The final tally is in from our KsK Kares Charity Drive:
The total donations raised for Fisher House: $1,565. It just goes to prove: KSK is here for the children. We're not just here for the dick jokes, people. We're here to give back to the community, and then to brag about just how much we gave back in order to justify being total fucking dicks. I feel great!
39 of you donated, which averages out to about $40 a donation. Jesus, you people are loaded. Why can't you give ME any of that money? Huggies are never discounted at Giant, god dammit. Everyday low prices, my ass.
So take pride, you charitable souls, and spend this weekend celebrating yourselves. Drink 1,565 beers. Eat 1,565 flautas. Beat up 1,565 Patriot fans. Write a 1,565-word epic poem about yourself in the original Latin (mine is called The Drewterralogue). Spend 1,565 seconds giving your loved one oral pleasure. Dial 1-565-156-5156 and harass whoever's on the other end. Refresh your NFL GameCenter 1,565 times. Spend $15.65 in takeout money. You could get three chicken finger subs instead of just one, fatty! Call your mother and give her a 1,565-word diatribe about how she doesn't appreciate you enough.
$1,565. Nicely done, people. Here's a cheerleader in lingerie. You should tell her about just how giving you are. Maybe she'll acknowledge you presence for longer than 1.565 seconds.
QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I'll be on WCCO Radio in Minneapolis this evening at 10:10 Central Time. You can listen here. if you so choose. I will not be sober.
UPDATE: Oops. Interview postponed to Monday.