Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ask Michael Wilbon!

From time to time, KSK has reeled in big-name NFL players and analysts to answer questions from fans the world over. We had Mark Schlereth, Tony Dungy and, of course, Yukon Cornelius. Well today, we have a very special guest here with us. It's Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon, co-host of PTI and full-time caddy for Charles Barkley! Onto your questions!

Bob T., Bethesda: Hi Mike, I’m a big fan. I just wanted to get your most recent thoughts on Sean Taylor’s death. Has your perspective changed at all in recent days?

Michael Wilbon: What a stupid question. I’m a journalist, okay? I stand by what I wrote. Is his death sad? Yes. Did it surprise me? Not in the least. Not any aspect of it at all. Not even the time it occurred, which was early morning. Now I knew Sean a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And I can tell you, that bad elements WERE a part of his life at some point. Maybe not anymore. But they were there. So don’t bring that junk about me having to change my perspective. Okay?

Mary J., Brooklyn: Hi, Mike! What’s your reaction to the Yankees’ resigning Alex Rodriguez?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I don’t care about A-Rod. Do you care about A-Rod? Because I don’t. We already talked about A-Rod on PTI today, okay? We’ve talked about it on PTI for two weeks, specifically because I don’t care about it. So don’t bring that junk in here. Am I in awe of his new contract? Yes. Am I surprised the Yankees would be dumb enough to give it to him? Not in the least. Now, I know Alex a little bit. Not a lot. But we’ve spent SOME time together. And this is not out of the ordinary. Why aren’t we talking about Marion Jones? Now THAT is a story!

Roy K., Boston: Michael, what is your opinion on the Patriots? Do you think they can go undefeated?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I don’t know if they can go undefeated unless they GO undefeated, okay? Is their record impressive right now? Yes. Would I be surprised if they lost? Not in the least. Now I know Bill Belichick a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. We’ve hung out at a few… gentlemen’s establishments. He knows how hard it is to go undefeated, okay? So don’t bring that undefeated talk in here. It’s just a bunch of junk. You don’t know. I don’t know. But would I be surprised if they went 19-0? Not in the least. Knucklehead.

Frank R., Indianapolis: Michael, I just heard Charles Barkley on the radio saying the Redskins are racist for memorializing Sean Taylor in a parking spot. Doesn’t he understand that was his defensive player of the month spot?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. Charles is crazy, okay? You can’t listen to anything he says. Charles is a good friend of mine, okay? He’s a good good good good friend. Am I surprised he said something like that? Not in the least. That’s what he does. So don't come in here bringing that junk about Charles being crazy. He’s supposed to be crazy!

Dave H., KC: Michael, how about that Kim Kardashian! Is she hot or what?! Badonka-DUNK!!!

Wilbon: Oooh, Kim! Yeah, I like that!

Shannon B., Arlington: Hey Michael, who do you think the Skins will look at in the draft?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. IT’S THE SEASON, OKAY? I hate the draft! Do you really expect me to talk to you about what you want to talk about? That’s not why I’m here, okay? I want to talk about the Wizards. Have you even seen the Wizards play yet? I bet you haven’t. I bet you were too busy watching your precious Redskins. See, that’s my problem with this town. They aren't focused on the things I would like them to focus on. And that bothers me. And I don’t want to say they have an aversion to prominent black athletes, but they may have an aversion to prominent black athletes. Now, I know Gilbert Arenas a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. But I bet he comes back firing on all cylinders. Does that answer your question, jackass?

Dan Q., Las Vegas: Michael, I was wondering what you thought about the upcoming OJ Simpson…

Wilbon: What a stupid question. NEXT!

Jimmy D., Malibu: HOLY SHIT! A fucking spaceship just landed outside my window! It’s all over the news! My God, it extends to the fucking horizon! I’ve never seen anything like it! It’s First Contact! Can you fucking believe this?!!

Wilbon: What a stupid question. Of course I believe it. Have we ever encountered intelligent life from other systems? No. Am I surprised they would land today, right outside your kitchen window? Not in the least. Were you really arrogant enough to assume we were the only lifeform in the universe when life on Earth grows in so many diverse places, and often in hostile environments? Why would anyone be surprised? Now, I know the chief of the Naval Observatory a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. Said it was a matter of time that something like this would happen. So don’t bring that junk in here about how all amazed you are. Knucklehead.

Gary S., Seattle: AHHHHH!!!!!! ALIENS HAVE ATTACKED MY HOUSE!!! MY WIFE WAS JUST COMPLETELY INCINERATED BY SOME SORT OF DEATH RAY!!! OMIGOD! THESE ALIENS MEAN FUCKING BUSINESS! GREAT FUCKING FLAMING TESTICLES! WHAT DO WE DO?!!!

Wilbon: What a stupid question. You have no clue as to the background of any of these aliens, yet you automatically categorize them as thugs. It’s not right, okay? It's only cute when I do it. Am I surprised that aliens possess a death ray that can eliminate all physical matter? Not in the least. But let’s not paint all invading aliens with the same brush, okay? This isn't a blog. Let's hold off on the speculation on this until all the information is in.

