Wade: Good golly, is it 2PM already? Boy, I am famished! Haven’t had time to eat all day. But it seems pretty quiet around here now. Yup, I think I’ll just kick back with this delicious Black Angus sub from Quizno’s. Let me just tear open this small packet of pepper to give this baby a kick! Oh, man. This looks good. Finally, after a long, hard morning, Wade’s finally gonna get some much needed chow in his belly. Now just to open my mouth and direct the sandwich towards my oral cavity…
(Doors fly open)
Wade: Oh, dear God no.
Jones: Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those faggots down in South Beach? That’ll teach Jason Taylor to sell Nivea aftershave balm and fuck white women! My boy Romo is a goddamn star, you big titty monster!
Wade: Sir, if you don’t mind, I’d like to enjoy my lunch for a moment.
Jones: Lunch? You want LUNCH? Hoo boy, the last thing your fat ass needs is scheduled eating! I’m surprised you weren’t fucking that sandwich when I walked in here!
Wade: Sir, please…
Jones: Listen, Moby Dickless, we have work to do! Now, my boy Romo is taking off thanks to my Princeton boy! Get in here, Princeton boy! Look what Ricki Lake here is trying to do to this poor sandwich!
(Enter Jason Garrett)
Garrett: Oh dear. Seems someone matriculated at a school that did NOT teach proper nutrition. Are you in concurrence, Mr. Jones?
Jones: Shit yeah! I didn’t know Hamburger University had a football team!!!!
(Jones and Garrett laugh)
Garrett: My goodness, you are an obese man. Did your parents keep you in the house, or did they simply let you graze out in the pasture? Do you know what we did with the obese students back in Princeton, Mr. Jones?
Jones: Tell me! Tell me!
Garrett: Nothing! Because no one at Princeton is obese! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
Jones: Oh, that is fucking great! You know, you’re not so bad, for a Northern queer! I can’t wait for you to take over Bessie The Cow’s job next year!
Wade: Can I just please enjoy my lunch?
Jones: You’ve enjoyed enough lunches for this lifetime and the next, Tubgirl. I’ve got a new assignment for you!
(Enter Tank Johnson)
Tank: I’m Tank. I like guns. And fucking.
Jones: WAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!! Look that feller!!! Doesn’t he just look fucking MEAN?
Garrett: Indeed. He’s a terribly frightening Negro.
Jones: I mean, his name is Tank! How can you not like that?
Tank: I want a Slim Jim, motherfucker.
Wade: Well, when I’m finished here, I can help take Tank through the defensive playbook.
Jones: When you’re finished?! I think not, Wade Folds Five! I want this young man starting next week! And I want you to personally get him up to speed!
Wade: Isn't he suspended?
Jones: I'm workin' on that. Don't you worry your fat little blimphead about it.
Wade: I’m just not sure if we can get him ready…
Jones: That’s because you’re too fat and slow! You’re so fat, we had to lower you into the stadium through the hole in the goddamn roof!
Wade: That’s not true!
Jones: This young man is the key to our defensive success! And he’s perfect for our fanbase! He loves guns! Texans love guns! It’s a perfect match! YIPPPPPITY YIPPITY WAAAAAAA!!!!!!
(Fires guns in the air)
Tank: Those are nice guns. I want them.
Jones: Keep ‘em! I’ve got thousands of them!
Garrett: How grand!
Wade: God, I’m starving.
Jones: Tough shit, Flab Wagon! Git your sorry as back to work! WORK! WORK! WORK!
(Beats him with a riding crop)
Wade: I hate my life.
Jones: YEEEEEE DOGGGGIE, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!