Monday, November 19, 2007

I Am A F—king Retard


Hey! Hey, guys! Yeah, I’m here on the FIELD! Boy, there sure are a lot of people out here! These guys out here are playing FOOTBALL! Sure looks like they’re working really hard!

Ow! I bumped my head on the microphone again!

I tell you what, Dick. These players are really fired up! I think they’re really happy they just scored! Boy, you can really feel the enthusiasm down here! Sometime I like to touch my taint and then smell it!

I think it’s kinda windy out here. Wind confuses me, because it’s invisible!

I was gonna go talk to one of the coaches during halftime but he was too far away!

Joe Buck is a fag, guys! Am I right or what?

I don't know how you guys hear me up there. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I TALK REAL LOUD!

I think they’re barbecuing nearby! Boy, I sure could go for some food, because I’m fat, and FOX hired me because they think all their viewers are braindead Jersey assholes! You know, sometimes I get Elmer’s Glue and vanilla frosting confused!

The team doctor said I should keep my helmet on during retirement!

Ow! I stared at the sun for too long again!

Oh! Oh! I think a player just got hurt! Boy, that looked bad! He’s limping! And now he’s walking around the bench! And now he’s eating stray pretzel bits. And I think his wing is messed up! Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, Dick. That’s actually a bird, and not a player. My bad! This job is HARD!

If you roll a pencil up in your foreskin, it looks like you stuck a pencil through your peepee! Tee hee hee!

Those cheerleaders have big boobies! I like to bite them when they aren’t suspecting it!

Ow! I tried walking through a wall again. Sometimes I try and act like I’m The Thing!

I tell you what, guys, that #56 out there is one tough player! He’s hitting people, and he’s being hit, and he keeps trying to get the ball! That’s my kind of player!

Quaterbacks are pussies. Except for Brett Favre. He’s Siragusa tough! And Tom Brady. And Peyton Manning. And Tony Romo. And about 30 other guys!

You know what would be cool? If the defenders had lasers!

Ow! I licked the hot dog roller again!

Back to you, Dick!

25 comments:

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

He's a big dumb ox, isn't folks?

Unsilent Majority said...

does anyone really understand wind?

Wormfather said...

If you roll a pencil up in your foreskin, it looks like you stuck a pencil through your peepee! Tee hee hee!

David said...

I always wondered if one could OD on Crisco. Siragusa solves that riddle for me.

devang said...

I can't believe I went to the same High School as this lummox. Ugh, this is just another sad reminder.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

@Maj - We're working on a technology for that.

From the other side of town said...

I like to run up and down the sidlines like I'm riding a horse. I call it "Siragusa pony."

StuScottBooyahs said...

Finally, an anti-Siragusa post. What took you so long.

Gourmet Spud said...

John Belushi > Chris Farley > Jeff Garlin > John Belushi's corpse > Artie Lange > Chris Farley's corpse doing an impression of John Belushi's corpse > Tony Siragusa

SDW said...

@ gourmet spud:

+10

Cheers, lad.

StuScottBooyahs said...

I really appeal to the regular American sports fan, according to market research! I like drinkin' beer, eatin' wings and tailgating flamboyantly with my buddies who are all wearing different jersies, just like in those commercials! But not going to Hooters, though, because that objectifies women! And I always drink in moderation!

Mike said...

I've got bigger tits than Andrea Kramer and Suzy Kolbert!

Hyatt said...

@gourmet spud

... Tony Siragusa > Frank Caliendo

jmorrisking said...

You just know Tony thinks gravy is a beverage. But to be fair, its hard to keep your wits (or 1/2 wit in his case) about you when cheerleaders and cameramen are orbiting around your waist all day.

StuScottBooyahs said...

Andrea Kramer is hot. There, I said it.

BTW, she appeared to be flirting with Brady during the post-game interview.

Phony Gwynn said...

Siragusa is Spanish for "goose syrup."

It's true - I asked a Mexican.

JAMMQ said...

Amazingly, Tony Siragusa is not the most brain-dead football announcer in FOX's employ . . . that honor belongs to Tim Ryan.

Honorable mention: Tony Boselli

Pepster said...

jmorrisking - I wish I had cheerleaders orbiting around my waist all day.

miamidiesel said...

Boy, I sure could go for some food, because I’m fat, and FOX hired me because they think all their viewers are braindead Jersey assholes!

Yea, because you just know that if FOX thought all its viewers were from Minnesota/Wisconsin/random fat fuck dumb fuck Midwest state, the announcers would be less fat and stupid...

Mike Georger said...

i honestly thought that was that fat fuck don vito and didnt get the article until his name was mentioned at the end. not sure if that makes me look stupid, or makes tony look more pathetic

Dusty said...

Siragusa looks like someone tried to shove 10 lbs of shit into a 5 lb bag. I think dandelions have higher IQ's than Tony Baloney.

jmorrisking said...

@pepster:

You probably got a better chance of grabbing one..he has to hit the drive through because he can't sit at a table...you shouldn't be able to use your stomach as a fold-out....

B & G Do Europe said...

He's like a much more crude and enormously fatter Phillipe.

StuScottBooyahs said...

Siragusa looks like someone tried to shove 1000 lbs of shit into a 500 lb bag.

fixed

Johnny said...

Anyone else remember the time when Siragusa got arrested at 2 AM in a White Castle drive through when he was with the Colts?