Monday, September 17, 2007

The Best Defense is a Good Offense. Having a Defense Helps, Too.


--------------------------------Thursday-----------------------------

Marvin Lewis: Goddamit Deltha O'Neal! What is this I hear about your Rott attacking a woman and her daughter?

O'Neal: They was asking for it. Literally, they said "please, doggie, bite us viciously in our ass and legs," at least that's what the canine psychic said Dogtha O'Kee-ill said they said to him. Anyway, I wasn't even arrested, coach.

Lewis: It don't matter. I don't need any headlines like this. The more these things crop up, the more heat I get. Mike Brown has already made it apparent that he's cool with me missing the playoffs, so long as I don't need to have anymore sit-downs with the Rog about player discipline. So we're spending the rest of the week learning about comportment and etiquette. We're off to the Skyline School for Wayward Bengals.

O'Neal: But coach, we haven't finished preparing for the Browns.

Lewis: You let me worry about that. I'm not getting shitcanned on account of your antics.



-------------------------------Sunday---------------------------------

Lewis: Okay, I want you guys to have a well-mannered, professional game out there. I want you to stay the fuck away from that Jamal Lewis guy. He's gonna steer you wrong, get you into that bad shit. Under no circumstances are you to interact with him.

Michael Myers: Aren't we gonna need to tackle him though?

Lewis: The fuck I just stay? Keep away from the muthafucka.

/Jamal Lewis runs for a 43-yard touchdown.

Caleb Miller: Coach! I was gonna tackle Jamal, but he was trying to offer me a good price on an ounce of rock, so I let him go right on by.

Lewis: You did the right thing. That's some fine work, son.

/Braylon Edwards catches a 60-yard touchdown pass.

Leon Hall: Coach, man, dawg, we gotta do something. We're gonna lose to the goddamn Browns. You know embarassing this is?

Lewis: Don't try to lecture me on defense. I was a defensive coach for the Steelers, Ravens and Redskins when they all had top-ranked units. Didn't you go to Michigan? You should know about embarassing losses. App State, right?

Hall: Uh, that was this year's team. I entered the draft following last season.

Lewis: Well, Detroit's in Michigan, right? Still the murder capital of the country, isn't it? But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Leon?

Hall: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in Detroit!

Lewis: You just don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Leon Hall?

/Kellen Winslow scores on a 73-yard pass and doesn't even bother to run half the way.

Defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan: Marvin, I don't know about this idea to let at-risk youth design our defensive schemes.

Lewis: And why the fuck not? We need something to burnish our image with the community.

Bresnahan: Well, for starters, on this first play, we got one defensive lineman lined up, eight people covering Joe Jurevicius and two guys selling bootleg CDs on the 30-yard line.

Lewis: They got the new Talib?

Bresnahan: What?

Lewis: Nothing.

...

Forget it. Just follow the kid's plays, would ya?

/Derek Anderson throws another eight TDs.

Lewis: Contract extension, here I come.



14 comments:

milesdavis said...

nice gambling advice on this one UM

Steve said...

Yea, Cinci just cost me the KSK Suicide League.

WTF, seriously? My childhood 85lb league could beat Cleveland. Hell, my Redskins could beat Cleveland.

Dale said...

Well at least there's one thing we can all agree on, and that's Cleveland has the best offense in the league.

Derek Anderson just fucked your sisters, Cincy.

Otto Man said...

Lewis: You just don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Leon Hall?

Nice one, Saxy Boy.

innsbruckmatt1 said...

Good post Ape. I wonder if the at risk youth are available to help script the dolphins offense

The Pirate Sloth said...

Fucking Bengals. They just cost me my OTHER Suicide pool.

But at least they didn't lose to the Cardinals.

Greg Schuler said...

Is it possible for a web site to exist and not quote the Simpsons?

smeos said...

Fuck you, pirate sloth. I'm still raw about that.

I hate you, Matt Hasselbeck.

Slash said...

Best football-related blog post title ever.

Slash said...

I felt bad for the woman and the kid in the dog biting thing until I found out her name is Jasmie and the kid's name is Jaiden (and the kid is a boy). Then I felt that a little dog biting (nonfatal, of course) was justified. Maybe we need mean dogs in every OB unit in the country to keep awful names like "Jaiden" from happening.

The Pirate Sloth said...

smeos

I hate Shaun for that stupid fucking play. That god damn smiling idiot needs to learn his fucking plays.

Jay said...

Bresnahan: Well, for starters, on this first play, we got one defensive lineman lined up, eight people covering Joe Jurevicius and two guys selling bootleg CDs on the 30-yard line.

I see nothing wrong with this, in fact if more teams adopted this set-up I think we'd see injuries to Aaron Moorehead and other such smarmy pricks go up a good thousand percent.

Unsilent Majority said...

Lewis: They got the new Talib?

of course!

Daron said...

These things are sort of like The Dugout, only half as funny.