Tuesday, September 11, 2007

KSK Gamebook: Week 1


-This week’s GameBook took place at The Lighthouse Bar in beautiful Dewey Beach on the Delaware coast. The Delaware coast: It’s like the Jersey shore, only 20% fatter! I blame all the Pennsylvanians.

-I have the good fortune of having Sunday Ticket, but since we were out of town for the weekend, I was forced to go to a bar to watch the games. The one great thing about going to a bar to watch the games is that there are enough TV’s to show every game. I only own two TV’s, and my wife did not allow me to put them in the same room. When I grow up, I’m totally buying a large bank of nine TV’s. It’ll be just like the bonus round on MTV’s “Remote Control”. Only, instead of Suzanne Vega videos, they will show football. I also want the option of showing a single game across all nine monitors. I’d totally feel like a Bond villain if I had that. On non-football days, I’d put porn on all the TV’s and turn my living room into my own peep show booth. You know you’ve made it when you’re your own jizzmopper.

-The other bonus of watching the games at a bar is that you can tell when something interesting is happening in some other game simply by the sound cues. If the Eagles fans start going apeshit, you know it’s time to turn your head. If Browns fans start shouting, “Oh, fuck!”, then you know the Steelers have scored again. If Chiefs fans start shouting, then that means… just kidding. Chiefs fans didn’t say a goddamn word all day. And so on and so forth. You can absorb the important stuff from most games without diverting attention to your game.

-Then again, watching from a bar gives you far too many opportunities to cheat on your team’s game. I was watching Falcons-Vikings. Apart from any time Adrian Peterson touched the ball, this was not a terribly exciting game. So my eye drifted from time to time. Then I had to guilt-trip myself into looking back. I feel like such an infidel.

-Dear Bill Simmons: You do not fucking deserve to enjoy Randy Moss being on your team. Seriously, fuck you.

I watched the game at my friend Jimmy's house, where he has a big plasma surrounded by three smaller plasmas in the kitchen (where all the food is)

Gee, I wonder who your friend Jimmy is! And I’m so awed at how great your TV-viewing experience was! Your life is so awesome! Fucking arrogant cocksucker. I hope you get raped by a fucking truck.

-I’ve got you figured out, small beach resort towns. You can’t fool me. You’re all the same and I know it. I even found the template for your design:
-One homemade ice cream shop
-About 75 novelty t-shirt shops (“Freelance Gynocolegist”? That’s fucking GOLD!)
-One surf shop with bathing suits starting at $75 and up
-About 95 candy shops. I’ll take your chocolate-covered gummi bears and raise you a 5” diameter chocolate-covered pretzel rod.
-At least one shop that sells nothing but seashell windchimes
-At least one arcade, exclusively populated by people who are far too old to be hanging out in an arcade
-At least 10 restaurants that only serve food that is “flash fried”. I don’t believe this is any different from normal frying. It just sounds more impressive. Wow, flash fried! They must fry that shit up lickety split!

-I spent the majority of my time in the ocean diving underwater and then pretending I was Adrian Peterson running in a slow-mo NFL films clip. I also wore a pink Vineyard Vines bathing suit that my mom bought for me at Marshall's. Who’s Brady Quinn’s next boyfriend? -->this guy<--

-Speaking of gay, joining me at the bar was none other than Jamie Mottram, complete in a “Frerotte Is Fr’Real” t-shirt. Jamie is a handsome fellow. I’m glad he counterbalances it by wearing shirts that make him look like a complete tool. Watching his face when Jon Jansen went down with a brutal ankle injury? Priceless.

-I have no relevant football insight this week, not that I ever do. The NFC is awful and any team, literally, can win it. The Patriots and Colts are clearly better than everyone else. And if Brady Quinn isn’t on the field by next week, you Cleveland folks have every justifiable excuse to burn your city down. Please do so.

UPDATE: Now THIS is a Mottram t-shirt I can support.

24 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

BDD, you forgot about the sub and pizza joints every beach town also has to have.

MicroscopicElvis said...

Isn't the "World Famous Clam Chowder" restaurant also mandatory?

Big Daddy Drew said...

BDD, you forgot about the sub and pizza joints every beach town also has to have.

Good point. I couldn't fall down without hitting a fucking Grotto Pizza.

lieutenant winslow said...

