Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Final Episode: Jesus


Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

Holy shitaroo.

Good God, I am fucking stoned like Lara Flynn Boyle after a visit to the abortion clinic. This is nice. Man, I feel like I’m never gonna come down. Ever.

Wait a second. Never come down?

Oh, snap! Shit on a hockey stick! I have found it! I have, at long last, after all these years, found The Elder Bud! I thought it was just a legend and shit! I never thought it actually existed! They say The Elder Bud was planted thousands of years ago by mountain sherpas at the base of the K2. The sherpas had a saying about it. “He Who Smoketh, Beeth Eternally Fucked Upeth.”

Oh, wow.

I’m stoned for fucking life! I could never smoke again and still be fucked up!

I gotta smoke some more.

(takes another hit)

Oh, God. I’m so high. I can barely think in English. Flibba flobba floopa. Dingo mango shakey shakey!

(Jesus appears)


Jesus: Michael.

Vick: Holy fuck! Jesus!

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save you. Are you ready to be saved?

Vick: Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you have no fuckin’ idea how happy I am to see you. Yes, yes I would like to be saved. So, how’s this work? Do you appear in front of my judge and hypnotize him and shit?

Jesus: Michael, I am not here to save you from jail.

Vick: No? Well, pardon me, Jesus, but that’s kinda fucked up.

Jesus: Michael, I am here to save your soul. You have been corrupted by mortal sin. You have lost faith in me, and you have lost faith in yourself. You must learn kindness, and grace. You must learn that the beauty in life comes from loving others, be they people, or dogs, or any other species.

Vick: (cries) Oh, God. What have I done?

Jesus: I know that this can’t be easy for you.

Vick: No, it’s The Elder Bud. I desperately need Visine. Can you turn some water into saline for me?

Jesus: I cannot do that, Michael. I can only offer you eternal salvation.

Vick: Well, that’s all well and good, Jesus. But what I need right now is some motherfuckin' moisture.

Jesus: Michael, you need to pay heed. You’ve already paid the price for your wrongdoing in this life. You’re going to jail. You’ve lost your job. You’ve lost material wealth. But don’t you see how much more there is to lose? It isn’t too late. You can repent. You must be willing to give yourself to Me. Will you join me, Michael? Will you be saved?

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

Vick: Can we get some Chinese food first or something? I’m sorry, Jesus, but I can’t concentrate on shit until I get some egg foo young up in this bitch.

Jesus: Oh, forget it.

(disappears)

Vick: Hey! Hey Jesus, where’d you go? I thought we could play some DDR and shit! Wow, I found The Elder Bud and Jesus on the same day. That is fucking solid.

(takes bong hit)

This is a gonna be a great year.

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

21 comments:

Hooks Orpik said...

bravo!

thanks for the laughs mike vick. just when you couldn't fuck it up anymore, you did.

without vick this off-season would have been really, really gay (i'm lookin at you brady quinn).

Unsilent Majority said...

Can you turn some water into saline for me?

+4.20

Signal to Noise said...

Good God, I am fucking stoned like Lara Flynn Boyle after a visit to the abortion clinic.

That line almost made me cry laughing.

ColeTrain said...

I’m sorry, Jesus, but I can’t concentrate on shit until I get some egg foo young up in this bitch.

I lost it here...

Gridiron Goddess said...

“He Who Smoketh, Beeth Eternally Fucked Upeth.”

HAHAHHAHAHA BRILLIANCE once again Drew!

My Insignificant Life said...

“He Who Smoketh, Beeth Eternally Fucked Upeth.”


+ 3.16

Wormfather said...

"Elder Bud"

Dude, you read Harry Potter, dont even try to fake it.

Big Daddy Drew said...

WF, I never would.

Weed Against Speed said...

Jesus would have totally partook in nugs session before splitting.

Wormfather said...

Good point, that last book was pretty good and reference was on point.

+1

lieutenant winslow said...

i call shenanigans. ookie firmly believes that a sherpa is one of wierd dogs with the curly tails

ColonelStinkmeaner said...

Holy crap!! What happened to Jesus?? Why does he look like a white boy? Oh, do you KSKers still think...... oh how cute, that is really special. Does that help you follow christianity..... thinking Jesus was white? I'll bet you think Moses is white too huh? Neat.

ColonelStinkmeaner said...

When the old boy Heyzeus returns as a Lion, the first thing he's gonna do is eat a muthafuckin Pit Bull. Watch.

Wrd Verif: ooqkm, so close to ookie Jesse must be in the house.

Wormfather said...

I know its late in the day and no one cares but check this out.

In Peter Kings Weekly Pick-Off today he said the following:

"Marshawn Lynch has the Broncos' front seven for Marshawn Lunch and takes the early rookie-of-the-year lead. But here's the Denver Post headline Monday morning: Cutler Buffaloes Bills With 4 TDs"

http://www.fannation.com/peter_king_challenge/pickoff

Now at 12:03 he said:

"3. Speaking of Denver, Jay Cutler could struggle on the road in a very loud environment at Buffalo with a couple of cut-loose blitzers in Donte Whitner and Coy Wire."

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/peter_king/09/06/10things.week1/index.html

WTF!?!? I want to send an email blasting him, but I figured I'd wait until next week to see if he tries to give him self credit for predicting Cutler's performance Sunday.

Wormfather said...

See what kills is that the second article was a fantasy focus...how bad would cutler need to fuck up to blow a 4TD day for his fantasy owner?

My Insignificant Life said...

@ ColonelStinkmeaner

Moses looked alot like Charlton Heston

lieutenant winslow said...

i always pictured moses as looking more like mel brooks

twoeightnine said...

Vick is not solid. There are many things better than Vick.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Can I get some General Tso's up in this bi-ayatch? Red Stripe is my bestest friend.

Slash said...

My favorite part is still the (processes)... every time I see that, I laugh and laugh...

This is good, too:

Oh, God. I’m so high. I can barely think in English. Flibba flobba floopa. Dingo mango shakey shakey!

Is this the magic incantation that makes Jesus appear? And when did Chris Robinson play Jesus in a movie?

Amanda said...

Totally lost it at the "barely think in English" part. Gave myself a headache from trying to hold back ridiculous laughter in my cubicle.

Ow.