Friday, November 9, 2007

Teasers Never Lose--Three Times In a Row

Welcome to Week 10 of Always Be Covering. Because I refuse to forgive New England for taking a knee last week (also, the bye week thing) I've been forced to get a little bit creative. You know what that means...it's time for the funnest shitty bet in the history of gambling!

The Humongous Tease!

Jessica Alba, the biggest fucking tease there is. Seriously , show us the goods. God forbid you should let me see the crack of your ass. If you don't get naked then I'm never going to be able to not think about fucking you underwater (Deep Blue rules!). Selfish fucking bitch.

Here it is, 4 games teased by 6 points (the first commenter to say that I got the line wrong will be hooked up to the KSK Genital Electrocution Machine (GEM)...patent pending.
Risking 40 to win 120

Kansas City +3 vs. Denver

Jay Cutler is going to start, and some people are actually pretending that this matters. He's a bum (but Stan's dad thinks he might be good one day) and Kansas City's pass rush will probably put his busted ass in the locker room. They don't even need Larry Johnson. Denver's rush defense will resurrect Priest Holmes, if only for an afternoon.

Buffalo +4 at Miami

The Bills are fucking gold. They're the shitty Patriots of covering the spread. Their only two non-covers came on the road, but this is a teased game with Miami. The chances of the team plane taking a header into the Keys are just slightly lower than Miami beating anybody by more than a field goal.


New Orleans -6 vs. St. Louis

See, this is why I love teasers! New Orleans lost four in a row, and now they've won four in a row. If you follow the pattern it's quite obvious that they're going to win this week. On a completely unrelated note, I got a 650 on the SAT.


Indianapolis +2 at San Diego

Wow, this teaser is pure unadulterated gold. This advice might be more valuable than a healthy set of lungs on the black market (Marv Levy is looking to make a buy). San Diego is pretty good, but their coach is a fucking joke and their quarterback is that douche from Fashionable Male. If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.

Good luck, as if you need it!

Now who wants to make a side bet that Herm Edwards completely fucks me out of this teaser?

Bonus Commenter Debate!

Over/Under on the total number of segments involving the Patriots on the five (ESPN, CBS, FOX, NBC, NFL) Sunday preview/recap shows despite their bye week: 4

So who ya got?

25 comments:

twoeightnine said...

I got $5000 on the Over. There's 5 networks, each one is going to do some segment on the Pats. Each is going to bring up last weeks game when they're talking about the Colts. And I heard Stetson is planning some big half time celebration starring Tom Brady as they debut their new anal lube.

Seriously, go to http://www.stetsoncologne.com/ Stetson - Starring Tom Brady ... and available at Wal-Mart.

(Word Verification: kskmnz, that's way too gay to be a coincidence.)

Signal to Noise said...

I'm with 289 on this: take the over on Pats' knobslobbing on the bye.

I'm considering taking you up on the side bet that Herm will screw you out of it, but Shanny may be beating him in the "out-thinking himself" department this year.

Dan said...

Dude, an over/under of 4? Are you kidding me? I'll take the over before 12:15 EST on CBS or Fox. I'll take the over of how many times they mention Don Shula along with the Pats. I'll friggin' bet they mention the Pats more often than you see Peyton's ugly mug hawking credit cards or Sprint PCS cell phones. And to Drew, I hope this Burt Reynolds nonsense is behind us.

Evan said...

FYI, if you insist on making stupid bets with real money each week, I'd advise taking your business elsewhere. Bodog deals two separate lines, and you are getting the lines reserved for donkeys and losers. Bet elsewhere and you'd be getting another half-point on 3 out of your 4 plays.

David said...

I hadn't looked at the lines yet, so forgive my incredulity, but...

Miami is LAYING points? Sign me up for Bodog! It's like free money week!

Unsilent Majority said...

It's a teaser.

Steve H said...

@unsilent - yes, and damn Jessica Alba for being so.

Seriously though, looking at Cam Cameron's job at Miami makes it easier to see how AJ Smith thought Norv Turner was a good coach...

Unsilent Majority said...

evan- I don't actually care enough to go out and price shop. Yeah, I'm just that lazy. Really I'm just trying to entertain myself. The only line I see that's really off (keep in mind I made the bet before today so some have changed) looks like Indy.
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx

Tell me where to get the best combination of lines, user interface, and dependability and I'll look into it for next week.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm pretty sure we get one guy every week that doesn't realize that UM has teased the lines.

Bills are money in the bank this week, teased or unteased.

Unsilent Majority said...

well i don't employ the tease every week. but yeah, whenever i do it's pretty much a lock.

Wormfather said...

You got the lines wrong.

lost said...

occasionally I employ a tease, while i'm waiting for wounds from the dominatrix to heal

Bryan said...

If you want to be taken seriously as an actress, pictures like this will help.

Steve said...

UM, The SAT is biased against black people, everyone knows that. Wait, you're not actually black? Never mind then.

Permanent4 said...

Jessica's not showing us the goods because she doesn't want to show us the cold sores.

Other than that, fucking her underwater sounds nice, but only if she sheds those pesky scuba tanks.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I thought she was 36. Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her

MDT said...

Grats on the Weblog repeat. Champagne Awardshow Bukkake today?

Hyatt said...

Philip Rivers will screw your Fantasy team in a very uncomfortable place, like the back of a volkswagon.

Mike said...

Mallrats references always win

dbozek said...

I'm betting my house on the over unless you mean 4 times by each network. Then I would just bet the car.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Wait, you people actually READ that post?

Barry said...

I go with Vegas for dependability.
http://www.vegas.com/gaming/

Unsilent Majority said...

thanks cock

Evan said...

WSEX.com is probably good for your purposes, you won't be getting ripped off as much on their spreads, though I'm not sure what their teaser odds are. Skybook.com will give you a free 1/2 point on all your wagers, but it's probably one class below WSEX in terms of reliability, they paid me with a smile however. Thegreek.com is the most reliable, though its tough to find great odds there.

larry b said...

Hindsight is 20/20, but 3 misses and a push.... whifffffffffff. Better luck next week.