Yapcunt Regional: No. 3 Texan vs. No. 6 Brown. WHO YA GOT?

The specific and the abstract stare each other down, with former Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengal head coach and stadium namesake Paul Brown taking on a Texan, circa 1836-1845, when it was still a rugged frontier rather than a sprawling wasteland of high school football obsessed fat people.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. Paul Brown won with slightly over 50 percent of the vote, by a total margin of 12 votes, 718-706.

Contestants

Paul Brown_________Texan

Preferred game

Football_______Hold 'em

Has one

Life to live, which he already lived______Star on annoyingly omnipresent flag

Produced

Three NFL Championships_____Steers, queers

Interesting connections

Fired by Art Modell______Done by Debby

Sadly associated with

Unholy triumvirate: Browns, Bengals AND Ohio State___Texas, and extension, Mexico

Unfortunately sired

Mike Brown______LBJ, George W. Bush

Finishing move

Cursing Cleveland sports for eternity____Form a really fat militia

KSK Presents: The Green Zone! Your Guide To The Environmental Pussification Of The NFL!

I’m new to this whole “Save Our Planet” movement. When NBC tossed a green peacock logo on their SNF broadcast a while back, I thought I had entered some fabulous new time-warp dimension where NFL football is played on St. Patrick’s Day. I then went to a bar, got drunk, called the barmaid a no-good whore, and then broke my hand after getting into a fight with the digital jukebox because it only had one song available from my favorite Pogues album. Fucking digital jukebox. It had it coming. Offer the whole fucking album, you fuck!

Turns out, I had it all wrong. No, the whole green logo thing was part of NBC’s token effort to pretend it cared about global warming (or “climate change”, if you’re willing to let yourself be brainwashed by purposely contagious think tank marketing phrases). Now, as you know, global warming is quite a serious issue. If we don’t do something soon, half of India could be displaced 50 years from now. Which I guess is a problem. Of sorts. And half of Florida would be gone! Which, again, is kind of a tragedy. I guess. I sure would hate to lose all those Sonic restaurants. And prostitutes-turned-serial-killers.

But fear not. We at KSK are charging to the forefront of this issue. Yes, we are football fans. But we are also EARTH fans as well. After all, football is played on Earth. And beer is made on Earth. So I suppose Earth has a small role in this whole wacky enterprise. We’ve already begun taking great pains to help save the world. I’ve attached a turbine to my right hand in order to harness the energy generated from my furious sessions masturbating at home. Already, I’ve powered two schools in Montgomery County for the past month solely using my patented EcoBating system. Enjoy your history class, children. You’ll be reading about the heroics of my cock any day now.

I also recycle all my cans and bottles. Unless the county makes me rinse them before doing so. That’s a pain in the ass. Unsilent Majority is already designing a Chevy Avalanche that runs on hemp oil. And Ufford had a few ideas about this issue as well. Unfortunately, he took the entire year off because he served in the military a while back.

So we’re doing our part. But we’re only six men. Six cowardly men who are far too lazy to do anything truly impactful in this arena. So we decided to get together and do what any smart environmental crusader does: Bitch at other people to do something about it for us.

Yes, that means you, Roger Goodell. You’ve been flying around in private planes and asking for fines to be paid in pure whale blubber for far too long. It’s time for YOU to take action, sir. You run the most powerful sports league in the nation. You have the power to make something good happen. Or, at the very least, to say you’re doing something about it so people will leave you the fuck alone. That’s why we suggest adopting the following league-wide measures to help DEFEND OUR GREEN ZONE!

-Corey Ivy replaced by Poison Ivy

-Follow Chargers lead and only use recycled coaches

-Instead of pads, old gym mats

-Tampa Two reduced to Tampa One so as to be less wasteful

-Run and Gun changed to Run & Frisbee

-High Occupancy beer line for patrons over 350 lbs.

-Replay booths only show An Inconvenient Truth

-Relocate displaced polar bears to Joey Porter's house

-Vick-tailored all-hemp uniforms

-Ball made out of discarded foreskin

-Require Packers to ride bikes not just at training camp, but all goddamn year long

-Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King's santorum-leaking colon

-Spend $100,000 in energy costs converting Fieldturf fields back to real grass

-Allow angry mob to finally murder William Clay Ford

-Replace Kyoto Treaty with Kyoto Oklahoma Drill. Treaties are for homos

-All corn-based performance enhancing drugs no longer banned

-Hot dog wrapper doubles as catheter bag

-MRI's replaced with a physical exam by Dr. Nick

-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel

-Replenish lost landmasses with dirt from canisters collected by Steve Young from various NFL stadia throughout his career

