Thursday, September 6, 2007

KSK Kickoff Bukkake: Reporting Live! from Indianapolis


Man, what a fuckin' hole.

It's not even the good kind of hole, where the city is so shitty it actually derives some modicum of endearing personality. Cleveland, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Oakland -- hell, even Jacksonville -- all those cities at least haz a flavr. That flavor may be terrifyingly violent, or repulsively redneck, or that of dystopian ape-people. But hell, at least it's something. St. Louis is basically the same city as Indianapolis, but at least it has that Arch and a river.

Nor is it even the most interesting city in its own state. Gary's got enough ugliness and hopelessness to land it a team in the AFC North. South Bend is a better town for sports. French Lick has more of a claim to sports history (and a way cooler name to boot.)

No, Indianapolis commits the worst sin of all: it's fucking dull. "Scrubs" dull? Morrissey dull? Worse: west of Diwaniyah dull. By which I mean:

During the invasion of Iraq in 2003, after my unit bypassed Nasiriyah (lucky us), we stopped short of Diwaniyah -- the next sizable city on the map -- for what the generals called an "operational pause." We parked just off the side of the road bisecting endless Iraqi fields and just sat there. Presumably, other units elsewhere were doing things. Not us. Every morning before dawn, we'd get up and prepare for "stand-to," in which we got into fighting positions just in case the nonexistent enemy attacked at sunrise. Then we'd make coffee. After coffee, we'd smoke cigarettes and swat at swarming insects for the next twelve hours or so. Maybe eat an MRE, not that we wanted to eat. We got no mail. Nobody owned an iPod or a DVD player. Any magazines we had we'd already read. "Stand-to" again at dusk, two hours of uneventful watch sometime in the middle of the night, then do that again the next day.

We did that for ten days, and never in my life have I more wanted to get attacked by Islamic fundamentalists, just so I wouldn't be bored.

My point? I'd rather live those ten days again than spend another hour here.

Suck it, Indianapolis.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

17 comments:

Skye said...

Best description of boredom ever.
I would have said sitting out in the Atlantic Ocean doing gator circles for three months off the coast of Liberia on the USS Shitbox 9 when I was in the Corps (USS Guam LPH-9) was the most boring thing ever. But it is safe to say that you take the title.
I'm surprised the boredom hasn't crept up and killed you yet. Though that may mean there would be some excitement.

Scott said...

Ummmm.....I was in the Boy Scouts for a week.

Christmas Ape said...

dystopian ape-people

I'd make an indignant joke here, but I'm afraid someone from the "Caveman" sitcom would try to lure me to their staff.

Unsilent Majority said...

That sounds almost as interminable as Coffee and Cigarettes the movie.

My Insignificant Life said...

ummm....I've been married for 14 years...

J.L. White said...

The reason Indianapolis has an NFL team now was due to an act of charity by the Irsay family. Without the Colts there, everyone in town would have committed suicide due to extreme boredom by now.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I worked for a state DOT for 3 years. I tried to think for myself once and improve something and I got reprimanded.

I quit that job b/c it was too boring, but I have to say I never wished Islamic Fundimentalists would attack me.

Otto Man said...

Wait, wait, wait.

Captain Caveman was in the military?

ColeTrain said...

CC, check out the Circle in downtown to see the military memorial there. Indiana has always answered the call to war more enthusiastically than any other state since its inception.

I guess now you know why.

Lindsey said...

We do have strip clubs here, you know. And hookers. You're just being lazy. Or, is it that you're just waiting for Kelly Clarkson to hit the stage? That's it, isn't it? You dog, you.

lieutenant winslow said...

that story sucked. tell us about the time you guys found that iraqi butt-map folded up in that dude's ass, and then you and the chief and that special forces guy went to that village to get some of that kuwaiti bullion and then you guys ended up helping those iraqi people get to iran. THAT was a cool story.

naptown drew said...

God dammit.

I'm trying really hard to pretend like it's cool to live here. Please let me keep my delusions.

gewurztraminer said...

"South Bend is a better town for sports."
Oh dear god that is so very, very wrong.

Unless you count NASCAR as a sport.

devang said...

I got nothing to say about Indianapolis, considering I live in Jersey.

On a side note, I have a ton of Maxim magazines collecting dust. Anyone know where I can send it out to the troops in Afghanistan or Iraq?

Punch Rockgroin said...

How can a place called "Naptown" be so dull. I love naps!

Jackin'4Beats said...

At least Indianapolis has got C-Bus beat.

xtrarant said...

Fuck the haters. Indianapolis is a great town to live and you don't have to sell your kidneys and bodily fluids to be able to afford it. As for callign it a shitty sports town you have no fucking clue what you are talking about.

Colts. Super Bowl CHAMPION Colts, in case you didn't remember.

Pacers. yeah they suck now but basketball is still god-like in this state and city.

AAA Indianapolis Indians. Best minor league ballpark in the country (and it's not just me that's said it). Consistently a solid team.

The Indy 500 and the Brickyard 400, two of the single biggest single day sporting events in the world.

Some of the best high school basketball in the country that is still a great tournament even though some people whine about going away from single class.

And for the art lovers, it's one of the best arts towns in the midwest besides Chicago.

So fuck the haters. You can all suck it and keep reminding yourself where the Lombardi trophy is right now.

jackass.