Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Crotchety Old Coot vs. Snotty Little Shit. WHO YA GOT?














As I've detailed in the recent past, my father's 49ers fandom has been the cause of considerable turmoil in the House of Ape, particularly father dearest's insistence on belaboring the Niners spotless Super Bowl record. This week's contest of the week could fleetingly put the battle to rest, at least for the remainder of this year, as 2-0 San Francisco travels to 2-0 Pittsburgh. It's on like Donkey Kong, you old fuck.

Contestants

A(pe)A(pe)RP________________________Christmas Ape

Age

59____________________________25

Height

6' 2"___________________________6'1"

Weight

205 lbs________________________180 lbs.

Notable accomplishments

Vietnam War veteran, father of Christmas Ape ____ Pinewood Derby runner-up

Listens to

Rod Stewart, Nat King Cole ____________Mos Def, Charles Mingus, White Stripes

Favored insult

"commie pervert"_________________"pussy basket"

Significant factoid

Fucks Xmas Ape's mom _______________Pees in his dad's strained carrots


Finishing move

Going to bed before 8 p.m._________________Going to bed alone on a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.


34 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

Ape's pain is our gain.

Upstate Underdog said...

my money is on the old man for 2 reasons. I'm pretty sure fathers will always be able to beat their sons in a fight and I am also a father.

Is there a wager on this game between the 2 of you ?

Christmas Ape said...

I hate betting on the Steelers and consider it bad luck, but the old asshole suckered me into it. This is not good.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oh, and Steelers by 10.

Signal to Noise said...

Make sure to enjoy your winnings in deviant ways, Ape. This game won't be close.

Unsilent Majority said...

The Pinewood Derby is more intense than some silly Tet Offensive

Matt said...

Yeah, I've got Daddy Ape winning and covering the spread.

Pemulis said...

I just want to watch you throw barrels at each other

JAMMQ said...

Is that Al Davis pictured as the Crotchety Old Coot?

Derrick said...

Old men have unnatural strength, but only when dealing with their own kids. For example, I could probably whip Ape's dad, and Ape could probably whip mine.
But, my dad would kick my ass, and Ape's dad would kick his.
I attribute this to years of intimidation, belt whippings, and dad knowing exactly where to grab me to cause leg crippling pain.

mamacita said...

My money's on you, Oedipus.

Chuck said...

my money is on the old man for 2 reasons. I'm pretty sure fathers will always be able to beat their sons in a fight and I am also a father.

Good thing you are not also a son or half your reasoning would be for shit.

Much as I am on the old man's side, I fear that the Steelers are going to win this one without much trouble. That is of course, unless someone kidnaps Hostler and replaces him with an OC who actually has a pair of testicles.

Upstate Underdog said...

@chuck, yeah maybe I could have worded that better. I don't write so good.

to sum it up: Dads > sons in a fight.

Jay said...

Hell, I'm backing Senior Ape and I AM a son. What does that tell you? Just that I'd rather gargle from a .44 than ever back the Steelers (even if the Steelers winning was the only way to stop Hitler and Robo-Stalin enslaving the earth's population. If that happened, you know the only team Earth would want on their side is Ray Lewis and his band of Merry Murderers).

Jarrett Carter said...

Put my money on Diddy Kong in a Jets jersey.

swing4 said...

There's only one way to resolve this issue for good, Ape: Madden '08 tourny between you and the old man at Christmas. Well, two... but everyone is sick of hearing about the much-hoped-for and ever-elusive asteroid strike.

Shan said...

grape ape fucks everybody up.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I'd root for the 49ers but that 1981 NFC Championship game is still burned in my psyche and doesn't allow me to cheer for soulless ass munchers from planet Unicorn.

Pagoda said...

Papa Ape in a landslide. NEVER discount the phenomenon that is "Wicked Old-Man Strength". Stillers by a touchdown.

Upstate Underdog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Upstate Underdog said...

It seems like the men here , me included, agree that their dad could still whip their ass. in fact I think my dad could whip me and my brother at the same time. Also, Steelers by 13.

swing4 said...

Underdog, that's because they have a deep well of resentment from which to draw. They've been wanting to kick your ass since the first time they had to give up a toy of their own (wife's breasts, corvette, BBQ grill the size of an island, season tickets, etc.) in order to pay for one of your toys (or braces, college, etc.). It may seem like one ass-whipping to you, but it has the strength of 18 years of pent-up beatings to them, you little ingrate.

jessica rita said...

Steelers by 14- because every son eventually beats his dad. It's a law of nature.

Raskolnikov said...

Dixie Kong is alone with Jeff Reed.

joser said...

j'4b

I'd root for the 49ers but that 1981 NFC Championship game is still burned in my psyche and doesn't allow me to cheer for soulless ass munchers from planet Unicorn.
That is a double edged post...painful start, beer squirting out the nose laughter in the end!! U IT!

leaf said...

Sure the old man could whip my ass. But i'd have to be dumb enough to hide his gin for a few hours to make it fair.

Steelers and Iron City Lite Ice always guaranteed a cringeworthy and seething silent afternoon of father-son bonding.

dick_gozinia said...

Fuck the Steelers and Steely McBung.

Your old man is a 'Nam vet and he's porking your mom every chance he gets.

So you lose, Ape Jr.

And I can relate, because I'm a Seahawks fan living in Chicago and my whole family is (predictably) shitheaded Bears fans. And my old man was drafted into 'Nam and probably still porks my mom...if the Agent Orange didn't sterilize him.

fallex said...

Put him on the 'ape stand.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm in the uncomfortable position of cheering for the Steelers.

Fuck me.

QueeferSuthrland said...

Drew,

http://i.cnn.net/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/0709/nfl.fans.week2/images/76784590.jpg

I know she's not referencing much, although I'm sure much is implied, but does she get a free sex cannon t-shirt?

QueeferSuthrland said...

...and I could only imagine what the 0 to 1000 means.

Age, perhaps?

Slash said...

I'm stunned and amazed at "Fucks Xmas Ape's mom" - I can't decide whether it's awesome or so, so wrong.

I think Vietnam vets should get over it already. They got Vietnamese poon and good drugs out of the deal, they should stop their whinin'.

I am almost completely indifferent to the outcome of the game, so I'll just say that the corporate entity responsible for that Steely McSucksalot character should lose big. Plus, on the 49ers site, we get this story:

Fine Oiled Hybrids (headline)
When you think of the typical NFL tight end, what comes to mind? (first sentence)

That is just greatness.

Happy Fun Miles said...

Daddy Ape will cover, but ultimately Diddy will emerge victorious.

And if Dixie is with Jeff Reed, does that mean Baby is alone with Jeff Garcia.

FABULOUS!!!

Chip Fu said...

a niner's fan calling someone else a commie pervert?