-Plastic kicking tees to be replaced with small mound of, like, dirt and stuff

-New helmet to be made entirely of recycled Starbucks drink sleeves

-Planting a tree worth 9 points

-Hire Indonesia Tree Man to anchor Texans’ o-line

-All pregame speeches to include mandatory 90-minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Antarctic peninsula is so significant in this fight

-Two words: Cleveland Greens

-Throwback Oilers jerseys must be splattered with red paint, as long as it's not lead-based

-Tailgate grills replaced with tailgate gazpacho barrel

-Scouting combine to feature only Free Range athletes

-Replays from Jumbotron replaced by play re-enactments from local pantomime group

-All prime-time games to be played in the reflection of Bradshaw’s bald spot

-Spokesman Don Cheadle fired, replaced with Captain Planet

-Goodell replaced with Lorax

-Pre-commercial FOX robots to be replaced with dirty white people wearing dreadlocks

-Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons

-Team planes replaced by Hannibal's elephants

-Fans required to hold solar panels in lieu of signs

-Dan Snyder to scale back tree-cutting operations at home by .0005%

-Najeh Davenport to offer lecture series on laundry hamper composting

-Old: New York Jets. New: New York Hot-Air Balloons

-NFL Shield made by indigenous population out of native materials

-Follow Joe Gibbs’ lead and replace coaches headsets with tin can and string

-Steel Curtain Defense retrofitted to be Switchgrass Curtain Defense

-Teams required to interview vegans for head coaching positions

-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost

-Travis Henry must decrease carbon footprint, bastard kids

-Marvin Harrison and all dolphins set free

-Ray Lewis no longer allowed to murder people with Hamilton Beach electric knife

-All teams required to rub living statue Al Gore for good luck prior to game

-Ozone-killing Wade Philips emissions cut by 50%

-Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell

I hope you're listening, Goodell. Our very future as a beer-swilling, gay-taunting species hinges on what you do next. Don't let us down. This is our home. It's all we've got. Let's protect it for future generations to enjoy. Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.

Unsilent Majority Enters the Pit of Temptation

Today is Day Three of Unsilent "If the Colts lose two in a row I'll give up masturbation for a month" Majority's attempt to go a month without masturbating, and we're eager to catalogue his adventure. You know, for posterior. Er, posterity.

Being the good friend that I am, I checked up on ol' Maj today.

Me: Hey Maj, how you holdin' up? I masturbated AND had sex yesterday, and I'm already kinda horny again. I don't know how you're doing it.
Maj: die

I'd say he's doing pretty well, all things considered. Just four more weeks to go!

The rest of us in the Gay Mafia have been wondering what might be kicking around in UM's fantasies, and we enlisted the help of fifth Beatle Dan V. to bring some ideas to life. For example, here's pre-preggers Halle Berry with preggers Halle Berry's cleavage:

Alicia Keys with a crop of green to be smoked:

(Substitute Alicia for Miss Gossip and the pot for a wall of scotch, and it's suddenly a Captain Caveman fantasy.)

Maj also harbored countless schoolboy fantasies about the Baroness from G.i Joe. Just imagine if she took the Redskins' coaching woes into her own hands:

Former Cowboys cheerleader and occasional sex scene star Sarah Shahi sports some vintage Air Jordans:

And finally...

Our collective imagination is not only exceptionally twisted, it's also terrifyingly accurate. Good luck holding out, Maj. Stay strong.

Jessica Alba Endorses KSK!

Every day until voting for the 2007 Weblog Awards closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote KSK for Best Sports Blog. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is actress and Dane Cook foil Jessica Alba. Jessica, what do YOU think of KSK?

“Omigod, I love KSK! I love funny things! Lots of people think I'm just a pretty face with an impossible body and flawless complexion, but I've got a real sense of humor! I love doing comedy and looking silly! Like, I heard this one joke yesterday. Oh my God, it was SO funny! It made me laugh SO HARD! Ha ha ha! I don't remember what it was."

Thanks, Jessica! Stay tuned for more endorsements from vapid, smoking-hot actresses all week! And be sure to vote every day, even if you’re in the process of assigning yourself a new gender!

The Death Of Rex Grossman

And... that'll be all for the Sex Cannon. It made sense to lionize our friend Rex Grossman back when he threw up the occasional 3 TD game. Unfortunately Sexy Rexy is, in reality, just another shit QB. So take care, Cumslinger. It was fun while it lasted. But I think we're all looking for something a bit more stable now.

But could there be another potential Sex Cannon on the Bears roster?


Well, I'll be damned.

Citing Executive Privilege, Bill Belichick Says "Eat a Dick."

FOXBORO, Mass. -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today defended his controversial warrantless wiretapping program in a combative press conference, calling the practice "an essential tool in the war on other teams."

