Wade: Let’s take a look at the stat sheet from Sunday night. Not a bad game for ol’ Wade. See that, pa? 45 daggum points. That’s a pretty good amount.
Wait a second.
Oh, shit. Romo scored 5 TD’s. Oh, this is not good. Not good at all. That’s a really bad precedent to set. Really bad. I better call someone in the media and see if they can fudge these totals.
Jones: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Wade: Oh, prairie shit.
Jones: Did you see that?! Have you seen the stat sheet, Tubby? My boy ROMO scored 5 fucking touchdowns! Five! That’s one, two, three, four… FIVEGODDAMNTOUCHDOWNS!!!! YEE HAWWWWW!!!! Boy I tell ya, he treated those Giants like my ancestors treated the entire Sioux nation! Those fuckers ain’t nothin’ but ground up pemmican now!
(fires guns into the air)
Wade: Mr. Jones, I think we shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves. That young man had a fine game, but there are some things I think he still he needs to improve upon.
Jones: Oh, you bet he can improve! In fact, I’m counting on YOU to make my boy Romo a goddamn American hero! Picture it, Fatty: 10 TD’s in a single game! In a single half!
Wade: I didn’t mean it quite like that, sir.
Jones: Listen, Lardass. I got big plans for my boy Romo, and I don’t want you fucking them up. This kid’s better than Aikman. He’s mobile, he appeals to my crucial Mexican growth demographic, AND he’s heterosexual!
Wade: Troy Aikman is married, sir.
Jones: Pfft! That’s the biggest sign, you big dumb tub o’ goo!
Jones: I want my boy Romo to be up there with the Peyton Manning. Why should my quarterback have to cede the limelight to some pasty hick from Louisiana? My Daddy said the only good thing to come out of Louisiana was Creole voodoo prostitutes! And fuck it if he wuddn’t right! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!!!!
Wade: Sir, it’s a very long season. He’s still learning, and he’s going to have his ups and downs.
Jones: Oh screw that, you big hungry, hungry hippo! My boy Romo is a STAR! That’s why I want you to make sure he knocks up that little country singer of his.
Wade: Knock her up?
Jones: Damn right! If Tom Brady can knock a starlet up, I want my boy to give that girl Underwood some wood under! In fact, I want twins!
Wade: How do I do that?
Jones: I dunno. Draw up a goddamn scheme, you big fat pig! Make it happen! Now give me a piggyback ride!
Wade: Please, sir…
Jones: PIGGYBACK RIDE, TITBOY!!!!!!!
(hops on Wade’s back, slaps him on the ass)
Wade: This sucks.
Jones: GIDDDDDDYAP! YAHOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!