Monday, September 24, 2007

The Sex Cannon is Dead; Long Live the Sex Cannon


Hello there. Those of you expecting an imagined monologue by Rex Grossman following last night's 15-33, 0 TD, 3 INT performance will be sorely disappointed. The Sex Cannon as envisioned by Big Daddy Drew is retired, killed off before the character became too rote and familiar (and thus unfunny).

But that doesn't mean that Grossman has stopped sucking spectacularly, which means that he still deserves our attention. So, in an ongoing effort to reward people who send us intelligent emails and NOT FUCKING BASEBALL BLOG POSTS WE DON'T DO LINK DUMPS YOU WHORES, we've decided to publish this fresh take on Rexy from John Krolik of Truth in a Bullet Fedora, who goes to USC but otherwise seems like an okay person. John writes:

I was originally going to humbly beseech all of you (as I'm sure many readers have), to start a campaign to save Rextacy, as his benching seems imminent at this point, and I don't know what I'd do without The Sex Cannon firing bolt after bolt of sexually-charged lightning every week.

But then I got to thinking: we should save Rex not just because we love his deviant ways and utter lack of caring for the shackles of quarterbacking or monogamy. We should save Rex because it's our duty as Americans. America is a country that runs on not giving a fuck, from the little things (oh, a kilometer is 1/10,000th of the distance from the equator to the North Pole? Fuck all of you, we're using miles because they kick ass.), to the more important things (You don't think it's a good idea for us to go to war? Try and stop us, faggots.) Rex plays quarterback like George Bush runs the country, and this is supposed to be America's game, isn't it? In fact, when you think about it, Rex's career path mirrors that of GWB's: Extreme initial skepticism and hatred from the intellectuals of the game/country, a brief period of redemption (post 9-11/the first half of last season), and then an utter blowup that made everyone say, "wow, we thought he sucked before, but now he REALLY sucks." (The Iraq War/The Super Bowl and this season.) We want our leaders to have balls; John Kerry and Peyton Manning can be as successful as they want through "doing things right," but at the end of the day we go "Yeah, but those guys are faggots."

Well, Rex is no faggot, and while I don't support George Bush, I think that Rex Grossman is America's quarterback. And I don't think he's going anywhere; people have been hating Bush since the beginning, but he's been running this motherfucker for 8 years when it's all said and done.

So, Gay Mafia, save Rex. It's your duty as Americans.


Pretty good, John. Thanks for your cogent argument and top-notch syntax. However, KSK's belief is that there is no need to save Rex. Even if he DOES get benched -- which Lovie Smith says ain't happenin' -- he will live on in our memories. NFL fans will always have a little bit of Rex in them.

By which I mean, we've all been inseminated.

25 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wormfather said...

Damn, and I was getting ready to announce that in 2008 The Sex Cannon will be on the move.

Upstate Underdog said...

Bill Clinton was also Sex Cannon-like. He would bang anything that moved.

swing4 said...

MEMORANDUM
TO: USC
FROM: Swing4
DATE: September 24, 2007
RE: Argumentation

Teach formal logic to your undergraduates.

Also, you suck.

big skinny said...

John is a great writer. It's too bad he wastes his time writing about the NBA. Too bad about Rexy going away. We'll always have Miami.

Upstate Underdog said...

With the Wade/Jerry posts, I won't miss the Sex Cannon posts too much.. btw, are you guys going to sell the remaining Sex Cannon shirts at a discounted price ?

Awful Chief said...

Rex may not move the Bears offense, but his impact on the football world is not to be denied. Because of Rex Grossman, someone is going to pick up the Lions defense this week. Because of Rex Grossman, millions of people in Chicagoland are overeating in hopes of feeling better. Oh well, hopefully this will just be a springboard to the career he was really meant for: playing the part of abusive husbands on lifetime movies.

j_brock said...

I was really looking forward to some vintage BDD venom today...Maybe later?

Matt said...

Please Rex, have a good game this week so you can stay in the lineup to give my Packers a free win Week 5.

Thanks!

Five Pound Bag said...

Adios Sex Cannon Rex Grossman.

Hola Spank Musket Kyle Orton!

grungedave said...

Purple Jesus had a good day in another loss for the soon to be 3-13 Vikings, so BDD had to be distracted from the Sex Cannon backfiring again.

Calvin's got a job said...

Long live the cumslinger

But if we're not going to be discussing him anymore I think Mike Furrey would be a good alternative.

I heard he has a 24" cock and has to coil it in his cup during games

Thoughts? Feedback?

Gridiron Goddess said...

hey hey now, don't blame USC. I am an SC alum and I blasted the Bears organization on my blog last night for having Grossman on Papa Bear Halas' team.

But I am a USC Democrat, and this dude sounds like a USC Republican. Which makes us two vastly different breeds. lol

Wormfather said...

@Calvin

You cant mention a 24" cock and feedback in the same statement.

bfreakin3 said...

It's probably tough on Rexy with all the new competition for the ladies of the Chicago area after the Bears drafted G-Reg Olsen. I'm told he has a third leg, and not just for rhyming purposes.

for those unfamiliar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/7th_Floor_Crew

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Poor Rex, he had a rough off season. Damn golden boy Tom Brady stealing his cumslinging thunder knocking up two ladies. Kyle Orten came over, drank all his peppermint schnapps, and puked on his bear skin rug.

Shan said...

Rex can go away...but in 15 years none of us will be able to escape his offspring. I'm talkin' armies of hormone pumped teens all over America. What will we do then?

Calvin's got a job said...

@shan,
What will we do then?
I will be walking around with a funnel and a empty 2 liter bottle collecting as many grossman bodily fluids as i can...

Becuase in 15 years it will be our national currency... 2 teaspoons of sex jelly will equal roughly a nickle

Krolik1157 said...

I'm not a republican. I'm a Rexologist.

Vanilla said...

I still go back and read the original Sex Cannon post from time to time and it still cracks me up. Of course so does the term "fartknocker" so maybe I'm just immature.

Hee hee! I said Fartknocker!

Slash said...

Did Grossman have anything to do with two other Bears suffering groin injuries? Just wondering.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Here lies the Cumslinger, he dared to go deep but seemed to come up short...except with the ladies of Miami and Chicago.

Will he be buried next to Falco?

Cowboys 3-0. Eat it Harvey.

Otto Man said...

Rex has only gone flaccid between his sexplosions. All he needs is some Vitamin B and maybe some amyl nitrate tabs and he'll be back in prime form.

Maybe a couple strippers, too.

Rob said...

Not that anyone should or does care, but the meter is officially defined as the distance light travels in 1⁄299,792,458th of a second.

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