Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Few Good Football Players

Following DeAngelo Hall's 67-yard smorgasbord of penalties on a single game-losing drive, Falcons coach Bobby Petrino promised some "in-house" repercussions not only for Hall's misdeeds, but for his petulance on the sideline immediately afterward as well. Additionally, Pro Football Talk -- which we of course hold in very high regard -- reported this:

"There are rumors that Hall was beaten up by one or more teammates in the locker room after the game. One reader described the rumored incident as a "Code Red."


SCENE 1


COACH PETRINO sits in his office with assistant coach JOE WHITT JR. They discuss Hall's series of costly mistakes.



WHITT: I think the best thing for us to do is trade him. Right away. He's still a shut-down cornerback, and we have glaring needs at, oh, every other position on the field.


PETRINO: Hmmmm... trade DeAngelo. Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that's the thing to do.

Wait a minute, I have a better idea. Let's trade the whole secondary to another team. Let's... On second thought, the defense! Let's trade the whole defense to some team for a quarterback who doesn't play piano. Joe, go on out there get those boys out of practice, they're packing their bags. Mary!

[A secretary enters]

MARY: Yes, sir!

PETRINO: Get me Las Vegas on the phone right away. We're surrendering our season to the Buccaneers! Because obviously the Saints suck too fucking hard to win a single game in this sorry division!

MARY: Yes, sir.

PETRINO: Wait a minute, Mary, don't get the Commissioner just yet. Maybe we should consider this a second. Dismissed, Mary.

Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, maybe, we have a responsibility as coaches to train DeAngelo. Maybe we as coaches have a responsibility to this league to see to it that the men charged with stinking up the NFC South are trained professionals. Yes, I'm certain I remember reading that somewhere once. And now I'm thinking, Assistant Coach Whitt, that your suggestion of trading DeAngelo, while expeditious and certainly painless, might not be, in a matter of speaking, the American way. DeAngelo stays where he is. We're gonna train the lad!


SCENE 2


A bright but young commissioner named ROGER GOODELL, accompanied by his wallflower friend GENE UPSHAW, goes to meet with the MEDIA.



GOODELL: Hi. I'm Roger Goodell. I was told to meet with... (checks notes) the media? About a briefing.

MEDIA: You're the commissioner that Tagliabue assigned?

GOODELL: I'm the HNIC. This is Gene Upshaw.

UPSHAW: I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.

MEDIA: Come in, please, have a seat... Commissioner, how long have you held your position?

GOODELL: About a year now.

MEDIA: And how long have you been dealing with troubled players?

GOODELL: A little less than that.

MEDIA: (pause) I see.

GOODELL: Have I done something wrong?

MEDIA: No. It's just that when I petitioned the NFL for a new commissioner, I was hoping I'd be taken seriously.


SCENE 3


The MEDIA and Commissioner GOODELL travel to Atlanta to meet with Coach PETRINO and Assistant Coach Whitt. Pleasantries are exchanged before business.

MEDIA: Coach Petrino, are you still close with your old team?

[PETRINO smiles and nods.]

GOODELL: [making the connection] The Louisville Cardinals?

PETRINO: Yes sir.

GOODELL: Well, what do you know! [to WHITT] Son, this man once made a lot of enemies down in your neck of the woods. Made some trouble in the SEC. The folks down there said a Big East team couldn't compete for the national title, Bobby Petrino said we'll just see about that. [to PETRINO] How the hell is your old team?

PETRINO: They just suffered the biggest upset in the history of college football.

GOODELL: Well... don't I feel like the fuckin' asshole.

PETRINO: Not at all, commissioner.

SCENE 4


A tense courtroom battle hinges on a gamble by the audacious GOODELL.

GOODELL: I WANT THE TRUTH!

PETRINO: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns, by which I mean large biceps. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Michael Vick?

I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for DeAngelo, and you curse the Falcons. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That DeAngelo's death, while tragic, probably saved yards. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves yards. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about in luxury boxes, you want me on that sideline. You need me on that sideline.

We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a football, and throw a deep post pattern, because Harrington's no good at that. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to.


GOODELL: Did you order the code red?

PETRINO: I did the job you sent me to do.

GOODELL: Did you order the code red?

PETRINO: YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I DID!!!

31 comments:

SarahS said...

Brady Quinn prefers receiving a Code Pink.

