Thursday, September 27, 2007

Oh God, I Gotta Take A S—t


Wade: Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus. Holy guacamole. I hope no one’s using the bathroom stall.

(runs into bathroom, stall is occupied)

Oh, man. This is bad. Goodness gracious, that Chipotle burrito tore right through me. If this feller dudn’t hurry up, I’m done gonna soil my britches. Maybe if I stand in front of the stall like so, he’ll know someone’s waiting to use it. Please. Please please please, hurry up. I can feel that ol’ rattlesnake pushin’ his way out.

Wait a second. I know those boots. Are those rhinestone alligator skin boots?

(stall door flies open)


Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE KAY YAY, COCKSUCKER!!! ANOTHER LONE STAR TORPEDO FOR THE DOUBLE-J!!!!!!

Wade: Aw, shiiit.

Jerry: Boy I tell ya, that there was the single finest dump I’ve taken in this facility. First class. Top o’ the line. Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!

Wade: Mr. Jones, you’re blocking the entrance…

Jerry: Yes sirree, absolutely pristine log I laid. It was two-beacher, with NO paperwork!

Wade: Mr. Jones, please.

Jerry:
My turd is big
As an oil rig
(clap clap clap)
DEEPINTHEHEARTOFTEXAS!!!!!!


Wade: Mr. Jones, if you don’t mind, I have to use that latrine myself.

Jerry: Oh, I don’t think so. That bank any takin’ any more deposits for the day, if you know what I mean.

Wade: Oh, Lord.

Jerry: Besides, that ain’t no handicapped stall. And I seriously doubt your fat ass can sit down without a whole lotta help from a railin’. Am I right?!

Wade: Well, if you’ll excuse me, then. I have to run.

Jerry: Shit on your own time, you big fat tube of Jimmy Dean. It’s time to talk about my boy ROMO! Did you see what he did out there?!

Wade: Well, yes, I was on the sidel…

Jerry: Tore that Bears defense a new asshole! I tell ya, my boy ROMO could be elected governor of Texas, he’s such a goddamn star! And this team is 3-0! THREE GODDAMN WINS AND NO GODDAMN LOSSES! Who’da thought we’d go 3 and goddamn 0 with your fat ass at in the driver’s seat? I’m amazed you even have room to work the steering wheel, King Hippo!

Wade: Sir, I really do have to…

Jerry: Listen, Tubby. I saw a power ranking that had us at Number 3 this week. Well, I want YOU to get my boy ROMO up at the top of that there list! NUMERO FUCKIN’ UNO! You hear me?

Wade: That’s fine sir, if I could just use the lavatory for moment…

Jerry: I don’t pay you to squeeze one out on the company's dime, Pumpkin. Besides, IT’S TIME TO SLAP YOUR TITTIES!!!

Wade: Sir, no…

Jerry: No arguin’! It’s titty slappin’ time, and I’m feeling frisky!

Wade: Sir, I beg of you…

Jerry: I need to slap me some tits! Who’s got slappy titties?! Who’s got slappy titties? Is it you?!

Wade: I do not have slappy titties.

Jerry: (slaps his tits) IT’S YOU! YOU GOT SLAPPY TITTIES, BOY!!!! WAHOO! YIPPEE! RAMALAMADINGDONG!!!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t let me leave, I’m afraid I’m going to make a bit of a mess.

Jerry: Well all right. Get on in there and shit, boy.

(goes into stall, five minutes pass)

Jerry: You sure are takin’ your time in there, Titty Magee!

Wade: Sir, it’s hard to go with you standing there.

Jerry: Hard?! You tellin’ me you can’t handle the pressure, Mr. Kathy Bates?! Well then, consider this an important exercise! SHIT THAT LOG OUT!

Wade: Dear Lord, I'm never gonna be able to do this.

Jerry: YOU DRIVE THAT TURTLE OUT TODAY, PROFESSOR KLUMP!!! MY BOY ROMO AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR POOP! GREASE THAT ASSHOLE! LET’S GO! LET’S GO!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

37 comments:

Happy Fun Miles said...

Nothing quite like the first load of Coach McSnausage Fingers excrement first thing in the morning.

Tracer Bullet said...

I imagine Jerry Jones wearing a 10-gallon hat and a pair of pearl-handled revolvers during these exchanges. And nothing else.

Hustler of Culture said...

I think I'll have some runny eggs and sausage links for breakfast today....