"Those who would criticize this program simply fail to understand the state of the league as it exists today," Belichick said, following six minutes of inscrutable mumbling. "There are teams out there that hate our way of life, our way of winning and are bent on defeating us. We must take any and all measures to avoid that outcome."

Privacy experts and league officials have decried the practice as an unlawful invasion of personal rights. New York Jets rookie cornerback Darrelle Revis said, "This is a disgusting, unconstitutional act that borders on the Orwellian." He then added, "Fuck."

Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell determined that Belichick violated league policy when he authorized the FBI to tap the phones of the coaches of the other 31 NFL teams, as well as a few married women he was creeping with. The league also found he had installed a computer chip inside the brain of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning that causes him to see visions of M.C. Escher drawings.

Goodell said the Patriots could be fined multiple draft picks, likely a total cop-out with all the picks coming in the second day of the draft, as well as docking Patriots quarterback Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off. The Patriots immediately appealed the ruling and Brady pumped his fist menacingly in the direction of Goodell.

"The last thing this league needs is an activist commissioner trying to legislate from his cushy Manhattan office," Belichick bristled. "If we are to maintain stability in this sport, it is imperative that the New England Patriots maintain its status as the lone power atop the NFL. If not, upstart teams like the Jets could plunge the league into chaos and we could find ourselves in a world where we wouldn't know who would win the Super Bowl before the season even started."

Photoshop courtesy Dan. V.

The GQ QB Shoot - The Lost Photos

Reader and Photoshop wizard Dan V. has unearthed these heretofore unseen photos of notable NFL QB's from last month's GQ photo spread. Enjoy.




Thus far, the KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $400 for disabled veterans and their families. Not bad for a piddly shit site like ours. You can donate directly to FH here.

Steely McLovin Is An Organ Donor

I went to the Steelers/Redskins game Saturday with the D.C. contingent of that disparate collective that is Steelers fandom at the fetid and unwieldly hovel that is FedEx Field. Despite having our group mooned by a 'Skins fan in a Randle El jersey, being feet away from two 'Skins fans getting into a fist fight and still not getting ejected (said another of the Raljon, Md. faithful: "We just like to scrap.") we lucked out that we didn't have to deal with the Dead Tree Crew and, even more fortuitously, we didn't see Steely motherfucking McBeam.

We would have torn him to yellow, simpering ribbons.

KSK Photoshoppeur Dan V. apparently finds amusement rather than thoughts of malevolence in the five o'clock shadowy, swishy figure that is Steely. In a series of pics that's bound to ruin my season unless the Steelers win the Super Bowl, he draws back the sallow, lacy curtain on the seedy doings of Mr. McBeam.





Did you know that Steely is Karl Rove's father?

This offseason was much more pleasant when its gayest subplot was Brady Quinn being pictured in the most compromising ways imaginable. It seems these actions only served to sow the seeds of Steely. You've inspired a monster, Brady.

It's a contagion that's sweeping the AFC North entire, even causing sworn enemies to act out in bizarre, unsettling ways.

Oh. God. No.

Fun With The L'il Bastard Photoshoppin' Kit

Reader Dan V. is quickly becoming our go-to man for expertly crafted Photoshop work. Here, he shares three terrifying images.


Yes, but even Ralphie didn't have such a dopey laugh.


I'm pretty sure the implication here is that Romeo Crennel is subpar. It's not meant to be racist. But, if Dan was being racist, then Girls Gone Sports definitely approve.


Oh, that is fucking scary. I ain't sleeping tonight.

Pacman Jones: the air of respectability that pro wrestling desperately needs right now

Our man Dan V. comes through with another kickass photoshop-- this one imagining what Pacman Jones’ wrestling debut on Thursday might look like. There have been rumblings that any wrestling on Pac’s part could violate his NFL contract. But Jones may figure that his bridges with the Titans are burned anyway, so he might as well cash a few checks before he moves into the crossbar hotel.

We can only wait and see if Pac actually makes it rain at his matches. However, in doing so, he would be edging dangerously close to infringing on the greatest wrestling gimmick of all time. One thing wrestlers don’t tolerate in their business is gimmick thieves. And who can blame them-- drug addicts, spouse abusers, habitual criminals and serial killers are one thing, but gimmick thievery is a serious offense. [Update: reader Barry sends in this link to my favorite Million Dollar Man interview.]

The man in a wheelchair because of Jones’ alleged lawlessness is named Tommy Urbanski. Apparently, Urbanski was once “enhancement talent” (think perennial losers like Brooklyn Brawler or Special Delivery Jones) in the then-WWF. So now Jones is parlaying the notoriety obtained in Urbanski’s shooting into the career that Urbanski craved, but, presumably, couldn’t make it in. Wow. Urbanski must really hate Jones now. Here’s hoping that TNA money winds up in the pockets of Urbanski and the rest of the people Jones has crapped on in his life.

