Friday, September 21, 2007

It takes BRASS BALLS to cover spreads


Welcome to the Week 3 edition of Always Be Covering. As you may be aware, the bulk of my gambling advice should not actually be taken. For the most part everything you read here will be in jest, but not anymore.

Last week I took my picks seriously, and despite some questionable decisions my wagers netted a positively mediocre $24 (life changing money!). It could have been a decent payday but the day was pretty much fucked the minute those Cincinnati cuntslutwhores were run out of the stadium. This week I'm going to be a bit more aggressive. Instead of relying on those retarded parlays, teasers, and props I'm betting half of the league straight up.

I've placed $25 dollars on each of the following eight games (risking 200 to win 180)... play along at home if you're so inclined, but it's not my fucking fault that you have a gambling problem and crack habit.

Kansas City -3 vs. Minnesota
When I started this feature one of the founding principles involved wagering against one Herman Edwards. It's served us pretty well to date, and now it's time to return the favor. I'm putting all of my support behind the awful and winless Chiefs because I don't think Herm will let them lose to an even crappier team. Is it me or does Brad Childress look like the kind of guy that beats up cheap hookers to blow off steam?

New England -17 vs. Buffalo
The line shot up 2.5 points almost as soon as the game opened. Buffalo's totally fucked and Belichick is just looking to bend teams over the coffee table and fuck 'em like a Jersey housewife.

Pittsburgh -9 vs. San Francisco
Steelers be good 'n shit.

Arizona +8 at Baltimore
Betting against the home favorite? Yep, I'm fuckin' nutty! Baltimore can eat latkes out of my ass. Ed. note to self: Atone

I sensed you were getting bored.


Jacksonville +3.5 at Denver
That hook could be worth all the money in the world. Remember these two things: Denver is two field goals away from 0-2, and Mike Shanahan is a tampon.

Seattle -3 vs. Cincinnati
Maybe I should have just but the money on Over 50 total points. When is Marvin Lewis going to get his next extension?

Oakland -3 vs. Cleveland
It's everybody's favorite day of the year, Fuck Ohio Day! After last week you pretty much have to bet against both of em.

Washington -4 vs. New York Giants
Four fucking points? Has Vegas been watching the Giants? The veterans might stage a walkout at the two minute warning. Rocky McIntosh is going to see to it that Eli Manning never procreates.

There you have it, my eight favorite games (it literally took me seconds to pick them out). Do with them what you will, just get in your action before sundown if you're a shape-shifting Jew.

18 comments:

flubby said...

Only problem gamblers take the Buzzsaw on the road.

Weed Against Speed said...

Is it me or does Brad Childress look like the kind of guy that beats up cheap hookers to blow off steam?

Possibly, but no hooker can I.D. him because he always has a laminated sheet covering the lower 2/3 of his face. That Chili is a sneaky fucker, I tell ya.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Has Vegas been watching the Giants?

Vegas thrives on gamblers who are convinced Vegas is dumb.

Unsilent Majority said...

Drew, your reasoned opinions carry no weight in this forum. Please die you contrarian dickweasel.

fallex said...

I prefer to think of them as my gambling affinity and crack hobby.

Plus Minny's D is staunch. You'll eat that pick.

Pagoda said...

I'm thinking this is a good week to stick with CFB. Pitt -10 against UConn (homer). Ga Tech -4 at Virginia. Marshall +24 at Cincy.

Sh!tShow said...

Gotta go with the Vikings as well. But I love Oakland and Pittsburgh.

And gimme the Lions plus 6, too. Philly ain't proved me nothin.

JAMMQ said...

Boy, once those Redskins fans getting even the slightest glimmer of hope . . . it's like they almost turn into Cowboy fans.

And that's bad.

kurt said...

anyone else pissed at themselves for not taking the skins on monday night?

bodog was paying +250 with no spread....

Unsilent Majority said...

I took it at +250 for twenty bucks

BeaverFever said...

"Maybe I should have just but the money on Over 50 total points."

I don't know how to but money, but I would bet money on the over in the Seattle/Cinci game.

devang said...

@BeaverFever

Yeah I saw that too. I thought it was some sort of a moneylender's term or something.

Unsilent Majority said...

below me

devang said...

Ok,ok, Maj, just don't post something like this again

Jackin'4Beats said...

Buffalo's totally fucked and Belichick is just looking to bend teams over the coffee table and fuck 'em like a Jersey housewife.

That comment completely made my day. The visual alone is priceless, especially if I think the Jersey chick is Drea DeMatteo.

Vincent Price said...

Riding the Romo wave again this week I am. Getting 3 pts in Chicago! Are you kidding me!

J said...

those cheap bastards in the moneygirl picture slipped a couple of jacksons in instead of benjamins..

Robocats said...

I can't believe that this is the first post with the label "cuntslutwhores".