Monday, November 12, 2007

Peyton Manning and Adam Viniateri Don't Want Me to Masturbate

If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.

Oh fuck.

You guys know that everything I write in Always Be Covering is a joke, right?

You couldn't really expect me to live up to that guarantee, could you?

Ah shit, this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

The Maj Is Master of His Domain
Day 1

Step 1: Eliminate the temptations


This morning I woke up determined to get the month off on the right foot, but Daniel Day Lewis said that was cheating. Fucking lefty. This might be even more difficult than I imagined. Thank god I'm not dating Marla the virgin (although I won't be seeing my girlfriend for a full week...so Saturday and Sunday at Deadspin might be a bit tense).

Although I'm just over 12 hours in to the longest month of my life noticeable changes are already beginning to emerge. For instance, the blindness that has afflicted me since puberty has finally ceased. I can see the light, and it burns! Best of all I can finally get rid of my anti-semitic guide dog, Peaches.

Ver are your papers? Show me your papers!*


I got em right here [grabs crotch, thrusts pelvis] bitch!


Oops, I think I almost cheated by accident.


So begins my thirtyone day odyssey. Of course none of this would be happening if the best kicker in the history of kicking pointed prolate spheroids hadn't missed the easiest field goal of all time. But it only came down to that because Peyton couldn't stop throwing it to the San Diego defense, and don't tell me things would be much different if MarHar and Dallas played. No, the only possible explanation for this perfect storm of chokeration is...ME!

It should be obvious to anyone paying attention that Viniateri and Manning are to members of a conspiratorial organization that's hell-bent on bringing down The Maj. Other members include Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and of course, the Colonel (you can't have a Pentavirate without five members).

Or perhaps I truly am the world's greatest jinx...fortunately I have plenty of free time in the next thirty days to launch a full investigation. And of course, plenty of free time to keep you readers apprised of my progress.

I'm already feeling a bit backed up. If Jessica Alba appears naked on the internet in the next 30 days my testes will blow like the Hindenburg...and it'll be totally worth it!

and now, just because...



*credit to D.C. Benny

45 comments:

Rob I said...

Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken are ya?

Christmas Ape said...

Your spank mag doesn't have a picture of Gilbert Arenas on the cover?

SportsGirl365 said...

Jesus Christ. I'm going to have to clear my calendar.

allie said...

there seems to be no upside to that bet. perhaps you should've said, and if they don't lose two straight, I'll masturbate every day for a month.

of course, the outcome would've been the same...

The Last Unitard said...

I demand that UM wear some sort of anti-jackin'-it monitoring device in his pants.

Surely we can't be expected to take this scoundrel at his word.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I just hope UM doesn't own a dog.

rand said...

there's a joke about the colts choking, and a chicken somewhere, but i'm still coming off a weekend of cotto/mosley, and being the only charger fan at the bar last night.

gods be maj, wait is that ok to say in a masturbation bet?

Illegal Immigrant said...

HA! I pop one off first thing every morning (noon, early afternoon, whenever I wake up) before reading this blog.

If it wasn't for the fact that the Skins just lost to the uggles and have to play Romo the Homo, this might be the best month ever.

Gourmet Spud said...

You remind me of a gambling-Gandhi. Only difference is that when HE gave up masturbating, it was for charity.

Barney said...

Hang tough Maj! I'm right there with you...

Why this should be, oh, no...

umm, I guess I'm not. Stupid desktop background.

Sorry Maj. You're on your own.

- B

mamacita said...

Wow. For a whole month you have to try not to think about Marisa Miller lying in the surf with those gorgeous tits and nothing but an iPod covering up an excellent wax job.

I plan to keep this up.

twoeightnine said...

UM's email address is conveniently located in the right hand sidebar. It's a gmail account so that means plenty of space for any pictures or movies that you wish to send him.

smurphette said...