Luis Bup said...

So Mike Vick = Lt. Weinberg? I don't think he's short enough. But seriously, that was always my favorite part about Jessup's rant--the fact that he unnecessarily and venomously spews out the words "Lt. Weinberg" with enough disdain to get the point across that his character is not merely a megalomaniac, but also an anti-Semite. Nicholson rules.

swing4 said...

So that's why all the girls call you Longshank.

Also, as a point of interest, the Navy just got new "throwback" uniforms. I expect them to be about as well received as the Eagles' ones this past weekend.

steve said...

whats wrong with SDBs? very comfortable. especially if you just wear a bib

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

Nice bit of role-switching in Scene 3, CC.

One of the best courtroom scenes in modern movies. Of course, now I'm going to spend my day imagining Ufford piss-drunk somewhere screaming at some asshat that he fucked with the wrong Marine.

Alex said...

Oh, I forgot. You were sick the day they taught football at football school

save the steagles said...

This may be my favorite piece of prose ever to appear on KSK. Although I was disappointed the media was not more endowed.

I'd like to think you were able to write this whole thing from memory; it would really add to the legend and mystique that is Captain Caveman.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

It's difficult to read Goodell as anything less than a tyrant. Otherwise it was awesome.

grungedave said...

So what are we gonna talk about next, Rex Grossman's favorite color?

Slims said...

Wow. Easily in the Top 5 funniest things I've read on this site.

Nice of you to sub JAG for HNIC in Act 2.

Smello said...

Now I'm going to have to watch this movie after work.

Walk softly and carry an armored tank division, I always say.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Why does Joey Harrington always get typed cast as the stripper who is just doing it to pay for medical school...

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Does Aunt Ginny have a barn? We could hold practice there. I could sew the uniforms... maybe his Uncle Goober could play quarterback.

Grimey said...

YOU'RE A LOUSY FUCKING SOFTBALL PLAYER, UFF

Wormfather said...

CC, how does it feel to write that brilliant peice only to have it topped by Sarah's 7 words?

SDW said...

Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a football, and throw a deep post pattern, because Harrington's no good at that.

True. And funny. Kudos.

Geoff said...

So what were DBs Milloy and Williams going to testify to?

Vanilla said...

That was brilliant!

"Believe me gentlemen there is nothing sexier than a woman that you have to salute in the morning."

LadyAndrea said...

Andrea: That wasn't funny.
CC: It was a little funny.
Andrea: Captain, would you feel very insulted if I recommended to BDD that he assign a different writer?
CC: Why?
Andrea: I don't think you're fit to handle this post.
CC: You don't even know me. Ordinarily it takes someone hours to discover I'm not fit to handle a post.

Oh come on, that was damn funny.

JAMMQ said...

No wonder Ufford hates commenters.

Braveheart + A Few Good Men + Blog Commenters(myself included) + Marine Training = surly.

My Insignificant Life said...

GOODELL: So this what the inside of a locker room looks like.

Abrassive said...

I was kind of hoping that the sex cannon would bust into the court room to confess that it was he that had worked over Hall O-ring until it was the size of a coffee can.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Without scrolling, I knew this was CC's work. GG Corps.

Think you could work a little Sands of Iwo Jima into a post?

leaf said...

RE: Scene/role switching. So is it Goodell or Upshaw that should be asked if they've ever received a blow job from a superior officer?

lieutenant winslow said...

ohhh, you STRENUOUSLY object?

Yes, I'll have another said...

So maybe it was a dime bag of oregano in Vick's Aquafina bottle.

Class D Misdemeanor, 15 days restrictive duty.

SlickBomb said...

Amazing, amazing movie.

"I'll rip out your throat and puke down your NECK!!"

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

Where's my construda? I think better with my construda.

Signal to Noise said...

Brilliance, sir.

Babydaddy said...

Disappointing that you ride for Few Good Men--twenty years ago and Aaron Sorkin had already commenced Operation Suck. Weak as a Marine movie and as a court martial movie--you're better off with Full Metal for the former and Breaker Morant and Caine Mutiny for the latter.

Jedd said...

Hall: Can I play on Sunday?

Petrino: You gotta ask me nicely. I can take losing, crying, and blood. I don't want money or championships. What I do want is for you, with your faggoty uniform and big fucking mouth to extend me some fucking courtesy. You gotta ask me nicely.