ

I'll ride shotgun for you when driving with Briggs.

Tank Johnson

Slash said...

My fave: Dear Mr. Simpson,
Stay the fuck away from my daughter.
Sincerely, Robert Kardashian

I know he's dead. It's still funny. I also enjoyed the Fuhrman one.

My contribution:

Hey, Mr. OJ:

Thanks for making me look good by comparison.

XXXXOOOO

Britney

Robocats said...

It's important to note that when Tank Johnson offers to ride shotgun, he means the gun, not the seat. He also rides M-16, AK-47, and various uzis.

Suss said...

OJ

IT COMES AS GREAT SHOCK TO YOU TO RECEIVE THIS E-MAIL UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, AS YOU ARE UNAWARE OF MY EXISTENCE. I AM NAMED DENIS OMUKUBE, AND I HAVE A LARGE SUM OF MONEY FROZEN IN AN ACCOUNT OF 10 MILLION US BUT WITH THE PROCESSING FEE OF 50000.00 US DOLLARS, I WOULD BE ABLE TO TRANSFER YOU 50 PERCENT OF THE MONIES NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

I AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE ON THIS URGENT MATTER.

CORDIALLY YOURS,
DENIS OMUKUBE

JASON said...

suss- nice call with the spam email...

JASON said...

JUICE-
You have received a new friend request on MySpace from "I Got Your Heisman, Bitch!".
Accept, Deny, or Kill the Cracka?

Tom

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

Dear OJ:

I understand.

-Chris Rock