Friday, September 7, 2007

KSK 2007 Prekkake: Green Bay Packers (Revised)

Fast Facts About The Packers:

When he was 10 years old, AJ Hawk drew, colored, and nearly published his own comic book titled "Bill Smith."

Rookie wideout Brandon Jackson has been considered a "fantasy sleeper" in many season previews. Many people do not realize that he was given this label exactly 12 years ago, when he was delivered by a California adoption agency to nearby Neverland Ranch.

Safety Atari Bigby saw action in five games last year. The front office hopes that he continues to develop, despite being able to only run up, down, right, or left.

During his sophomore season at Tennessee, center Scott Wells tried to make a nifty anagram out of his own name and was out the next three weeks with a partially torn cerebellum.

This weekend, Brett Favre will be entering his 17th NFL season. John Madden paid tribute to Favre's longevity in MADDEN 08 with a special Madden card. The DEAD FATHER card applies a 30% ratings boost to your QB when used, or 50% if the game is on a Monday night.

Projected 2007 Record: 7-9, 2nd Place, NFC North.

Actual 2007 Record: 7-9, 1st Place, NFC North.

What The Scouts Are Saying About The Packers

With Ahmad Green gone to Houston, this is Morency's time to continue the running back tradition at Lambeau. He should really flourish under this system with his work ethic and indoor bowel control...Most people don't talk about Al Harris as a shutdown corner, but he's there. Not only that, he's got a dick like a 1-liter bottle of Pepsi...

Favre isn't the gunslinger he once was. McCarthy has managed to rein him in somewhat; he's not throwing any INTs in practice anymore. Those skeleton 7-on-4 drills have really helped...P Jon Ryan may have his work cut out for him this year, but he did buy a $2 million helicopter in Patriot Games. That movie was sweet...I wish I could tell you more about Nick Collins, but I flew in from Foxboro last night, I'm driving home from the airport and there's my wife throwing my shit all over the lawn. The goddamn neighborhood kids were going through it. So yeah, I didn't really get a chance to study up...What's up with the cheeseheads? Dude, I have no fucking clue.

UPDATE: I just got an email from flub. "Not for nothing, but it's 'Vernand' Morency, not Vernon and he's never played for Pittsburgh. You may be thinking of Verron Haynes. I'm not sure if Haynes is in the league any more." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I just re-read my post and the whole thing looks fine...


Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

37 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

I didn't see the Dead Father cheat card in Madden. Do you need a code for that?

Is there an HGH cheat card too? That'd be sweet

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Within the ranks of the Green Bay Packers a wideout is the same as a running back. Favre will blatantly overthrow either position. Just wanted to clear that up.

Chuckles said...

Punter, it's also "Ahman" Green, not "Ahmad". And Brandon Jackson is a RB, not a wide reciever.

I'll forive you though as I'm sure you were drunk on the sweet sweet nectar of NFL football (or quite possibly a dozen strawberry daiquiris) at the time of this posting.

aflockofsigel said...

...It was Clear and Present Danger, not Patriot Games.

/ducks

Matt said...

I'm just glad Drew didn't write this.

Big Daddy Drew said...

And the character's name is Jack Ryan. Not Jon.

You're just fucking up all over the place, Punter!

BeaverFever said...

"I flew in from Foxboro last night"

When did Foxboro get an airport ?

Monday Morning Punter said...

There. There's a nice, big cocksucking edit for you.

I hate writing these fucking previews.

/double bird

grungedave said...

is this the Interwebs version of "taking your ball and going home"?

Unsilent Majority said...

Green Bay doesn't play in Wisconsin!

Big Daddy Drew said...

Are you saying this post is void?

Pemulis said...

this made me giggle

Otto Man said...

Scott Wells is an anagram for "Colts Welts," which oddly enough is exactly what fellow center Jeff Saturday calls his man niblets.

twoeightnine said...

Just let Madden write the preview.

Brett Favre, mmm mmm slurp mmm slurp slurp gargle gargle slurp, hey Brett you want some of this turducken.

Matt said...

Madden has obviously moved on to Peyton.

It was enough to make the woman go (and this is an exact quote):

"Wow, I might need to hand them a rag or two to wipe Manning's jizz that's flowing out of their mouths!"

Matt said...

Hearing her say "jizz" and "mouth" in the same sentence....priceless.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Not to beat a dead horse, but but ten years ago Jackson would have been 11, and clearly too old for the Neverland Ranch.

Also, I heard it was really because he loves Gary Wright's 1974 hit "The Dreamweaver."

Wormfather said...

So is this your pulitzer entry for 2007 or what?

Russell K said...

It's Ahman Green, not Ahmad Green.

That picture is so photoshopped.

BeaverFever said...

I was hoping that Atari was a typo. I wonder if anyone has ever named their kid Coleco ?

Otto Man said...

Also, MMP, it's Friday morning. Not Monday. Friday.

Otto Man said...

Ah, I remember Kid Coleco.

Nice fighter, but he had a glass jaw.

Pemulis said...

i want to know if anyone's named their kid turbografx-16

Chamomiles Davis said...

It took a while to figure out the picture, but... "We're gonna make a seal here, and a seal here, and run it RIGHT up the middle."

Kudos, MMP. You didn't even need the rest of that post, anyway.

Wormfather said...

I dont know about tubografix...but I'm naming my daughters X-Box and Playstation.

Grimey said...

If you could make this entire post blink, that would be AWESOME.

Pemulis said...

naming daughters x-box and/or playstation could come back to bite you in the ass super hard when the hit age 13 or so. my daughters middle name is actually "staythefuckawayfromhershesgoingtobeafucknignunyoubastards"

Slash said...

Colts fans are already attempting suicide:

Man falls nine stories at NFL pregame party

Updated: 10:18 p.m. CT Sept 6, 2007
INDIANAPOLIS - A man fell from the ninth-story deck of a downtown hotel overlooking Monument Circle, where thousands of people were attending a concert Thursday as part of the Indianapolis Colts' season-opening festivities, police said.

Investigators believed the man might have jumped from the outdoor pool deck of the Sheraton Indianapolis City Centre Hotel in a suicide attempt about 7:15 p.m., Deputy Police Chief Joseph McAtee said. No injuries on the ground were reported.

Big Daddy Drew said...

The man tried to commit suicide after seeing how bad Faith Hill looks these days.

Upstate Underdog said...

@pemulis,

funny, that is the unofficial middle name of both of my daughters.

the great bambi said...

Actually his name is John Ryan but because people with the name John are gay they think they deserve the nickname Jack as well. Kinda like Robert being Bob and William being Bill. They hate their names and their parents so they steal other people's names. He's John Patrick Ryan and gets called Jack.

twoeightnine said...

An imaginary post to go with an imaginary family.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

With that kind of innattention to detail it's clear Punter hates America, and freedom.

Otto Man said...

The man tried to commit suicide after seeing how bad Faith Hill looks these days.

Seriously. She looked like death boiled over.

Is it an official NFL rule that every major pregame show must blend together music acts that will appeal to middle-aged, white Midwesterners on the one hand, and hip young black folk on the other? It's always some grandma-pleasing country singer and an edgy young R&B star.

It's like they're trying to cast a buddy cop flick. "This summer, Minnie Pearl and Asheru are ... HOT COPS!"

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I'll get the Hot Cops. But they'll need something more nautical the Hot Sailors or perhaps Hot Sea...

Otto Man said...

I was hoping someone would get that reference.

Drizztdj said...

Packers are void. SKOL!