DAROJIX 97, THE LIGHTRON NEBULA: Greetings, Earthling. We have come to enslave you and make you build us a new intergalactic base for our fleet of FittuCrafts. If you do not accept our demands, we will destroy every last one of you. What say you to this request?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I’m a BLACK man, okay? Don’t bring that slave junk in here. I’m not gonna tolerate that. Now, am I surprised aliens would try and enslave me via a web chat? Not in the least. Tiger Woods and I talked about that possibility just last week. Now I know Tiger a little bit. I consider him a friend. But I am no man’s slave. And I hate “Seinfeld”. I really, really, really fucking hate it.

Jane P., New York: Why did you agree to a chat if you're just gonna treat us all like we're drooling idiots?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I am here to EDUCATE you, okay? NEXT!

Tom S., Chicago: Mike, how do you think the Cubbies will do this year? GO CUBS! WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Wilbon: Now THAT is a good question.

Fred T., Dallas: Mike, who's more NOW: Tiger or Federer?

Wilbon: Another good question! There's hope for you people after all.

28 comments:

Elizabeth the Conqueror said...

After a shitty day at work, this just made it awesome.

How awesome? I don't know. What a stupid question.

Pemulis said...

i for one am upset the term "knuckleheads" wasnt used at least once in this post. Am I surprised i wasnt? no, i know bdd a little bit. not a lot. just a little

Ryan The Intern said...

Stupid question: Can we get a Simmons one of these someday?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I fucked up, pemulis. It's in there now.

Bobby said...

Bobby T, New York City: Michael what do you think is wrong with the Knicks?

Wilbon:What a stupid question you knucklehead. We know whats wrong in New York. It's Isiah. Now I know him, not a lot, but a little bit. We had a 3some in the MSG parking garage. He was all over the place, sloppy. I would have fired him on the spot. Next question.

Chris said...

I don't think you like Wilbon.

Dachs said...

Emmitt, Bristol: Mike, do you think the Sex Cannon is the right guy to masturbate the ball down the feel for the Bears?

Wilbon: Now THAT is a good question.

quiet strength said...

A nice way to end a shit work day. Gracias.

Gourmet Spud said...

So I guess Wilbon just became the new Bill Cosby?

Phony Gwynn said...

Sure, I kill Darojixes 1 through 96 with some Tic-Tacs and a spork, and you go and glorify Darojix 97 by publishing his question.

Real fucking nice, cockslurp.

ChadsMyGuy said...

Possibly the funniest thing I have read all week.

Unsilent Majority said...

remember the episode of Seinfeld where Debra Messing's ex keeps asking and answering his own rhetorical questions?

Because Wilbon doesn't. He doesn't watch that junk.

Five Pound Bag said...

I don't excruciate you porking fun at my fellow gerbilist Mike Wilco. You is the real knuckle sandwich!

angeredly,
Emmitt

The Sports Hernia said...

"Michael, I just heard Charles Barkley on the radio saying the Redskins are racist for memorializing Sean Taylor in a parking spot."

Awesome.

Sammy Winder said...

Wilbon: Please don't bother me with all of these questions.
I am attempting to serenely type on a keyboard while wearing a sportcoat and black shirt w/no tie, while I stare at you.
All this, from a stage in my life when I was fatter and wore glasses.

Skin Patrol said...

Life imitates art, Wilbon clearly reads this space:

http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2007/11/28/wilbon-kornheiser-talk-about-sean-taylor/

Big Daddy Drew said...

Actually, I thought that was pretty eloquent.

TopDawg said...

Yo myk...ova dis spot. y u gotzta go awn this shytee spot in not myne? u no ma blog iz brand nu n shyt

-marshawn...um..lynch?

swing4 said...

Nice work, Drew. You deserve a sandwich.

lost said...

drew you are a dickhead. that's fuckin funny.

and thanks for not including any Kim K pics. they make my cold sores flare up.

quiet strength said...

I don't know why I bother to read that Massengill's (credit to j4b) crap anymore except to make myself angry, but here's from Simmons' chat yesterday:
"Moss isn't allowed to raise his hands in the end zone, but opposing d-backs are allowed to maul him on every play. In the Miami game, he caught 2 TD's with guys pulling his arms down - no flag. It's like he's being officiated the same way NBA refs officiated Shaq back in the day, where there's a degree of difficulty brought into it for him."

Moss can't get any separation from corners because he still runs his routes half-assed, so he has to push off before going up for any catch. He's still a monster, but that's fucking offensive interference.

Wormfather said...

BDD you bring the pain my man, you bring the pain.

'OMIGOD'

Otto Man said...

and thanks for not including any Kim K pics. they make my cold sores flare up.

Say what you will, but she was awesome in Pan's Labyrinth. Did you see those sexy hooves of hers? Rrrrrroooww!

JAMMQ said...

I blame the D.C. area for the rise of Kornheiser and Wilbon.

If you fucks didn't worship every them before, they wouldn't have a national platform by which to torture the entire country now.

Fuckin' D.C.

NDub said...

I just finished reading this for the third time. It gets funnier every time. This is great stuff.

rar288 said...

Damnit BDD, I'm in the freakin library at my school and you had to put the part about the spaceship in. I just laughed unconrtrollably and everyones starting at me. Now I spilled my Mountain Dew. Thanks for being funny, dick.

Mac G said...

Awesome, Purely Awesome.

lost said...

oh, and since you mentioned Marion Jones...I would still smash that.

i am not deterred by a crazy ex- or two
or her Smiegel teeth

but I would have to check and see if the 'roids gave her a clitorpenis. if it's bigger around than my pinky finger...i'm out.