Friday, September 21, 2007

Ape is Sticking Around This Frozen Banana Stand

I almost quit KSK this week.

I had drafted a resignation letter and everything. It was heartfelt and affecting, contrite yet cogent, and, if you can believe it, it even had a few Simpsons references.

You see, though I work for this paper, which on its face may seem like a cool job, my position occupies a deadening vortex of fluff piecery from which I cannot escape. See, carping about your job is much worse than bitching about your fantasy team. After getting turned down for another two positions elsewhere this week, I figured I needed to knuckle down and turn my full attention to furthering my career. That meant no more blogging about dick jokes and construda and how much I wish the Ravens to be wiped clean from the Earth.

Luckily, a sagacious voice called out from the darkness to remind me of that vital lesson that quitting is for losers and working harder at your job is for saps and the Chinese.

To use an NFL analog, KSK imbues my ugly, odious workdays the way the Ea-gals vastly improve the Hazmat quality 75th anniversary throwback uniforms Philly will be wearing this weekend. And I thought the Steelers' throwbacks were horrific. Then again, these are just ungodly enough to ward off Jon Kitna's miracle inducing powers, which he summons by having the hand of God rub his fuzzy head.

Thanks as always to the Professional Cheerleader Blog.

36 comments:

BeaverFever said...

5 > 36. however, yes and yes.

Pemulis said...

there's always money in the banana stand



also. job hunting fucking blows.

flubby said...

We told you to quit using J-Peazy as a reference.

Hooks Orpik said...

I've always wanted to hate-fuck girls that stand with their legs and feet like the last picture. Something about that pose gives me a strange sense of schadenfreude or something.

Ggrrrraahhh!

Steve said...

Well, if you need cash I'll give you twenty bucks to kick David Broder in the clit.

My Insignificant Life said...

can we at least see the letter to determine if we should appreciate you not submitting it and figure out how grateful we need to be for you tossing it to the side?

side note - I am grateful for the cheerleader pics - making working on Friday semi-worth it.

BeaverFever said...

Why are those shiny stockings required gear for cheerleaders ? I would prefer them to be wearing thigh-highs

Big Jim Slade said...

Have you thought about lending your likeness to a Mr. Banana Grabber character? Just make sure to retain the animation rights...

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ beaverfeaver:

these are my comments to your two posts.

Yes. and YES.

@Ape: Tell D. Graham I said hey. Dude can play some mean softball.

becky said...

I have come to expect so much more from the Friday T&A.
Employment is overrated.
But the Ape is still pure gold.

Matt said...

I bet #5 gives GREAT helmet.

leaf said...

Namath never wore the shiny stocking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23dBG27gnuU

SDW said...

5 > 36

Not in weight.

dick_gozinia said...

Is George Michael still managing the banana stand?

Cheerleaders and Hooters girls both have those shitty leggings on while they work. I don't get it either.

Big Daddy Drew said...

YOU CAN'T GO! ALL THE PLANTS ARE GONNA DIE!

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

Sir,

We were wondering which KSK blogger was on the verge of exit.

As there was clearly a movement afoot to draft us to fill the position.

We thank all those that were demanding our presence here and for supporting our rumored take over of KSK.

Many thanks.

Upstate Underdog said...

great quote from Stripes, BDD. if anyone here hasn't seen it, rent it this weekend.

John said...

Make Ape Mr. Manager and let him hire an employee to work with him. That'll keep him around.

We just say manager.

Doesn't matter who.

Pemulis said...

You're going to take your cousin to work with you. And don't be afraid to ride her. Hard.

king of the herculoids said...

so if ape leaves, does that mean falco comes back from the dead?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Anyone who wants it is gonna get it, anyone who doesn't want it is gonna get it worse!

LaRons said...

Sally Jenkins? Is that you, you hairy bitch?

Otto Man said...

Well, if you need cash I'll give you twenty bucks to kick David Broder in the clit.

I'll pony up another $20 for that noble cause.

Rusty said...

Next time Laura Sessions Stepp walks into the Post HQ, do me a favor and tell her to go fuck herself.

jessica rita said...

@ beaverfever: in highschool/college, there's no need for the nude, shimmery, theatrical pantyhose. I guess cheerleaders start worrying about cellulite at the NFL stage?

Either way, it's fucking gross. It's why most girls I know (myself included) would never be a Hooters girl. That, and the LA Gear hightops.

naptown drew said...

Hey Ape, you're a fucking pussy. Buck up and get your ass back out to that banana stand before I pay the Dave Matthews Band to play a double show right outside your humble abode.

Bill said...

A friend of mine asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said no.

But I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah.

/hedberg

JAMMQ said...

Ape don't go. Your stuff is great.

Plus how will we get the inside perspective on the misery a Steeler fan feels once they start playing real teams . . .

And we don't need more muslims, the chicks took over this site once and they fucking ruined it, just like they have the Deadspin comments section.

Bitches.

Anyway, Keep Voltron intact.

Peace.

Pagoda said...

Muslims = Chicks? Jammq, you confused me (not hard to accomplish). Don't see the connection. That's what 10 Jack & Cokes plus an unknown amount of beer does to a person.

JAMMQ said...

Nobody takes over KSK.

The Gay Mafia runs shit here.

That should clear up any confusion.

mamacita said...

Ape, have they seen your MS Paint portfolio? How could anybody turn that down?

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smurphette said...

Ape, you can't leave! You'll break omar cruz's heart.

Robocats said...

well played, smurphette, very well played

Mr & Mrs said...

You work for the washingpost ?.... Holy fuck are you Michael Wilbon?!?!?!?! Love that shit you do on PTI!

Slash said...

I was prepared to be impressed until I saw it was WaPo, then I hit the back button in disgust.

I kid. Seriously, blogging allows you (meaning anyone) to channel all the impotent rage they feel into typing instead of stabbing. Blogging saves lives. And it is an invaluable source of dick jokes.