Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Citing Executive Privilege, Bill Belichick Says "Eat a Dick."


FOXBORO, Mass. -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today defended his controversial warrantless wiretapping program in a combative press conference, calling the practice "an essential tool in the war on other teams."

"Those who would criticize this program simply fail to understand the state of the league as it exists today," Belichick said, following six minutes of inscrutable mumbling. "There are teams out there that hate our way of life, our way of winning and are bent on defeating us. We must take any and all measures to avoid that outcome."

Privacy experts and league officials have decried the practice as an unlawful invasion of personal rights. New York Jets rookie cornerback Darrelle Revis said, "This is a disgusting, unconstitutional act that borders on the Orwellian." He then added, "Fuck."

Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell determined that Belichick violated league policy when he authorized the FBI to tap the phones of the coaches of the other 31 NFL teams, as well as a few married women he was creeping with. The league also found he had installed a computer chip inside the brain of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning that causes him to see visions of M.C. Escher drawings.

Goodell said the Patriots could be fined multiple draft picks, likely a total cop-out with all the picks coming in the second day of the draft, as well as docking Patriots quarterback Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off. The Patriots immediately appealed the ruling and Brady pumped his fist menacingly in the direction of Goodell.

"The last thing this league needs is an activist commissioner trying to legislate from his cushy Manhattan office," Belichick bristled. "If we are to maintain stability in this sport, it is imperative that the New England Patriots maintain its status as the lone power atop the NFL. If not, upstart teams like the Jets could plunge the league into chaos and we could find ourselves in a world where we wouldn't know who would win the Super Bowl before the season even started."

Photoshop courtesy Dan. V.

37 comments:

Jeff said...

This is the best of the season. "Fuck."

Boyd Street said...

Pretty damn funny. Good work Billy boy.

LadyAndrea said...

Dock Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off.

Awesome, Xmas Ape. Hilarious.

Unsilent Majority said...

BANNER DAY!

Pemulis said...

that picture of him even looks a bit 'dubya-ish.

The Pirate Sloth said...

The Pats are going to win the Super Bowl?

naptown drew said...

I can't decide if Belichick is more like a gigantic douche or a turd sandwich.

Wormfather said...

I'd be happy with a punishment of a league bukkakae all over BB's fucking ugly dome.

Saberrox said...

I can't decide if Belichick is more like a gigantic douche or a turd sandwich.

When it gets ugly is when the turd sandwich starts calling the giant douche a turd sandwich.

In other words, when Eric Mangini and Belichick start having hissyfits at each other...

Upstate Underdog said...

I think Belichick is both, therefore making him a giant douche turd sandwich.

Vanilla said...

Belichick was searching the NYJ sidelines for WMDs. We all know there aren't any.

the great bambi said...

not a giant douche turd sandwich but a giant turd-filled douch

Upstate Underdog said...

@vanillaIn the Jets case WMD stands for weapons of mediocre defense. the Lets had lots of that on Sunday.

Otto Man said...

Beautifully played.

But you forgot the part where Belichek gets caught breaking the rules and accuses the people who caught him of "hating the NFL" and "abetting the cause of the hockey-doers."

Upstate Underdog said...

*Jets, not Lets

Steve said...

Belichick and Brady...

Curse those handsome devils.

Noyam said...

*Jets, not Lets

Ha, I thought that was on purpose.

Upstate Underdog said...

@noyam, maybe I should have left it as Lets. As in Lets the other team score a lot.

MannysHeadStash said...

Dock Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off.

Why would the league penalize Peter King?

Matt said...

Gigantic douche.

Signal to Noise said...

Brilliance.

The Patriots will not stand by while the other teams in the league continue to fund the insurgency.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Bill wants to dedicate this season to Slick Rick.

For those who don't like it, eat a dick.

But for those who wit him, sang that shit.

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

The Pats have to cheat in the Meadowlands and other areas of resistance, if only to prevent them from following them home.

Cecilio's Scribe said...

best post headline ever?

Jean Shorts said...

blog suck-off?

S said...

not a giant douche turd sandwich but a giant turd-filled douch

I'm not an expert in this field by any means, but that doesn't seem like it would do much good as a product. Perhaps I'm wrong.

Wormfather said...

No, a Douched turd samich

Illegal Immigrant said...

I just heard Joe Buck on the radio saying that people who think the Patriots are cheating have no right to be watching football and should all be sent to Cuba.

Bring 'em on, Buck. Fuck.

Awkward Boner said...

we can't handle the truth

The Pirate Sloth said...

Nicely played Drew - now that song is stuck in my head.

PS: Orlando sucks balls. Just thought I'd share.

James said...

'The league also found he had installed a computer chip inside the brain of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning that causes him to see visions of M.C. Escher drawings.'

hahahahaha.. hit Clark!

Randolphus Maximus said...

Bill-

People don't hate your team because of your way of life. They hate you because your cameras are in their backyard.

We've gotten so far away from what the original Patriots were founded on (from what I recall it was mostly sucking really badly and getting blown out in Superbowls). They wouldn't even recognize what they've become.

Punch Rockgroin said...

"I'm not a crook"

naptown drew said...

But guys, don't you know, it's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every season since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd. They're the only people who are enough under the salary cap to make it that far in the NFL...

Wormfather said...

I just read Bill Simmons article on this topic. Now there's vomit on my sofa...I'm calling sick tomorrow.

No, I'm not going to link the article, but I will quote it...

"And, as we learned from the Tim Donaghy scandal this summer, people tire of scandals pretty quickly. We have the attention span of tsetse flies at this point"

Oh, I think you underestimate the ability of Jets fans to remember shit. In fact I hope we miss the playoffs by one game (that would put us at at least 8-8 right) that way I'll be justified for telling my kids about this fucking team one day and how they raped its mother.

NFL said...

I really think this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion. Everyone does it, New England is just the only one stupid enough to get caught.

Wormfather said...

@nfl, yeah, I tried to use that excuse with date rape.