... where he has a big plasma surrounded by three smaller plasmas in the kitchen

thats pretty much what i imagine heaven to be like. you know, but with bong hits and asian girls.

Weed Against Speed said...

Drew, your mom is probably wondering if you were wearing your floaties in the ocean. You should call her. She worries about you.

Upstate Underdog said...

@microscopicelvis, You must be thinking of Cape Cod. I think you get more "World famous Crab Cakes" down on the Delaware/Maryland shore.

Claude Balls said...

Face it, the Delaware and Maryland beaches suck. You would be much better off driving the extra hour to the Outer Banks.

Of course, I haven't been to the Outer Banks in 4 years, so they probably fucked that up too.

Shan said...

telling cleveland to burn their city down is the smartest thing ive heard all day.

Claude Balls said...

Oh, did you have to listen to any J - E - T - S, Jets Jets Jets! cheers? No? I would think that that would at least soothe some of the Bill Simmons resentment.

Grimey said...

I also wore a pink Vineyard Vines bathing suit that my mom bought for me at Marshall's.

Oh! Look who doesn't have to buy his own swimwear! Your life is so awesome! Fucking arrogant cocksucker. I hope you get raped by a fucking truck.

fallex said...

Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm pretty sure the Vikes have to play actual NFL teams the rest of the way.

/Falcon fan bitterness.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Extremely well played, Grimey.

Otto Man said...

Chiefs fans didn’t say a goddamn word all day.

Yes we did. I said goddamn all day long.

BigFootFool said...

I spent the majority of my time in the ocean diving underwater and then pretending I was Adrian Peterson running in a slow-mo NFL films clip

That's funny I went underwater and pretended I was Joey Harrington getting the shit sacked out of me in a slow-mo NFL films clip... It's hard to imitate Harry Kalas' narration underwater.

Otto Man said...

Speaking of gay, joining me at the bar was none other than Jamie Mottram, complete in a “Frerotte Is Fr’Real” t-shirt.

When the Redskins scored, did Jamie celebrate by ramming his head into a wall at full speed and spraining his neck?

If he didn't, then he's a Frerotte Fraud. Fr'Real.

rand said...

bdd, did you drink orange crushes, listen to love seed mama jump, and put up with amateur drinking hour every friday and saturday?

at least on tuesday nights we have $1 everything at northbeach. skulledfucked drunk on $20 and impressing 21 year old dc girls by showing them you own a boat is the balls.

Chuckles said...

@ otto man

Chiefs fans didn’t say a goddamn word all day.

I know I said "fuck" a lot more times during that game than a certain group of people running Deadspin did the entire weekend, despite their promises of profanity and tits.

Wormfather said...

BBD You forgot the overpriced seafood place with the racist fucks.

True Story: About 5 years ago I was dating this itallian girl, lets call her Moodybitchthatcantstopcomplainingever Salvo, we went down to the shore for the weekend (Wildwood sucks/rocks depending on the day). Well we were walking around in cape may one lovely saturday, for those who dont know, Cape May is filled with a ton of old people who think that somehow Northern Maryland is below the Mason-Dixon Line. Anyway, so as we walk everyone is looking at us and making snide comments, me, I'm just taking it in, it's actually funny...not Moodybi... after about five minutes she's had enough and in the middle of the square screams YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK ALL THESE OLD NOSY ALMOST DEAD PEOPLE JUST NEED TO GET LAID.

The relationship ended a month later.

/threadjack No. 2

Matt said...

@ chuckles
@ otto man

The only thing better than the win was the reaction from Chiefs fans. Thank you both.

smurphette said...

um, actually, northern Maryland IS below the Mason-Dixon Line. but the point about annoying old people is dead on.

The Last Unitard said...

I don't even bother to worship regular Jesus anymore.

Brian said...

BDD, you were in Dewey. You didn't need the pink bathing suit to let people know you were gay.

Otto Man said...

The only thing better than the win was the reaction from Chiefs fans. Thank you both.

You're welcome. If you're from or, God forbid, still living in Houston, then Lord knows you could use some bright spots in your life. That town has all the charm and excitement of the Brezhnev funeral.

Illegal Immigrant said...

What is it with you guys and shit? OK, I get the whole Gay Mafia thing, the whole poop sex leads to poopy penis thing, but every week it's some sort of combination of man and turd.

If it wasn't for your cheerleader posts, I just might start thinking about considering maybe applying for a job. Kinda.