I’m new to this whole “Save Our Planet” movement. When NBC tossed a green peacock logo on their SNF broadcast a while back, I thought I had entered some fabulous new time-warp dimension where NFL football is played on St. Patrick’s Day. I then went to a bar, got drunk, called the barmaid a no-good whore, and then broke my hand after getting into a fight with the digital jukebox because it only had one song available from my favorite Pogues album. Fucking digital jukebox. It had it coming. Offer the whole fucking album, you fuck!
Turns out, I had it all wrong. No, the whole green logo thing was part of NBC’s token effort to pretend it cared about global warming (or “climate change”, if you’re willing to let yourself be brainwashed by purposely contagious think tank marketing phrases). Now, as you know, global warming is quite a serious issue. If we don’t do something soon, half of India could be displaced 50 years from now. Which I guess is a problem. Of sorts. And half of Florida would be gone! Which, again, is kind of a tragedy. I guess. I sure would hate to lose all those Sonic restaurants. And prostitutes-turned-serial-killers.
But fear not. We at KSK are charging to the forefront of this issue. Yes, we are football fans. But we are also EARTH fans as well. After all, football is played on Earth. And beer is made on Earth. So I suppose Earth has a small role in this whole wacky enterprise. We’ve already begun taking great pains to help save the world. I’ve attached a turbine to my right hand in order to harness the energy generated from my furious sessions masturbating at home. Already, I’ve powered two schools in Montgomery County for the past month solely using my patented EcoBating system. Enjoy your history class, children. You’ll be reading about the heroics of my cock any day now.
I also recycle all my cans and bottles. Unless the county makes me rinse them before doing so. That’s a pain in the ass. Unsilent Majority is already designing a Chevy Avalanche that runs on hemp oil. And Ufford had a few ideas about this issue as well. Unfortunately, he took the entire year off because he served in the military a while back.
So we’re doing our part. But we’re only six men. Six cowardly men who are far too lazy to do anything truly impactful in this arena. So we decided to get together and do what any smart environmental crusader does: Bitch at other people to do something about it for us.
Yes, that means you, Roger Goodell. You’ve been flying around in private planes and asking for fines to be paid in pure whale blubber for far too long. It’s time for YOU to take action, sir. You run the most powerful sports league in the nation. You have the power to make something good happen. Or, at the very least, to say you’re doing something about it so people will leave you the fuck alone. That’s why we suggest adopting the following league-wide measures to help DEFEND OUR GREEN ZONE!
-Corey Ivy replaced by Poison Ivy
-Follow Chargers lead and only use recycled coaches
-Instead of pads, old gym mats
-Tampa Two reduced to Tampa One so as to be less wasteful
-Run and Gun changed to Run & Frisbee
-High Occupancy beer line for patrons over 350 lbs.
-Replay booths only show An Inconvenient Truth
-Relocate displaced polar bears to Joey Porter's house
-Vick-tailored all-hemp uniforms
-Ball made out of discarded foreskin
-Require Packers to ride bikes not just at training camp, but all goddamn year long
-Install hydroelectric dam at base of Peter King's santorum-leaking colon
-Spend $100,000 in energy costs converting Fieldturf fields back to real grass
-Allow angry mob to finally murder William Clay Ford
-Replace Kyoto Treaty with Kyoto Oklahoma Drill. Treaties are for homos
-All corn-based performance enhancing drugs no longer banned
-Hot dog wrapper doubles as catheter bag
-MRI's replaced with a physical exam by Dr. Nick
-New hybrid Pats/Sox/Celts fan runs almost exclusively on vinegar-based fuel
-Replenish lost landmasses with dirt from canisters collected by Steve Young from various NFL stadia throughout his career
-Plastic kicking tees to be replaced with small mound of, like, dirt and stuff
-New helmet to be made entirely of recycled Starbucks drink sleeves
-Planting a tree worth 9 points
-Hire Indonesia Tree Man to anchor Texans’ o-line
-All pregame speeches to include mandatory 90-minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Antarctic peninsula is so significant in this fight
-Two words: Cleveland Greens
-Throwback Oilers jerseys must be splattered with red paint, as long as it's not lead-based
-Tailgate grills replaced with tailgate gazpacho barrel
-Scouting combine to feature only Free Range athletes
-Replays from Jumbotron replaced by play re-enactments from local pantomime group
-All prime-time games to be played in the reflection of Bradshaw’s bald spot
-Spokesman Don Cheadle fired, replaced with Captain Planet
-Goodell replaced with Lorax
-Pre-commercial FOX robots to be replaced with dirty white people wearing dreadlocks
-Blue Angels replaced by loud pigeons
-Team planes replaced by Hannibal's elephants
-Fans required to hold solar panels in lieu of signs
-Dan Snyder to scale back tree-cutting operations at home by .0005%
-Najeh Davenport to offer lecture series on laundry hamper composting
-Old: New York Jets. New: New York Hot-Air Balloons
-NFL Shield made by indigenous population out of native materials
-Follow Joe Gibbs’ lead and replace coaches headsets with tin can and string
-Steel Curtain Defense retrofitted to be Switchgrass Curtain Defense
-Teams required to interview vegans for head coaching positions
-Heinz Field turf now 100 percent compost
-Travis Henry must decrease carbon footprint, bastard kids
-Marvin Harrison and all dolphins set free
-Ray Lewis no longer allowed to murder people with Hamilton Beach electric knife
-All teams required to rub living statue Al Gore for good luck prior to game
-Ozone-killing Wade Philips emissions cut by 50%
-Chicago Bears allowed to roam free, gnaw on remains of Timothy Treadwell
I hope you're listening, Goodell. Our very future as a beer-swilling, gay-taunting species hinges on what you do next. Don't let us down. This is our home. It's all we've got. Let's protect it for future generations to enjoy. Unless the Pats go 19-0. In which case, you may as well let the whole fucking place burn.