Monday, September 24, 2007

I’m Not Going Down Without A F--k!


Hold up. Wait a fucking second. What’s all this talk about Rex Grossman heading to the bench?! Do you see Rex Grossman walking to the bench? Do you see Lovie Smith calling for Brian Griese? Do you? DO YOU?!

Do you think I’m going to just sit idly by while some other jackass gets to throw my ball and take my audience? Do you really think Rex Fucking Grossman would just quietly accept his fate?! Do you think these eyes can’t tame a wild cougar?

Fuck that shit. I am not going down without a fuck.

You heard me. If you want to take my job, you’ll have to come and fuck the ever-loving shit out of me if you want to do it. Rex Grossman is no quitter. He will fuck and fuck and fuck until there’s no fuck left in him. That’s how he was born, that’s how he was raised, and that’s how he’ll die: fucking. If you think I’m going down without some serious hardcore, elbow-deep-in-your-butt gangbanging, you are sadly mistaken. I’m not backing down on this one. On the contrary. I am locked and loaded and ready to spray my salty jism all over this town if it means being able to do what I love most. I didn’t get this far not to fuck for what I believe in. I’m taking a stand. I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it.

Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Sex Cannon what to do? Over my hard body. I fucked hard to get into this position. You're gonna have to come get it. Naked. With my penis inside you.

Want to put me down for good, Chicago? Just. Fucking. Bring. It. And don’t think I won’t get my shots in. I got a nut just waiting for your eye. This is gonna be tooth and nail. Ass and ball. Tit and clit. Cock and mouth. If I lose, so be it. But there’s still some sex left in this cannon. I’ll fuck to the end. This was sexy business. But now it’s sexy personal.

So prepare yourself. You’ve got one big fuck on your hands. I may be going down. On you. But I’m going down swinging. My dick.

1, 2, 3 FUCK!

28 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

fuck yeah !

grungedave said...

the Rextacy plan to re-take Chicago:

1. Knock-up supermodel, a la Brady.

2. ...

3. Profit.

Matt said...

Thank you.

j_brock said...

I've been waiting all day for this BDD. Please spread the venom.

SDW said...

The best part of the Onion link at the end? The huge banner ad for "Chuck" at the top of the page.

See, it's funny because Chuck rhymes with "fuck".

Fuck yeah it does.

dick_gozinia said...

No mortal man can kill the sex cannon. And that means that no broad named Lovie can do it either.

The sex cannon will live another day!

Jason said...

Rexy's gonna ride off into the sunset on Marques Slocum's Fuck Lion, I tell you what.

WV:"ydyckxf". Even the blogger software knows what's up.

Calvin's got a job said...

i knew it wasn't true...

Rex's can't die because his semen has healing powers similar to Jesus

He once went to Africa on a mission trip and fed a malnourished, small-village for weeks in one glorious night of lovemaking

this also happens to be why Africa is littered with AIDS

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Somewhere Kyle Orton is drowning himself in a bottle of Evan Williams green label.

Calvin's got a job said...

http://www.rexgrossman.com/

If you look at the 8th button on the left side bar theres a fun little piece of gold for anyone bored at work like I am.

I just "e-mailed rex" to ask for his address so i could send him a letter and a self-post marked package asking for a cup of his semen to cure my mothers emphaysema

leaf said...

"I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it."

Spooging a line in the sand for all to behold.

Nice.

ColeTrain said...

Throwgasms for all!

A Humorless Moron said...

The Sex Cannon is so fucking horny he will fuck Griese with Orton's dick, and still spray Sexy Semen in Griese manhole!

Mike Murray said...

Now that's the Rex Fucking Grossman I know and love!

WorldClass said...

I think Carson Palmer is gunning to be "Sex Cannon - Part Deux". He's sick of those fucking Hot Dog commercials and is ready to take the throne from Rex.

Seriously, he's going to get 85 and TJ killed the way he's throwing. He threw 40+ yards at least 15 times yesterday.

Jackin'4Beats said...

So was Rex firing blanks last night? Does he need some Viva Viiiiaaagra now...which is also one of the worst commercials of all time...

I wonder what we're going to do when Kyle "neck beard" Orton becomes the starting QB again?

Still love these cumslinger posts though.

Awkward Boner said...

he'll always be in our hearts. and out buttholes.

bign8te said...

PK's back. Please address factoids. Holley > Halberstam lol:

I really like MichaelHolley's stuff. He's a talk-show host for WEEI now, but his book, Patriot Reign, on a year in the life of the Belichick Patriots, was an all-time keeper. I say this not to demean the late David Halberstam, but Holley's book was significantly richer in meaningful factoids and real knowledge about Belichick than Halberstam's -- a credit to Holley, not a criticism of Halberstam.

SlickBomb said...

So glad he's back.

darthmoridin said...

We are all witnesses.

smeos said...

I, too, tend to take things sexy personally.

Like when we beat the Bengals and that loud-mouthed fucker Chad Johnson yesterday.

Abrassive said...

The Sex Cannon donated his seed to science and all the nurses got pregnant just by touching the cup.

Hooks Orpik said...

Yesss! Rest assured, next Sunday we will spell redemption R-E-X.

N.J.G said...

so did cc just pul a houdini on all of us, (for those who don;t know go to urban dictionary)?

ok and my wv is
lichclit

thats a little creepy on a sex cannon post

save the steagles said...

Thank god. I was starting to think my Sex Cannon shirt may have been a poor investment.

Skye said...

This sounds suspiciously like one Mr. Kurt Beckman

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52981

I wonder if they are related.

Suss said...

Nobody has ever accused skye of not reading links in blog posts, nor will they.

Skye said...

Yeah, missed that last little part. I'm a dumbass.