Matt said...

If Sgt. Hartman was a rich owner of a Texas football team....this is how he'd do it.

John S. said...

All right.. that was damn funny.

TDizzle said...

That is hilarious. The problem is that I can see JJ doing this.

devang said...

Well done BDD

RAMALAMADINGDONG

M. Night Shyamanlan is not amused

Upstate Underdog said...

"IT’S TIME TO SLAP YOUR TITTIES!!!"

I'll be using that line on the wife tonight. Wish me luck.

The Last Dragon said...

Holy shit! These wade and jerry posts are the best thing I've seen on here. My eyes are watering.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Now that the Sex Cannon is dead and buried, this has got to be some of the funniest shit (pun intended) I have ever read. After watching Inside the NFL last night, I can now definitely see this happening.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE KAY YAY, COCKSUCKER!!! ANOTHER LONE STAR TORPEDO FOR THE DOUBLE-J

Pure comedic genius. I imagine Double-J with Gunnery Sgt. Hartman's voice. Makes it that much funnier.

save the steagles said...

If there is a word more fun to say or read than "titties", I have not come across it.

JAMMQ said...

Can't get even get through this wade and jerry posts without laughing out loud at least three times . . .

(clap clap clap)

DEEPINTHEHEARTOFTEXAS!!!!!!

BeaverFever said...

"titties" are also fun to play with.

Kevin said...

You sir are obviously not from Texas (probably a good thing). There are four claps, not three. We take this shit seriously...

smurphette said...

"Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!"

Fatty Cha Cha? Magnificent.

Shoopmonster said...

You had me at King Hippo.

Shan said...

Mr. Kathy Bates

dear god i have to find a fat person right now to start talking to, JUST so i can call him that.

also im with Upstate Underdog, except im going to try it on my girlfriend, and we will see the differing results.

Upstate Underdog said...

@shan, we will compare notes tomorrow.

BigRicks said...

I'm looking forward to the Cowboys first loss. I'm interested to see what kind of sick and twisted form of torture Drew will have JJ performing on ol' King Hippo. I'd imagine some sort of food deprivation.

From the other side of town said...

Something with:

Double J's Texas Chili

A souvenir fan towel

Stuck in traffic in a Toyota Prius

Traffic jam caused by impromptu Romo autographs and Double J's limo has a flat

Awful Chief said...

I can't imagine going from a near assplosion to stage fright. Jerry Jones should be on a bike along side of me running in my next race.

The Last Unitard said...

Is there anything better than no paperwork? Shit-related, I mean.

Zac said...

DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!!

Awesome.

Ben said...

Is anyone else looking forward to other posts with the 'slappy titties' tag as much as I am?

Jerry Jones here reminds me of a cross between Mark Cuban, Dan Snyder, and Ross Perot.

The Last Unitard said...

It's comforting to know that if Wade ever wants to get his saggy titties lifted, Jerry can recommend a good plastic surgeon. Or a not-so-good one, from the looks of his face.

darthmoridin said...

God damn this is good stuff. Double-J & Tubby-Dub for the Hall of Fame!

fallex said...

If there is a word more fun to say or read than "titties", I have not come across it.

I've come across a lot of things (bedspreads, faces, stomachs, floors, etc.) and "titties" definitely takes the cake.

Ahad said...

That was great! I picture jerry with the voice of Sgt Ermy From FULL METAL JACKET.

Matt said...

Because that hasn't been said 3 times already.

BigFootFool said...

GJ Drew.

The only thing funnier than the Double-J is his mentor over in Arkansas Frank Broyles, but in KSK JJ has it ALL

5150 said...

Best. One. Evar.

Mike Murray said...

"Slappy Titties" had me laughing my ass off. Nice work, as always.

Matt said...

LMAO, i seriously laughed, not like when someone types lol and doesn't actually laugh.

this line is GOLD:

"Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!"

Slash said...

I can't think of too many thing more frightening than encountering Jerry Jones in the bathroom.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!! YIPPEE KAY YAY, COCKSUCKER!!!

Wish I could have that as a personalized license plate.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

This is surely your crowning achievement. Yes, I wanna crown you, so I'm crowning your ass.

Jeffrey said...

lol!

two-beacher with no paperwork

Silverbackg1 said...

I wonder if Jerry sounds like the Texan on the Simpsons..."yee-haw..1-2-3-4"