Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Week One Wone Waiver Wire Wishing Well

Because you fuckers know you need me...

I wish I was the quarterback for the New York Giants!



The countdown is on to the next monumental moment of the 2007 NFL season, the mad dash for the premier (less-abysmal) free agents in your fantasy football league. Today could mean the difference between abject failure and clingy mediocrity for the thousands of you who drafted so very poorly. You see I, on the other hand, have three undefeated teams because I am the smartest man alive a total asshole. For those of you in need (did you really draft Brandon Jacobs and Eli "Kill Shot" Manning?) I'm offering up a comprehensive report on some of the shiny new toys awaiting those of you with your adorable waiver wire priority.

Plugging a leak with a piece of gum...



Jared Lorenzen QB/Bill Murray foil- Vindication for Sarah, the only person in the entire blogosphere to hate Eli enough to draft that pillow stuffed motherfucker. Hey, Plexi and Shockey can catch the ball. Even Eli could manage to rack up points before his shoulder quit on him like his father did.

Derrick Ward RB- Brandon Jacobs hurt his knee and Ward looked so good the commentator almost called him Dave Meggett; however he did liken him to a little monkey. It was all pretty awkward. But who knows what Coughlin will do. Ward only got the backup job because he won an award for punctuality from Rushmore Academy. If Ruben Droughns beats him to a couple of this week's team meetings then all bets are off.


Gold covered lead...

Chris Brown RB- He sure looked great running for 175 yards on Sunday. But if you bought that little act then you've never been a Chris Brown owner. He runs upright, he's injury-prone, he's never been able to win the job, and he's got two younger and equally capable backs behind him.

Patrick Crayton WR- Terry Glenn is a hell of a warrior but her knee might have finally given out on her. How would animal rights activists react if Jerry Jones took him out back and shot him? Crayton is a crappy replacement from a fantasy perspective because TO and Mar-Bar-Tre' are such touchdown hogs and Tony Romo has a hardon for Jason Witten.


Flyers...

Daunte Culpepper QB- McCown has an ouchie on his finger. If he can't grip his dick for Wednesday's random drug screening then Daunte's going to be named the starter.

JaMarcus Russell QB- He signed, he finally signed! What, you don't play in a 32-team keeper league? Pussy.

Brady Quinn QB- If you plan on starting any Cleveland Brown who is not a "fucking warrior" then you might as well send your league commissioner a certified check.

And now for some players to avoid like the fungus growing on Leonard Davis...

David Boston WR- The reclamation project was put on hold when the former Ohio State employee injured his foot during warm-ups. See David, that's why you shouldn't inject your drugs between your toes.

Lawrence Tynes K- It's never good when your kicker gets the cramps in the middle of a game. Is it possible that Eli's PMS is contagious?

15 comments:

SportsGirl365 said...

What can I say? I'm a genius.

Stay tuned for week two when Jabar Gaffney gets the start after Randy Moss, Sammy Morris, Wes Walker, and Donte Stallworth all break their knees in a freak orgy accident.

5150 said...

We can only dream.

Matt said...

1:30am???

Did the Maj stay up and watch all of that game last night?? You glutton for punishment...

Unsilent Majority said...

The Maj is tired

Weed Against Speed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Weed Against Speed said...

Damn. Now I have that fucking Terence Trent D'Arby song stuck in my head.

Damn. Now I have a craving for a roast beef sandwich.

grungedave said...

Fuck you, Matt Leinart.

/rant over.

Wormfather said...

I watched the whole game too, funny thing, with 30 seconds to play in that game two teams in my league were tied 98-98. Verry next play, Leinart throws a pick for -2 points...game over.

But then again, that's what he gets for drafting, starting and praying for Leinart.

In other news, anyone else feel like a fucking genious for drafting Addai over say..gore or steven jackson?

/thread jack

TurleyGirlie said...

The Colts are who we thought they were!!


/Saints fan threadjack

Wormfather said...

No, no, no, The Patriots were who we thought they were.

fallex said...

If you started Matt Leinart, you fucked yourself.

Oh and I thought KW was a fucking soldier. Not a warrior, douchebag.

Ken Dynamo said...

im so glad lorenzen starting has turned the giants games in to one big sideshow for carnival freaks.

i enjoyed the nickmans when he didnt have to start. this blows.

SlideShow Bob said...

Does that mean its a bad think that im using Braylon Edwards?

Otto Man said...

Is it true that Jared Lorenzen was the inspiration for Solomon Grundy?

Holly said...

How would animal rights activists react if Jerry Jones took him out back and shot him?

He's my owner, Pa. I'll do it.