KSK and Peter King Agree: Brady Quinn Is a Jackass

Recently, there's been much some ado about Brady Quinn's preposterous holdout, in which the draft's #22 pick has yet to report to training camp because he and agent Tom Condon feel that Quinn deserves top-ten money.

And I think we can all say in unison: Fuck Brady Quinn. I feel like carrying a claw hammer around in my bag so I can brutally murder people on the subway. I feel like my taste and judgment should be respected to the point where I could euthanize freely without prosecution. But guess what? The world isn't run by the way I feel about things, so the people who cut in line at clubs because they think they're fucking special get to enjoy another day without their skulls turned inside out.

And you know who's on board with me here? Our main man Peter King:

It isn't just the front office that's frustrated with Quinn. Players are usually business-will-be-business guys, but I got a sense a few of his teammates think Quinn is out of mind for not being in camp. And he shouldn't expect a welcome mat whenever he arrives...

Compounding the problem is that Quinn did an autograph show in Cleveland earlier this summer and charged $75 per autographed photo. Talk about rubbing the locals the wrong way. That, combined with this ill-advised holdout, led one Browns insider to tell me the team wouldn't be surprised when Quinn finally reported to training camp. There would probably be a segment of fans on hand that would boo him...

Bottom line: The Browns would love to serve up on a silver platter the quarterback job to this Ohio golden boy, but he's probably within two or three days of getting so far behind, it would be hard for him to catch up and earn the starting job before midseason.

And you know what that means, NFL fans? It means several more weeks of THE CHARLIE FRYE EXPERIENCE.

"Aw man, I'm gonna have to go back out there soon."

In other words, bookies are already scrambling to find new numbers large enough to set the spread in Browns games. Can they cover eleventy? Doubt it.

But hey, outside of that autograph signing thing and missing his chance to become the starter right away, Brady's at least a home-grown boy winning over the locals, right? Right?

Well, according to Cleveland native and longtime Browns fan Brian... no. Brian wrote us last weekend (July 27th, to be precise) to tell us of his encounter with Quinn (the veracity of which we of course cannot verify). But in the true spirit of Internet rumor-mongering, I include Brian's lengthy email in near-entirety below, partially because it sounds plausible, but at least partly because I felt we should reward the first person to ever send us an email that was free from rampant grammatical errors, misspellings, and incoherent thought.

Having just turned 21 in February, this summer has been my first real exposure to the Cleveland bar scene. In a word: not that sweet. Regardless, last weekend I was at a popular place in the Warehouse District called the Blind Pig. My friend and I were checking out the skirt population (which was not that sweet either) when out of the corner of my eye I notice a pretty big dude with beautiful brown locks.

"Holy shit," I tell my friend, "That's Brady Quinn"

I walk towards him, politely stick out my hand and say "You're Brady Quinn. Nice to meet you, man."

Brady: "Uhhh, I don't know what you're talking about."
Me: "Dude...you're Brady Quinn."
Brady (laughing awkwardly): "Oh yeah well, uh, I get that all the time."
Me: "Yeah, you get that all the time BECAUSE you're Brady Quinn."

Brady and his posse of Irish Catholic friends then walk away without saying another word. I don't have even the slightest inkling of a doubt that it was Brady and that he's a lying sack of 85 dollar per autograph signing piece of shit. My brother went to Notre Dame. My roommate is obsessed with the football team. I had been subject to more Brady Quinn stories/stats/info than I had ever desired, and that was BEFORE the Browns squandered a probable 2008 top-10 pick on him. The guy was about 6'4" and visibly jacked under a loose fitting navy, gold and white Adidas tshirt (ND colors; Adidas also sponsors the football team). It was him.

I said this at the time of the draft, and this anecdote only reinforces that belief: Brady Quinn belongs in Cleveland as much as Michael Vick belongs in an animal hospital. The guy is a snobby pretty boy asshole with no concern for his fans or the town. Joe Thomas? The guy who gutted a fucking trout on ESPN during the draft? He's a Cleveland Brown.

Also a Cleveland Brown? Charlie Frye. He exudes the quiet crappiness that the team and city have come to represent. Have fun this season, Cleveland.

(Thanks to reader Dan V. for the Photoshop.)

And They Call It... Puppy Love

Reader Dan V. sends us this tender Michael Vick image. Kudos to you, Dan.

For your Friday cheerleader, here's former Ravens cheerleader Stacy Kiebler, who is almost as cute as a litter of puppies, but not quite. Click here for more. Have a good weekend, kids.