Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Counterpoint: I Hope Tom Brady Doesn't Suffer a Season-Ending Knee Injury

Yesterday Drew offered up this hatchet piece offering a modest bounty to the NFL player who successfully delivered a season-ending knee-injury to Tom Brady.

I, for one, disapprove of such an undertaking. Not only do I suspect that such a measure is illegal, but it also gets in the way of what is truly best for the NFL:


PATRIOTS DYNASTY 2.0

That's right, I'm cheering for the Patriots. I want them to go 19-0 while cameras cut to the 1972 Dolphins crying. I want them to go 19-0 next year, too, so the cameras can cut to the '72 Dolphins parked in a closed garage with the engine running. In fact, I'd like to see the Pats win the next three or four or eight Super Bowls.

I'm not a bandwagon fan; I'm an anarchist.

I'm rooting for the Pats the way I root for tornadoes in the town where I went to high school. I root for them the way I cheer sharks on the Discovery Channel, the way I want Entourage to get renewed for ten more seasons, and the way I cheered gravity in Titanic when the people fell the length of the boat and hit the smokestacks on their way down.

I want the boiling point. I want pandemonium. I want the destruction of everything we know. I want Patriots fans to become more insufferable than Steelers fans and Cowboys fans combined. I want civil war.

I picture a world where the handful of intelligent, humble people from New England have to apologize for liking their hometown team. I want the number of Patriots bandwagon fans to make the Yankees' fan base look like the Marlins'. I want the contrarian fucks at Slate to be right just this once. I want every other NFL team to be the Washington Generals to Brady and Belichick's Harlem Globetrotters.

Why? Because fuck your stupid sports arguments, that's why.

I want the people who've been ruining my new-NFL-season buzz by bitching and moaning about CameraGate to live with the fact that the New England Patriots' tyranny was caused by their bitching. Yeah, that's right: everybody who's been talking about putting an asterisk by the Pats' three Super Bowl wins, how they're cheaters for life, how they're just like Barry Bonds... do you know what you people are? You're Seahawks fans still bitching about Super Bowl XL.

Let that sink in for a minute.

So Tom Brady, you keep those knees healthy. Be sure to stretch a lot. Fuck some more models if you think that helps. And please, find a way to get a little more press coverage -- we simply can't get enough of you. GO PATS!

27 comments:

Wormfather said...

WHOA, someone get CC 800 cc's of snatch, quick.

Franklin said...

Now that is how you channel Ed Norton from '25th hour'

JAMMQ said...

Yeah, because that's what this world needs . . . Brady at midfield putting on a Yankee cap while being given another Super Bowl trophy.

That's not anarchy, that's the apocalypse.

Wormfather said...

Actually, now that I think about it. CCs plan combined with a jammq ending would be sweet.

Imagine red sox hatian and the patsies fans combining to become one super sports nation. Brady would be King, Bill Simmons would be head of the Ministry of Information ("No, the Americans do not have tanks on the streets of bagdad, we have crushed them"). Under that type of senario there are way to many delicious endings.

Star Wars
The Crying Game
Pretty Woman (BS in the roll as Julia Roberts)

And the list goes on...

Suss said...

"$20 bucks for the guy who DDoS attacks With Leather." - Cowherd

Upstate Underdog said...

more Entourage !

twoeightnine said...

Did you steal this argument from Dane Cook?

Robert said...

Fucking genius. But you left out the part about how the Dynasty 3.0 surfaces 20 years from now, composed solely of Brady's super-powered, model-infused spawn.

Nick said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Well done sir.

My Insignificant Life said...

polite golf applause

devang said...

Did you steal this argument from Dane Cook?

Ouch.

5150 said...

I'd rather have the '72 Dolphins skullfuck me then have Brady go undefeated through the year.

And that's an understatement.

Ben said...

Why do you hate America?

Otto Man said...

Did you steal this argument from Dane Cook?

Maybe, but it's not like Dane Cook hadn't stolen it from someone else first.

SDW said...

Did you steal this argument from Dane Cook?

Maybe, but it's not like Dane Cook hadn't stolen it from someone else first.


ZING!

The Capgun Bandit said...

"I want Patriots fans to become more insufferable than Steelers fans and Cowboys fans combined. I want civil war."

Ummm...I'm pretty sure that happened a couple years ago

Steve said...

Hold up there chief. Let's get one thing straight.

Fucking more models ALWAYS helps.

B.E. Earl said...

I do cheer for the sharks on the Discovery Channel, so you won me over. Go Pats!

smeos said...

We didn't lose Super Bowl XL because of the refs. We lost because Matt Hasselbeck doesn't like to pass to the sidelines.

That said, eat a dick.

Jackin'4Beats said...

CC, I typically like your posts here and on With Leather, but quite frankly, you either need a shot of Woo-Tang really badly or you're just trying to piss us off with this Patriots crap.

It's not enough that the league conspired to give us these "humble champs" after they robbed the Raiders in the tuck game. NOOOOO... Now you are cheering for these insufferable dipshits to go 95-0 for the next 5 years???

Maybe you should cheer for the Packers to win the SB so that we can hear how Brett "The Last Gunslinger" Favre went out on top like a true American hero (with This is MYYYY CUUNTRRRYYY blasting in the background).

My response to you sir on this post is FUCK and NO.

/smokes some weed to calm down

MuckFichigan said...

I just love the Tagline "defensible Positions"

That being said, Smeo and Jackin t get it.

MuckFichigan said...

"Indefensible position" goddamit!

Josh said...

I knew this was a Caveman piece from the out-of-nowhere slam on Slate magazine. Take that, liberal media!

Chip Fu said...

You were foolish to think his knee was vulnerable to attack in the first place.

Thetis held him by the chin when she dipped him in the river Styx.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I just like being angry...like Donovan McNabb.

TuckPendleton said...

More insufferable than Steelers fans?

Now that's just crazy talk.

Saintsation said...

"Seahawks fans still bitching about Super Bowl XL"

or Raiders fans from '01