Hey Maj, thanks for jinxing my team:

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l3/intogossip/December%202006/jessica_alba_3.jpg

Unsilent Majority said...

ok everybody. it's been eleven minutes and thirty of you have already emailed me pictures of 289's mom. i get it, she's hairy.

SportsGirl365 said...

A few of us have some side betting going on and I'm setting the over/under at 18 days.

Anyone else in?

twoeightnine said...

You're Jewish, you should be used to hairy women by now.

Unsilent Majority said...

ten grand on the over

Unsilent Majority said...

289 is unfamiliar with the concept of shiksappeal

devang said...

www.freexcafe.com

WV - rugmpt

Illegal Immigrant said...

A milion Stanley Nickles on a push

devang said...

Got an easy solution for you UM. Just go watch the 2girls1cup video. You'll stop masturbating for a few months

Gourmet Spud said...

"ten grand on the over."

No masturbation-related add-on? The worst thing a gambler can lose is his nerve...

My Insignificant Life said...

Does this mean that sheep can breath a sigh of relief? or do they need to run scared?

Unsilent Majority said...

i'll let you know in a few days

J.L. White said...

Jeez, I feel terrible. Here I've got almost unlimited access to some of the best lesbian porn out there, with nary a roommate or a loved one to scold me, and Maj must go through life spank-less.

(I assume he won't live 30 days in his present condition.)

Michael said...

I know this is just adding insult to injury, but doesnt the fact that three of the four teams in your teaser failed to cover make you feel that much dumber? yeah, you should never gamble with your ability for spanking it, but hopefully your lack of money is forcing you to work overtime to fend off the mob and keep you out of trouble.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Maj,

No post ranting about the 'Skins loss? I even checked all afternoon and evening yesterday...after I nearly destroyed my living room furniture.

From at least 3:20 left in the 4thQ and on Gibbs/Saunders play calling was panicky, gutless, stupid and all too familiar. RUN THE FUCKING BALL!

I start a bounty on Brian Westbrook's knees. Philly ain't shit without him. I've $20.00 to the brave soul who carries this out.

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah, that forty dollar loss has sent me directly to the poor house.

MemphisRaines said...

Can't you just go double or nothing on them losing 3 in a row? Scarjo and Sienna think it would be a good idea.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Not seeing the girlfriend for a week? I bet she lives in Canada, right?

twoeightnine said...

I'm not saying I'd marry one, but if four years at Lehigh taught me one thing it's;

The Chosen Whores give the best head.

Cliff said...

In Canada they don't masturbate; they matriculate.

Derrick said...

Maj- if it makes you feel any better, the girlfriend and I are doing 40 days with no sex (including oral). Why? I have no fucking clue. Currently on Day 8, and I feel I'm totally justified in nailing a $1000 call girl.

twoeightnine said...

I hate to break it to you derrick. She's banging someone else and in 40 days (or less) you're going to be single.

Derrick said...

Nah- I have spies watching her. I'm psychotic like that.

SportsGirl365 said...

derrick, if you can CHOOSE to go 40 days without sex with your girlfriend, that must be pretty crappy sex to begin with.

Tell her to get on top for once. That might help.

Unsilent Majority said...

Derrick, she's obviously testing you for marriage.

swing4 said...

There is absolutely no possible way he makes it longer than three days.

Four if his life depended on it.

Derrick said...

Maj- I'm not falling for that shit (again)!

deafjeff said...

I'm OUT!

Otto Man said...

In Canada they don't masturbate; they matriculate.

Hank Stram was Canadian?

Robocats said...

You? You'll be out before we get the check.

lost said...

is it masturbation if somebody watches you do it? do they have to know that you know that they're watching?

what if it lands on them? surely that's not masturbating? how far away do they have to be before it becomes masturbation? 4 feet? 12 floors down?

anyhow, i'm probably off the wagon already

fallex said...

Frottage.

Marc said...

WELL?

How many hours did you hold out?

The month is almost up!